AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

Agree. In Norway / Sweden, you can only buy wine and spirits in special shops. Making it just that little bit harder to buy is a useful nudge away from buying. But I don't know if ststitistics show an overall reduction

At least you have to make a special effort, go through a separate door, and wait along with the other people who have gone there specifically to buy alcohol.

Way over the recommended weekly units by quite a bit. I'd be concerned as your GP. And yes it sounds like youve normalised it. which is a marker of harmful alcohol use.

I think it was all part of painting a picture of how middle class they are because that can affect how others view excessive alcohol consumption.

I live in France and most French people I know drink a good deal less than most Brits. Except the alcoholics. Regular drinking for men in their 50s is typically one glass of wine with their main meal. Sometimes one with lunch and dinner, so two a day. More at weddings and so on but not every week.

Women, once past university and early adulthood drink even less - often only at celebratory events and even then generally a couple of glasses at most.

So while I’m not judging @ByJollyQuail ’s drinking habits, it’s not true to say “Oh the French drink more than that” because they don’t.
I’ve had to become pretty abstemious compared to my family in the U.K. so as not to seem too much of a lush here!!

(And it’s absolutely fine once you get into the habit of pacing yourself. I don’t miss (over) drinking)
ETA this was meant to be a reply to a comment up thread but I’ve lost sight of it now)

Let me do the units maths for you.
The recommended alcohol intake for an adult is 14 units in a week.
14 units is approximately 6 medium sized glasses of average strength wine
If you are having more than 6 glasses of wine in a week, every week your sister is correct. You have a problem with alcohol. Not necessarily one that interferes with your work, but one which lead you into an increased health issues in later life.
If you drink less than that amount most weeks, you don't need to be concerned.
However given your posts became less coherent after you started drinking, it suggests that your sister has a point as most people don't get squiffy on a single glass of wine so therefore you must be 2 or more glasses into your session.
So your options going forward are:

1. don't drink
2. drink less or
3. make zero changes to your lifestyle and accept you may have alcohol related health issues in the future The choice is yours. Good luck 🤞🏻

My post above was in response to this. IME it’s not true that “Any French person would say (that amount of alcohol every day) is fine”

OP does seem like an alcoholic in denial.

There are people in my family like this and if asked they would say they are just “fun.” But in my mind they drink far too much. And it’s really unhealthy. I think most people underestimate a glass, home measurements are usually very generous and can easily be a third of a bottle.. She is entitled to voice concern, but it’s your life. As someone who doesn’t drink now, I do find the “you can’t have fun without drinking” route really irritating and totally ridiculous.

No, I said your reply showed all the signs of toxic positivity. Which is not even close to calling you personally toxic.

You said ”I drink wine most nights” with no clarification. I don’t think it unreasonable to take that to mean every night. How often do you take a night off? Honestly?

If you think me suggesting the tone of your (incredibly minimising) response means you might need to look at your own drinking and that the suggestion that you do so (bearing in mind it is based solely on what you have said) amounts to a ‘personal attack’, you might want to consider why a suggestion you are drinking too much firstly is seen as an attack and secondly why it causes you to respond with a personal attack on the person saying it.

As I said previously, it’s a classic reaction of a problem drinker and I am becoming more and more convinced you are one of those people who minimise other people’s drinking so you don’t have to face up to your own alcohol issues.

Oops OP, just read through your own posts…, maybe do the same and you can see the problem right there in front of you 😬

but you are free to live your life how you want to, and I know quite a few people who live like you do and have very happy lives and live in good health too, so it def could all be fine, but from the outside it looks like there are 3 in the marriage, your husband, yourself and alcohol

Don’t mean that in a judgey way! Live how you want to live but I can see you sister may be a bit concerned

A few people on the thread have paired sociable with drinking, I don't get why.
I am quite sociable and don't drink any more through choice, it hasn't affected how sociable I am, and I sleep better and enjoy my life, I also save money
If you are both into fitness surely you realise you drink a lot and that isn't healthy

@Prettylittlecat, not disputing that the French drink less than the Brits (I can well believe that’s the case), but if the average is one glass a day as you say, I think that’s still over the weekly recommended units (or just on the cusp if they’re small glasses). But of course the French govt might give different advice on units!

It’s your age group, you do all drink a lot.

Get away with your ridiculous generalisations.

OP can I recommend one book, Sober Dave.

It's got a piece on young adult DC and how their parents drinking effects them. It's sobering if you excuse the pun. They talk of the years of not being the main focus and having to be the adult. As soon as they can they leave.

Alcoholics are not all the same. I was a CEO of a major company. We don't all lay on park benches!

You'd be dead a lot longer if you drink too much though.

It doesn't sound like they get drunk most nights. It sounds like they drink a couple of drinks each. To daily drinkers that wouldn't make somebody appear 'drunk'.

OP hasn't mentioned any issues with their relationship with their adult children. But maybe there are. Who knows?

I hope you are feeling ok OP.
I agree with other posters that looking into your unhappiness that leads you to drink is the way forward.

To other posters - There are several posts along the lines of:
"That's not alcoholic/You're not an alcoholic!"

I would say these can be dangerous. People in denial about a dependency or addiction problem are looking for reassurance and are in denial.
Most people with problematic drinking significantly underestimate and underreport what they consume.

Without knowing a poster, you don't know if they actually have a problem or not. You could well be stoking someone's denial.

I somehow lost the quote I was originally replying to in that post above - it was this: “Any French person would say it’s fine” (it being the amount the OP described).
That’s simply not true in my experience of life in France. Most women in their 50s or over in France would consider that amount to be WAY beyond reasonable. Many will have drunk a lot more as young people but have long ago toned it down - and those who haven’t done so are usually considered to have an alcohol problem.

I wasn’t making a comment on the advice given by the different governments, just on the assumption that “any French person” would think the Brits were just being prudish about drink. FWIW, if we’re stereotyping, many French people think the Brits are a bunch of alcoholics. Hence the jokes about British cars heading back from Calais loaded down with cheap wine.

She is overreacting.

You can do every one of these without alcohol though. If you don't understand that this is possible, then it's a problem.

Ah op, at first I was agreeing with you, but as the thread went on I felt incredibly sad for you.

You state that you are lonely and struggling with your children living out and your husband being away for his hobbies. Maybe it's time to find some things you love doing outside of drinking?

I am sorry you are feeling so down.

I used to think like you and over lockdown we drank far too much. The problem is that liver and digestion problems are silent until they aren't. I have been tee total since 2023 and I really don't miss it. It is all ok in moderation, but it might be worth cutting back.

Daily drinking is not really advised and probably too much. A couple of alcohol free days a week would be better and I'd count (measure glass size) how many units a week you are having. I don't think it makes you an alcoholic based on what you've said but probably drinking a quantity over the recommended amount

I'll just answer your question rather than being drawn in to all the other stuff. YABU to think your sister is over reacting about your drinking. It very much sounds like you have an alcohol dependency.