AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

And now we’ve moved to the personal attack stage. Classic response when a problem drinker’s alcohol misuse is challenged.

Hi OP, I hope you don’t have too bad a hangover today. It sounds as if you are regularly way over the recommended daily /weekly units recommended. The fact that you refuse to count them implies you are likely very apprehensive as to what that might reveal.

I would suggest you start by reducing your drinking, maybe cutting back to weekends only.

A mess ....

It’s your age group, you do all drink a lot. I’m 35 and despite having a great party life age 16-26 I’d never drink daily again.
also get over yourself with your humble brags about your kids in the post 😂😂😂
your sister has a point.

You deffo have a problem, it might not be causing you issues in your social life but just because it’s not causing you any social issues that doesn’t mean you’re not doing yourself a disservice and risking your health once you’re getting to your 70s and 80s

2 bottles of wine each is a lot 😂😂

Life expectancy was 48 in 1900. Excessive alcohol consumption at a 'functioning' level usually kicks in late 50 to early 60s. There are plenty of ill health challenges we face now that we're not a problem when you died in your 40s.

My dad is drinking 5/6 cans per night. He doesn’t drink in the mornings, he’s functioning at work. He keeps convincing himself he doesn’t have a problem. But when he finally admitted he did and went cold turkey he had physical withdrawal symptoms after 3-4 days cold turkey. If you drink pretty much every day then you have a problem

I think that says more about you than it says about me tbh

That made it sound like he stopped drinking. He manages about a week before starting again

Or it could be that she is drunk and had an argument with her husband, and being drunk is talking in exaggerated way. Maybe they don’t have as serious problems as posters here are insisting.

They are married for 30 years, everything is not going to be perfect every minute.

I agree about alcohol consumption though.

That's true, but as a statistic it was massively affected by so many children dying in infancy. Although excessive drinking is not good for you, obviously.

I don't know how anyone past their early 30s can handle the hangover.

@ByJollyQuail I was reading the thread as it happened last night but didn’t contribute as I was tired. I hope your head isn’t too bad today as it seemed you put a lot away.

It looks to me that everyone in your household is ‘living’, your children are at uni or going travelling then uni, your husband likes to cycle through different countries, and that you’re feeling left behind now that your parenting job is or has come to and end.

Socialising with friends either out of the house or hosting them isn’t fulfilling for you. It sounds like you’re just doing it, along with drinking, to fill the time. When your H drinks with you or with his own friends at least you get good sex at the end of the night!

You can’t change what others do or what others want to do, neither should you if you could.

You need to step back from socialising and drinking at home for a while and really have a good think about what it is that YOU want to do. Maybe you would like to go travelling ( with a friend or your H ), maybe start your own little business, or maybe it’s something else but whatever it is, you need to find your new Zen as drinking daily for the next 30 years and feeling lonely whilst you do this, isn’t living.

Wishing you all the best for discovering a better way.

Life expectancy was certainly NOT 48 in 1900!!!

You're confusing life expectancy with average age mortality, which is skewed by the huge number of infant deaths.

If a person got through infancy they could live to 70's and beyond since forever.
Victorian workhouses were chock full of old people - really old by our standards that is, not aged at 50!

Drinking most days isn't good for you. (No judgement, I do it too, but want to cut down)

Your inability / refusal to disclose how many units you drink per week is quite telling

Try Dry app is helpful for recording units

And myfitnesspal helpful for recording calories

This thread is wild, you are obviously a bit of a lush, as is your husband, you are not representing your drinking accurately, the drinking you are representing wouldn’t be a particular problem, the drinking you are obviously doing based on your typing is an actual problem. I would probably listen to your sister to be honest.

You referring to my original reply to OP as 'toxic' is surely a personal attack And I never said I drink every night! And if you read through my reply to OP you will see that I said I'm going to take my own advice and cut back. So for you to then say "maybe you need to look at your own drinking" is also a personal attack. Enough!

Not hurting anyone? I'd find it interesting to hear what their children say about mum and dad being drunk most nights.

In answer to the question, you are being unreasonable. Your sister isn't overreacting to your alcohol consumption , she is just concerned you appear to be consuming in excess of a healthy amount and are in denial. She's only seen a snap shot but as a regular habitual drinker you are definitely consuming more than the recommended levels. You may not welcome her concern, but it's not unreasonable for her to be concerned as she is your sister.

What is concerning is that you were clearly drinking alone and became progressively drunker and upset and maybe shared some stuff you now regret as yesterday evening progressed. That and the fact that you haven't been back today.
Either you're hungover, embarrassed at your increasingly garbled posts or ...
This is all fictional.
??

Wow, I only skimmed through OP's posts which made for a sad decline into drunk posting, lots of defensiveness and calling "judgement" when anyone questions her.

If you are not willing to tot up the units you have in a week, or the incidences of binge drinking (which is far fewer drinks than many think) then no one can really say whether you have a problem.

Based on this single thread, the person at the end of the thread is very different to the one in the OP booze can do that to a person.

I think if what you’d described had been over a weekend with a sober week or as a one off whilst hosting a guest then fine but if it’s typical every day drinking then it’s too much.

Drinking at home is where the problems lie. It's too easy for people to get drunk when they can buy booze at the supermarket along with their regular groceries. This should be banned and they should have to go to a dedicated off-licence to buy alcohol.

YANBU but neither is your sister, she just cares about you.
Could you try cutting down a little, just around the home and save it for social occasions?

Where I am you cant buy alcohol in a supermarket, but every medium or large supermarket has a bottleshop next to it.