AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

I think that you already know the answer to your question.
14 units of alcohol per week spread over several days is the recommended maximum amount per week.
Sounds like you both significantly exceed this level.
The risk to you as a result of excess alcohol consumption, as we all know is, liver disease, strokes, irregular heat rhythms, cardiomyopathy and other serious illnesses.
It's entirely your call, if you're happy to take the risk, keep drinking daily!

At the most superficial level, your DSis over reacted. If what you described your drinking was over that sociable weekend was accurate then that’s hardly a Lost Weekend or unusual for hosting friends or family.

You are presumably not daft or isolated from health advice , so you can take stock of your intake over a week, a month, be clear about the potential impact and make your own decisions.

When Dc were young it was routine for us to share a bottle of wine every night, because we rarely went out. I still love a drink, really enjoy good wine, enjoy wine with nice food or beer with a curry, a pint in the pub

But I do not enjoy the feeling of being drunk (the room spinning stage) so never drunk that much.

And I have 3 or 4 nights a week alcohol free.

You can make your own decisions and choices and it really isn’t anyone else’s business.

It sounds as if your DH has made his transition into not working and the emptying nest by throwing himself into cycling. But you haven’t found your equivalent. Possibly because working ties you down from such trips?

What do you enjoy? Swimming? Walking? Community politics? Learn an instrument?

Covid was disastrous for me as my job / work sector was decimated and I haven’t worked since. But habits I developed then have endured. Instead of meeting friends in the pub we met for walks, long or short. We still do that, but now we can we go further afield, take a train for a day trip walk somewhere lovely. Or to a museum or curious site of some description.

Making my own bread and more ‘from scratch’ cooking, and starting to grow some tomatoes and chard in lockdown kickstarted a more pro-active healthy lifestyle, and that, with the walking and cutting alcohol to one drink three nights a week enabled me to lose weight which has stood me in good stead for being older.

Your impetus here is emptying nest, rather than Covid. An event that re-signposts aspects of your life.

Find your groove, OP, for you. You will work it out.

It will catch up with you and start causing or increasing health issues at that level of drinking. I was doing exactly the same level of drinking until I realised what effectsit has long term.. Late 50s is when it starts to have a significant health effect. But if you see it as a price worth paying, then that's your decision.

I used to drink a lot more. But somehow stopped it mostly because I feel so bad the next day. Genuine question - don’t you get a hangover? Or wake up at silly o clock after a couple of glasses of wine? I would be permanently shattered tbh

I grew up with heavy drinkers (siblings not parents), so what you're describing seems pretty mild. You are probably very tolerant of alcohol too. If you can afford it, you enjoy it and your life isn't disrupted by it, I don't see the problem. If your partner was unhappy about your drinking, that would be an issue. I will say people don't drink like they used to, but it's your life and your sister can be worried, but ultimately your decision.

Do you think you are mainly drinking to keep in favour with your husbands lifestyle?

It sounds like you would love him to find you attractive when he is sober.
There are many men that would.
Sex is actually much better when sober as the body is more responsive.

Don't drink to keep up with your husband. You can stop/cut right down even if he won't.

Wow.

This thread!!

OP ... you spend nearly every single post justifying your drinking. You posted asking for opinions on whether you drink too much, you were told that you do, you tried to justify it in every post and continued to drink while posting.
You got nasty and defensive towards other posters, this indicates that you are not the fun and happy drunk you portrayed in your initial post.

I have spent years working in drug and alcohol services ... you are displaying all the characteristics of a problem, dependant drinker
This can only change when you stop justifying every drink.

Well if this is real and she was off her tits and alone last night, then clearly the answer to that would be no, she’s not doing it for him.

The pair of ye sound like raging alcoholics.
Husband sounds like a selfish prick and you sound miserable as fuck.
Its clear you are self medicating with alcohol and cannot face the gaping chasm of your life now the kids are grown. And clealry got as far away as possible.
Go to AA.
Leave your dh.
And thank your sister.

No one has suggested that 14 units a day is a safe level of alcohol!

14 units spread over a few days is the maximum recommended amount of alcohol per week.

. . . and there are many health experts that are now saying that there is no safe amount.

Alcohol is toxic and always causes some kind of harm.

I've drank plenty all my life and now in early 50's I drink just a couple of times a month. When I have 3 or 4 glasses of wine I notice that my energy and motivation is buggered for at least 2 days afterwards.
I only notice this now as I often go weeks without and feel tip top, full of energy and motivation, during those weeks.

I was about to support the OP as drinking and going to the pub is very much the 'culture' here in the UK and lots of people probably drink too much, but as the thread went on... well it certainly took a turn.

OP - I'd definitely count the units you're drinking, cut it down and have three days with no alcohol. You sound very unhappy, especially when drinking alone 😔

You didn't need to pad your your story with your sons details. You're retired and the units you drink is enough. It seems excessive but I don't drink.

I know. That is exactly why I didn't say that 14 units a week is safe. I was correcting the poster I quoted who said that 14 units a day has been suggested to be safe.

Oops I only r

It wouldnt harm to have a few alcohol free nights every week. Your liver will thank you for it. I don’t think you are an alcoholic, but I think you are stuck in a mindset that you have to have alcohol to enjoy yourself. Maybe try drinking some low alcohol beers or ciders instead of wine.

As someone who has been retired for a long time, I can tell you that there are loads of ways to enjoy the freedom and release that retirement brings that do not involve drinking yourselves to death.

I'm not so sure. She seems to be saying a lot about how her husband would never cut down, has always drank this way, likes this lifestyle, goes out drinking very regularly, prefers sex when drunk, doesn't even look at her when sober, etc.

It sounds like last night she was drinking out of loneliness - again this is to do with her husband being away.

So it all seems to link back to her husband.

OP - I think you should ditch your husbands destructive lifestyle and focus on yourself. You will never have to feel the horrendous beer fear again if you don't want to. (I'm sure your are feeling the massive hangxiety today - but don't despair - just move onwards and upwards, this time next week you could be feeling a million dollars)

Speaking as someone who has lived with an alcoholic and also has a pair of functioning alcoholics in the family, what you describe - if that’s accurate - doesn’t sound like a pair of alcoholics. It sounds like two people who like a social drink and certainly drink a bit more than the recommended amount, but that isn’t remotely the same as being an alcoholic and is also none of your sister’s business. You’re an adult and you can assess the risk for yourself.

Functioning alcoholics are only functioning until they're not.

Speakinf as someone who also has experience of alcoholism in the family, and one who drank herself into an early grave, they sound exactly like alcoholics.

@ByJollyQuail as I said in an earlier post your alcohol consumption is a symptom of a bigger problem. You are drinking in order to.mask the loneliness which has now been exposed with your children moving away from home. Your husband is selfish and possibly abusive. Sees sex as a chore and only engages with you on some level during the act when drink is involved. Takes off on cycle holidays as and when he pleases. You can do and be so much better with some support. Your sister has reached out, talk to her, be honest. Work on a plan for you.

It's bad isn't it that the British government still doles out this 14 units for women made up rubbish when so many other countries (Germany, Holland, Spain, Iceland, America to name just a handful) recommend that there is no safe limit, or less than half of what the Brit gov recommends.

Whoever said it's all about tax revenue was bang on.

So what was your answer to the question "How much alcohol do you drink in a week?" Did you answer honestly? I'm betting not or you would have had a gentle reminder about the potential dangers of drinking too much. Routine check ups aren't long enough to look for problems that they have no reason to suspect you might have. That's why it's important to answer questions truthfully.

Yikes. And that's OK with you?

I'm with your sister.