AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

That sounds like a lot of alcohol in 2 nights @ByJollyQuail , but as a one-off it would be OK. If you do this 4-5 nights a week, and some weeks, virtually every day, then you must know YABU.. If you drink like this often, it is going to be very bad for your health. You can get away with this when you're under 30, but by your 50s, not so much. You say you can stay off it long enough to drive somewhere, but judging by the amount you drink, it sounds like you are rarely fully sober.

I am mid 50s, and gave up alcohol 2 years ago. I am much healthier for it though, I never get headaches, and I'm better off financially too! DH gave it up several years before me, so staying off it has been quite easy. I don't miss it. I was left with a headache every time I got even slightly tipsy, and I would get a thick head before I started to get the 'nice' feeling of being a bit drunk.

I have to say though, truthfully @ByJollyQuail you are in denial, and genuinely, you sound like borderline alcoholic. My views may be skewed as I don't drink, but you drink a LOT. Much more than many people I know, even people in their 20s and 30s.

How are you both retired by early 50s by the way?! If that's all you are, and you plan to keep boozing the way you are, 'because you're retired and loving life!' then I feel sorry for your liver!

That says to me you are drinking too much as you can't imagine doing anything that doesn't involve drinking.

Sorry that was a mistake !! Of course 14 units is not per day. As I said in a previous post, my GP told me that there is no safe level.

It doesn't have to be, which is, I would guess, your sister's point. Maybe talk to her about how you're feeling lonely and live with, as you said, a "crazy, insane husband."

You have choices.

Something very contrived about all this…

Your lives sound great. Tell her to do one x

You can choose non alcoholic versions of drinks if you want. He’s not the Boss of you.

Actually you're absolutely right @IHateShein

I was blathering on about 14 units a week earlier in this thread but actually, for me, I've given up alcohol simply because I've read that in actuality it's poison and there is no safe limit

I'll sometimes have a g and t or a baby bottle of cava. But no more drinking for the fun of it for me

The true measure really is to think ‘could you easily stop drinking’ lots of alcoholics are able to function and set their own rules. My grandad has been a functioning alcoholic all his life and has never drank before 4pm, worked his whole life. But he wouldn’t be able to stop drinking and if he did it would be constantly on his mind.

Sometimes, you could have disordered alcohol use.

Is this a cry for help OP? Are you worried about your alcohol intake? Are you drinking to numb the pain of an unhappy marriage?

You keep going on about “judgement” when people here are trying to give you advice and suggestions to make things better. Starting by working out how much you are actually drinking in units is sensible advice.

Are you always so defensive or just when you’re tipsy?

Have a think about your life (NOT your husbands) and where and who you want to be.

I get the sense you’ve poured so much time and love into your family, you’ve forgotten who YOU are and what brings you joy.

Have you read all the OP’s posts? She’s miserable, unhappy with her husband and drinking herself to incoherent aggression while sitting at home on her own.

There is no way her life ‘sounds great’.

Raise your bar. The OPs life sounds AWFUL.

OP, count your units, it's not difficult. You both need to cut down on your drinking.

It is clear from your posts that you are lonely. You need to talk to your DH and find out why he wants to be away so much.

You also need to find something for yourself, although your original posts seem to say you have lots of friends and a busy social life, by the end of your posts you are sad and lonely.

OP, I think it can be a habit that people drift into as they age, especially when they are comfortably off and socialising is their hobby.

Would you look at some therapy for yourself as you sound a bit low.

I have several friends going through empty nesting and it is emotional.
My son moved away last year and I had mixed feelings.

My concern with your drinking is the lack of break for your liver.
I love alcohol but am conscious that my liver needs a few days break, preferably 3-4 a week, to stay relatively healthy.

Good wine is very seductive!

You need to invest in yourself, separately from your husband, to make the best of this time.

He certainly seems to be a heavy drinker.

Talk to someone about everything that is going on.
You deserve to find some honest support for yourself.

Yeah I noticed that in her subsequent posts. I didn't see anything about it in her first post.

I largely gave up drinking when menopausal as I got horrendous headaches. I’m still very sociable, still meet friends and family and still can be ridiculous and have a good laugh. If you want to drink and accept the health risks then do but the fact that you are asking the question makes me think you want to cut down really.

@Thindog I gave it up when I was menopausal too. As I said, I got horrific headaches after boozing, and always felt shit before I was even remotely tipsy.

I can't even imagine still boozing heavily into old age. Not a good look, and terrible for your health.

I'm not going to contact on the drinking, OP, but you sound very sad and lonely.

You work 2 day a week, you go to an art class, you cycle with your husband and you like to socialise (which always involves alcohol). You have a lot of time on your own when your sons are busy with their own lives and your husband is playing golf or on his mammoth long cycling holidays. I'm the same age as you, so I get how hard this transition stage is, but I'd suggest finding more things just for you - that don't focus round partying or drinking alcohol. You like art - can you join a different type of craft group as well? Or find a cycling group so you're exercising with people other than your husband? It sounds like you have lots of friends - would one of them like to go to an art gallery/museum/NT place/on a walk with you and then have lunch or afternoon tea (to avoid the need for alcohol)?

Also OP with kindness. You were quite clearly extremely drunk last night, and upset on your own. That isn’t healthy drinking. That is a problem. Even if it isn’t a physical reliance.

I think you need to speak to your husband about your sexual needs. And be honest about your alcohol use. You sound like you love your husband but you also sound incredibly lonely to me and maybe you are using alcohol as a crutch to avoid dealing with it.

OP works 2 days a week. She said she was retired in her first post. I'm confused!

I hope when you’ve woken up sober and read through your comments, you can see where there is an issue.

People giving their opinions is not judging. You asked if your sisters comments were overreacting. Clearly she wasn’t.

You can go through life without drinking excessively. I enjoy socialising with my friends, I don’t drink alcohol though.

It seems like you have some major issues in your life that you are masking with alcohol. Maybe time to look into therapy.

That was a whole lot of irrelevant back-story and bragging to say "my sister says we drink too much."

Yes, she's probably right, but it's your life. Do what you want.

Everything you write screams middle class functioning alcoholics. It doesn’t matter you drink the good Merlot instead of the cheap shit cider.

I loved booze for years, but at 45 im done. The last time i drank, which was 6 weeks ago, I felt awful for days after 2 drinks. I knew then I was done, and I only drank once before that since Christmas. It wrecks your body, brain and takes years off your life. Regardless if it’s a £50 bottle or a £4 bottle.

I don’t think you’re getting to the point where you get hangxiety as it sounds you just start drinking again.

I love alcohol free cocktails these days. My husband is almost a year sober and he’s done 2 sober gigs this week and loved it.

DH is retired. OP works 2 days a week. That's what her first post says. Other people have (incorrectly) said she is retired which might be what is confusing you.