AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

OMG please read all the OPs posts.

OP, you sound very, very unhappy with your life and I hope you manage to find a way to get through things without drinking.

There's more to life than just drinking 🙄

The way this thread went over the course of a day is very disturbing, OP. Read back your posts when you started your daily drinking. And it is daily based on your own OP and subsequent posts. And it's not 'a drink' with whomever; it's half a bottle here, half a bottle there, a few drinks .... ever single evening. Quite concerning.

You don't sound happy. I hope you have someone to talk to IRL

I think you should consider wether you are habitually drinking more than the recommended amount of alcohol and how you feel about the risks v benefits of doing that.
My late DH and i were you at one point. Then out of a clear blue sky aged 51 yrs he got an alcohol related cancer and died within 15 months.
When he was dying he said the only thing that could make such an awful situation any better was if i promised him i would take better care of myself and minimise the risks relating to cancer.
I thought about my alcohol consumption carefully and looked objectively at the actual units i was drinking and decided to moderate myself. I realised i only really enjoyed it socially on high days and holidays ,so now i only drink on celebrations/holidays and have period of abstention in between.
I dont judge those who drink more regularly ,its their choice as long as they have considered the risks.
Dont take what your sister said as an insult/judgement ,consider it caring.
Have a look at the actual amounts you drink habitually and decide if the risks are too great for you v the benefits and decide if you want to reduce the frequency .
Good luck.

Bonding over alcohol each evening isn't healthy.

Your sister is right to be concerned.

Agree. The OP jumped the shark at several points.

here you’ve made this about your sister not needing to drink as a way of deflecting and, as PP have said, protesting too much. I think your sister has hit a nerve you perhaps have been subconsciously thinking about in terms of how much you drink. If you look at the gov guidelines for alcohol consumption, you are certainly well over the limit. Are you able to have one or two nights without alcohol at home? I took your sister’s comment to be concern for your health rather than a moral judgement.

I Suspect the OP is trolling - and not very well either -the poor spelling becoming all a bit obvious - can I just say the amount of Hannah Spencer type puritanical joyless prigs in here is incredible -yes the OP needs to cut down significantly quite clearly ( if genuine) I myself stick to a couple of wines Friday and Saturday only and occasionally maybe extra if I have an event to go to - i am not an alcoholic i have plenty of stuff going on generally and plenty of us don’t need preaching too like some kind of naughty schoolchildren by vegan totalists !

If your whole social life revolves around friends and situations that involve alcohol tbe its likely you do drink a lot of alcohol. Contrary to popular believes many people with alcohol issues dont drink in the morning or pass out drunk. They tend to drink daily though and have lifestyles that involve around alcohol. Being honest it sounds like you both are heavy drinkers and drinking most days is not normal. I enjoy socialising and spend lots of time with friends very little of it involves alcohol. I have family members whose friendships and socialising revolves totally around alcohol and it does concern me.

I too can't tell if the post is real. It certainly took a darker turn last night.

Here goes, anyway, just in case...

1. Forget labels like heavy drinker/alcoholic/ social drinker. You and DH both drink way more than you can handle. He frequently comes home very drunk while you write incoherent messages to strangers.
2. You have unaddressed problems in your marriage which make you unhappy (e.g. intimacy). Find a way to deal with these, or what lies behind them, and maybe you'll both be happier.
3. You sound bored and unfulfilled in your life. Not surprising given the ridiculously early age of your (partial) retirement. Get a voluntary job so you do something meaningful with your time.
4. Think about your vast amount of friends. Why did you spent Saturday night at home and lonely? Is there nobody you could have met up with? If not, are they true friends?

And 5... If this isn't a genuine post, why waste your time with all the late night responses? Can you really think of nothing better to do with your time?

OP - you only get one life. You’ve not completely dismantled yours - you’re still working and enjoying it. Don’t build your whole self-esteem around pleasing a man and fitting into his chosen lifestyle. You can think for yourself. You can say no more of this for me. If you sober up for more than a week you’ll see things for what they are. Your children know what is going on - they don’t live in a vacuum. They are removing themselves from the situation. Bit by bit. You’re at a crossroads. Make choices for you.

I am not retired but I volunteer. It's very satisfying. I also sing in a choir. Ditto.

You awake yet plonky?

@ByJollyQuail

I hope you have come back to this thread. Why don't you start another thread on the Relationships board and maybe have some discussion about your marriage, sex life, and the feelings you have around your kids spreading their wings.

Also suggest you pop onto the Alcohol Support threads. There is kindness and a not of lived experience and wisdom there.

Alcohol might have been your "friend" before, but it seems like it is not anymore.

I wish you all the best. I hope you can tackle these issues and return to enjoying your life.

I agree with this. Take out the waffle and it's clear you drink a lot.
My sister drank every day and like you she justified it as socialising, a little drinkie with dinner, after a stressful day .... more justification than acknowledgment.

You don't have to be a morning drinker etc to be a functioning alcoholic.

We buried her a decade ago. She wasn't even 50.

I wish I'd done what your sister is doing and said something to her before it was too late. 😞😥

....... and she left behind her young adult kids, 18 and 21.

They obviously wish she was here to guide them and meet her grandchildren etc.

Ok, having read all the OP’s posts, this is clearly about so much more than safe alcohol unit consumption…

OP, there’s a lot coming out with each post and it’s showing me that you don’t seem terribly happy with your life and perhaps this is why you drink to perhaps blot it out. Your sister has clearly picked up same and is gently using your alcohol consumption as a way of getting you to take a long look at your life.

i would maybe have an honest chat with her as to why she raised this and what red flags she’s perhaps seeing in your life/marriage that’s manifesting as drinking nightly. Then I would suggest speaking to someone like a counsellor about your (clearly huge) fear of empty nesting with just your husband. From your other posts, albeit slightly drunk, it sounds like you’re unhappy.

Jesus. Do you realise that you can socialise, throw dinner parties, go out to pubs and restaurants and bars, and for holidays etc without drinking? Your life doesnt have to change, your consumption of alcohol should, in my opinion, change.

There's an awful lot of excuses, avoidance and denial in this thread OP which then basically descends into obvious drunkeness.

Your sister's right to be concerned OP, I think you should be concerned too.

I grew up in a house where my parents shared a bottle most evenings with dinner and on weekends more than that

if they went out with friends it was always about drinking alongside whatever else they did.

as a child I never knew any different really so not sure why the big Info about your children etc.

sometimes people who know they drink a lot tend to point out the good in their lives and how they’ve done to almost soften it somehow.

mg mum definitely did that alot
my dad was alway defensive if anyone said slow down etc so was shut down.

i think what we call old school as in my parents generation and sounds like yours it was the norm however I think with so much more widely available info regarding health and well being etc people are much more aware of what they put in their bodies etc.

add up the amount of units you drink in a week and then maybe see if it’s way over dropping a couple of bottles a week if you feel you should op

i know many functioning alcoholics that hold down jobs families etc but doesn’t change the fact they have their first gin at 4.30 pm every day when they turn the laptop off

Id say its alcholic dependency to drink 2-3 a night.
Try a week of none and see how that goes.
I dont doubt your sister it seems alot over a week espeically for a female...next you will need it to feel happy.
Nothong tobdo with tour income, children or lifestyle..its the drinking.

I don’t think the government units are a reasonable measure - most people would be considered problem drinkers by those standards!

And 5... If this isn't a genuine post, why waste your time with all the late night responses? Can you really think of nothing better to do with your time?

People love to talk about how much they drink on MN - topics like this high levels of engagement.

Plus, it had it all and all at once. Idyllic life that proved an illusion - shattered by sex issues, husband being “insane” and lack of purpose. All within an hour or two, so people didn’t get bored and move on.

Topics like this enable everyone to talk about how much they drink, how much the OP should drink, how poorly they manage to drink whilst being OP’s age, how terrible alcohol is AND to talk about their own middle-aged or post-retirement hobbies.

Good morning @ByJollyQuail

I hope you're ok. Get some breakfast down you and a couple of paracetamol.
You were pretty incoherent last night.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been on that journey for four years.
I had every excuse for my drinking. Happy, sad. Good news, bad news. People to entertain. All fine until it wasn't. My DC were at university and in London when I gave up the wine. They didn't want to be around me. Fwiw your DC are gen z and they don't really drink.

My units were 45+, a bottle a night five nights a week. My DH hardly drinks but he loves me so didn't leave me. I drank from 14 to mask an unhappy childhood and CSA.
What's your story?

You have plenty of money by the sound of it so get done therapy. I did ten months, £50 once a week. Best money I ever spent.
I'm a different person. Nicer and not talked about behind my back.
Nobody's drinking these days.
Think you're invincible?
I lost my 54 year old darling brother to kidney disease. He gave up the booze too late. Tall, handsome and he left three daughters.

If you're lonely booze will not fill that void.
I'm over on the alcohol support thread. Great bunch of 'lads'. We're all ladies as far as I know and female alcoholism is different.