AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

If you are drinking half a bottle of wine each a night, then you drinking approx 35 units a week. This is double the recommended allowance for men and 2.5 what women should be having. It does not make you alcoholics if you have none of the symptoms of loss of control, withdrawal (ie dependency), BUT it is unhealthy and can tip into alcoholism later.

For context I drink pretty similarly but have become aware that I AM using [misusing] alcohol on a psychological level - a relaxant, as a socially acceptable habit when cooking etc - and decided recently to start by having a minimum of two nights a week without alcohol and to reduce my intake on at least two o th other nights. For example I have one G&T/DH has two bottles of beer instead of opening the wine. And the body doesn’t care if it is ‘good’ wine… it responds to alcohol as the chemical it is, to wine by the ABV percentage. It doesn’t care that it’s from a better vineyard in France and cost £16 - that’s a little narrative we give ourselves to justify what we know… that we should be drinking a little less.

How would you feel if you were asked to stop drinking? If youd find it easy then no problem, but if you would hate the idea maybe there is something to think about .

Christ what have I just read.

OP clearly has an issue with drink & doesn’t want to face up to it.

Your sister is a very perceptive woman. It’s not really about the drinking, it’s the fact you are very sad and lonely, and drinking to escape that. I’m sorry.

Agree! I think people need to read all OPs posts together! (Including her, when shes sobered up!)

It also causes sclerosis of the liver. I remember my friends mother who used to have a drink after work (and sometimes 2, but mostly 1) developing it in her late 50s. Was quite a surprise to us as she was in no way an alcoholic.

@ByJollyQuail I felt sadness reading your posts on this thread. It's not just the alcohol is it? Alcohol seems to be the 'go to' temporary fix to mask other issues in your life. Your relationship with your husband needs addressing. On the surface you have a great social life, good circle of friends and are going out regularly.
You're lonely, something which becomes clearer the more you posted. Your life seems to revolve around your selfish husband, his need to regularly socialise be it in the pub, with friends or cycling. Your description of your sex life tells its own tale. He barely looks at you when he's sober and only really engages when he is drunk. Inconsiderate and selfish behaviour.
Reality is starting to surface now that your children are moving away. You can now see your future with someone who puts their own needs ahead of yours. You are not the priority you thought you were.
Get some counselling and start to deal with the real problems in your life. Try to stop using alcohol as a mask and a crutch. Good luck.

Please seek help, your sister sounds genuinely concerned, and rightly so. No judgement from me, but it sounds like life is unraveling for you, and you are self medicating with alcohol. It will catch up with you all too soon, in terms of health relationships, and self esteem.

@Notquitethetruth good summary

over 3 days you had
6.6 units the first night (250ml is 3.3)
10.1 the second night
6.6 units

so over 3 days you had 23.3 units
14 units is advised for a woman per week

in theory you're at least having double your recommended units per week, and sometimes more

I can understand why your sister is concerned, she loves you and doesn't want you to become ill.

no amount of exercising will out do, over drinking alcohol

try not drinking 4 nights a week and if you can do it then that might help tell you whether you have a drink problem and are reliant on alcohol. Doesn't have to be consecutive nights

... And there it is.

Tale as old as the internet. OP has a slight inkling something is wrong, wants to be proved wrong.

OP starts a thread showing all the ways in which she has "succeeded". Look at my children! Look how normal they are! Look how successful they are! Look how I'm still married to a man I love dearly! Look how enviable we are! Now look over here at this teeny tiny coping mechanism, that could be described as just being jolly good hosts, and full of bon homie!!

90% of the replies show concern that you are underestimating the impact of the teeny tiny coping mechanism.

They poke and prod and ask more questions until you lash out. Whilst under the influence.

Not everyone reacts to alcohol the same way.
Not everyone succumbs to day time drinking and turns yellow at 50.
Often, you're fine at 55, and then by the time you're 60 your liver is starting to complain a little bit. You let the GP advice wash over you, because, surely, it doesn't apply to you?

It's so tedious having to future proof your life by being moderate in your behaviour.

All your friends drink when you drink, but do they also drink most other days? If they've drunk 2 bottles at yours, does one of them, perhaps, not drink for 4 days? Is one of them dealing with an unhappy liver but doesn't know it? Does one of them actually drink a quarter of your consumption in an evening, you just don't notice?

You're only as ok as your most recent blood test, and even then, it only shows part of the picture.

Come back in 10 years and tell me everyone's still having a good time. I suspect someone will be slowly dying of an alcohol-related cancer. I suspect one of them will be drinking even before a 10am tee time.

If you're very unlucky, someone you know will have oesophageal varices, and will end up bleeding out on the pavement outside the pub, drowning in their own blood.

It's not being hit by a bus tomorrow that kills most people who drink too much. It's 15-30 years of chronic pain, incontinence, losing friends, having bits of you removed (have you ever seen the results of mouth and throat cancer?).

If you're lucky it will be an unreasonably early stroke or heart attack that will take you out instantly, leaving your family reeling and bereft.

But obviously, you should celebrate being free of all responsibility - other than to yourself, each other, your children, and your wider community that love you.

I really recommend honestly completing this questionnaire https://auditscreen.org/check-your-drinking
i knew i was drinking too much deep down, and this made it clear for me. Give it a try if you can.

It's a slippery slope maybe this morning you could sit down and calculate the real units and go from there. Your posts went rapidly off kilter last night so I don't agree that the alcohol isn't affecting your life. Lots of people continue to function when they have alcohol problems. It's hard when kids are grown up and are moving on with their own lives. It highlights your relationship with your husband and sometimes you notice how disconnected you have become.

The government recommends 14 units of alcohol a week, which is about 6 medium glasses of wine a week. Given that pub medium glasses are typically what at-home drinkers think is typical, rather than a pub small glass, from your own account your sister likely has extrapolated (not unreasonably) that you might be drinking nearly 30 units of alcohol a week.

Also it's a bit worrying that you believe that it is impossible to enjoy yourself without alcohol being used. That's a problematic belief right there.

She's your sister, of course she's worried. It does have health implications which while not obvious when we were at university 30 years ago are becoming clearer all the time - I'm thinking of a male friend who easily drinks a bottle a day and is showing obvious signs of poor circulation now.

Alcoholic doesn’t just mean drinking in the morning, on a park bench.
It is an inability to cope with normal life without a drink.
Reading OP’s updates last night was sad. It was like trying to have a conversation with my alcoholic friend who is belligerent when pissed.
My dad was very fit and active and liked a tipple every day. I had to care for him when he was dying of liver cancer.
It is fine to say we just want to enjoy life, but drinking at this level at 50 plus is not good for you, As a woman it’s really, really not good for you.
OP may have it all, but in reality she sounds lonely and rejected. And I am sorry but her husband sounds like an arse.
They are masking by drinking - it is escapism.
It is really common.

Yeah, it’s just bad for your health to drink that much.

How many alcohol free nights per week do you have?

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/
To add to pp, this is a very good site.
You can download the app and self monitor.

Sober up and talk to your sister.

It sounds like you love your husband but are co dependent and he wants to drink and you don't know what to do without him so don't dare make a change.

Your life sounds passive. Like you tell yourself it's all fine because you're married and your kids are doing well and you have a great social life but actually you wouldn't dare stop drinking because your life with your husband would fall apart if you didn't keep up with the drinking and the facade of being happy would fall.

I hope you find peace. Our choices define us one way or another. Kindly, my parent smoked all their life and stopped. Got lung cancer 6 months later and died before turning 60. Every moment after the diagnosis was torture because they knew that if they'd taken the decision that they eventually made years earlier they would have had decade more happiness. So my experience is that people who says "life's too short" suddenly don't feel that way after a terminal diagnosis and the reality. My point is simply that if you're happy, great. But don't wait 20 years to change it if you're not.

How about going for hikes with husband withiut any alcohol involved? (Ie no stopping off at pubs).

sounds to me you are a functioning alcoholic, and you know it. And your sister knows it.

if you like the sex when your husband is drunk, it doesn’t mean you hsbe to drink too. You won’t chsnged him, but you can change yourself. Swap your wine for soft drinks and see what happens.

and count how many units yiu hsbe in a typical week. Until you do that nothing will change.

There is also a strong risk for Dementia from regular alcohol intake. Drinking more than 14 units a week can affect brain cells. As someone who works with people who have Dementia it's one of the worst conditions someone can develop

Sound like you have a fab life and lots to enjoy. Sounds fantastic and I can only hope I’m that lucky at that stage. However, as others have said, i would just count up the units so you actually know how much you consume and then you can make a conscious choice about what you do. Some people do drink that amount and get away with it but it is much more than people I know. Also it is a health risk. That said, so long as you are making a conscious choice, then it’s your choice as you do sound like you enjoy life and function highly. Just don’t slip into it without knowing exactly what you are choosing. Sounds like your sister cares.

This⬆️

@ByJollyQuail I’m not judging you. I’m worried for your health.
Your sister must be very worried about your health or she would not have said anything.

It is possible to host, socialise and go out without drinking alcohol. I used to drink a lot, but haven’t for years, I don’t miss it, and I enjoy all these things more now I’m sober.

Now to sex—obviously you need your husband to come along for the ride for this one—but sex is 1000 times better sober.

I send you love, I wish you well, I hope you are able to read this thread sober and see that it might be best for you to make a change in your life.

If your husband sees you doing it, maybe he will think twice about his own drinking, but if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t. You don’t have to stay stuck just because he is.

Just because you’ve never missed work through drinking and don’t drink in the mornings does not mean there isn’t a problem! As someone who had a severe drinking problem from my late twenties to late forties, those behaviours only really crept in towards the rock bottom period, but my drinking had been out of control for many years before any of those ‘markers’ came up. Your eagerness to point out all the reasons you are not alcoholics are a red flag to me.

A few years ago, I had a close work colleague in a tight-knit team, who myself and 2 others worried about because we knew he drank a lot - he would go to the pub on the way home from work every day, then buy 8 more cans to drink at home; he would be in work the next morning but looking like shit. I tried to broach it gently with him a couple of times but he got very annoyed, asserting that he couldn’t be an alcoholic because he only drank beer and never spirits! Alcoholics will find multiple arguments for why they are not alcoholics! Sadly he died of a stroke before he reached 50 and alcohol was a big factor.

I suspect you are under-stating how much you drink here. You use phrases like ‘a few glasses’; is that 3 glasses or 7? The fact that your sister has noticed and commented on it makes me suspect you’re drinking more than you want to admit. Your sister is worried about you, that is why she has broached the topic and it’s a very difficult subject to bring up. I used to get really angry with anyone broaching my drinking because I knew they were right!

I suggest keeping a drink diary for a fortnight to honestly record every drink you consume, where and when. That will give you a good snapshot.

I know several elderly/retired people who I notice have slipped into drinking wine at home every evening since retiring, and for some of them I do feel it is a slippery slope. And I understand why it can sneak up on people: loneliness/boredom, and a lack of purpose (job/family) are big factors.

Yeah. That's a problem. You have a problematic relationship with alcohol at best.

It's up to you to manage your relationship with alcohol. But your sister has a point. You don't think your drinking is a problem now, but it's going to impact the quality of your life faster than you think.

Help exists to reduce your drinking.

For me, that’s too much drinking. You don’t have to drink at 8am to be dependent on alcohol. Drinking has become so normalised that daily alcohol-what, say 4-5 units a day doesn’t seem a lot. But it is. I’d say the test is to see if you can go without for a few days and see how you feel about it. Cut back to 3-4 days a week? If you’re sociable, you can still enjoy life without drinking. The effects build up. My lovely social friend who drank every day and always greeted us with a glass of wine has heart problems and can’t walk very far. He’s only 68. He used to lie to his doctor about his drink-but his view was he enjoyed it so didn’t want to cut back.