AIBU to think my sister is overreacting about our drinking?

[ByJollyQuail]

Just after some outside opinions because I'm genuinely not sure whether my sister has a point or whether she's being overly judgemental.

DH and I have been together since university and are now in our early 50s. We have two sons. Our eldest has just finished university and starts a graduate scheme in investment banking in London in a few weeks. Our youngest gets his A-level results in a couple of weeks and, hopefully, will be applying to study Economics and Maths and will be going to university sept 2026 after taking a gap year travelling. He plans to go after Christmas and is using money we saved for him to spend on whatever he wanted, he’s chosen to go travel all over South America solo we plan to meet him in a few countries.

DH retired early a couple of years ago. He's not old enough to draw his private pension yet, but we'd planned well financially and he reached the point where he simply didn't need to work anymore. I still work two days a week because I enjoy it.

We've always been sociable people and, if I'm honest, we've always enjoyed a drink. Even back at university we were the ones organising nights out, and that side of us has never really changed. We travel a lot, go away for weekends, love jazz bars with live music and dancing, go out for meals, have friends over regularly and I absolutely love hosting dinner parties. Our house has always been the one where people gather.

Life has changed recently though. Our boys are adults now and quite rightly have their own lives. They both have girlfriends, they're building their own futures and we've naturally had to take a bit of a back seat as parents. That's exactly how it should be, and we're proud of them, but it does mean our lives are much quieter than they were when they were younger.

In a few weeks our eldest will move into London for work, and next year our youngest will head off travelling before university, so it'll just be the two of us most of the time. We actually like each other's company and have always enjoyed going out together, so that's never worried either of us.

The issue is this. My sister stayed with us for a long weekend recently. One evening we had friends over for dinner. We opened wine while I was cooking and everyone had a couple of glasses over the course of the evening. The next night we went to the pub with friends and I had three glasses of wine over several hours while DH had a couple of pints and a whisky. The following evening we stayed in, cooked dinner together and shared a bottle of wine while watching a film.

A few days after she'd gone home she rang me and said she was actually worried about us. She said she'd noticed we seemed to drink every day and thought we'd normalised alcohol to an unhealthy extent. She even used the word "alcoholics", which completely took me aback. I’ve said to her we just like having fun, we aren’t drinking at 8am every morning, we aren’t arguing, we like good alcohol that’s all and we don’t really have any responsibilities.

The thing is, she's not entirely wrong that we drink most evenings. If I'm not commuting into London the next day I'll often have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. If I'm off the following day we might share a bottle. If we're out with friends we'll drink then too.

Neither of us has ever missed work because of drinking. We don't drink in the mornings, don't hide alcohol, don't become unpleasant after drinking and we can easily go without if one of us is driving, we're travelling somewhere or we're doing something where drinking isn't appropriate.

My sister barely drinks herself. She might have a glass of prosecco at Christmas or a wedding and that's about it, so perhaps her idea of normal is very different from ours.
DH thinks she's being ridiculous and says we've simply reached a stage in life where we have time, disposable income and enjoy good food, entertaining and a drink together. He says we're not neglecting anyone or anything because there really aren't many day-to-day responsibilities anymore.

I wasn't worried until she said it, but now I'm wondering if we've drifted into drinking so regularly that we've stopped noticing it.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?

Op I think if you read your posts on this thread when you have sobered up today you will see that your sister is right to be concerned.
The difference in your posts from start to finish is startling.
If this is what you act like when your drunk I can understand why you’re lonely and on your own

How on earth is it rude of OP's sister to comment on her drinking?

Don't be ridiculous, her sister obviously cares for her and doesn't want her to go down the slippery slope to alcoholism, although it appears the OP is well on her way to that. If your own family can't try and advise you on your drinking habits, who can?

Theres a big difference between alcoholic and introducing health risks.. You're not alcoholics, but alcohol is one of the biggest cancer risks. Sharing a bottle seemingly most nights is a lot

Someone's going to wake up with a thick head this morning...🥴🤢🍷💊

If OP is genuine...I hope she reads back all of her posts and counts the typos.

You can deny it all you like, OP. But your alcohol consumption is excessive and your sister is correct in expressing her concern for your health.

Depends, it was a long weekend and you were socialising first 2 nights so pretty normal.

We like a drink, but limit it to social situations or just one night a weekend. Have no tolerance anymore and have limited money.

So you start off portraying yourself as a carefree couple with a great social life and no responsibilities now your sons are grown up. And then you reveal a lot of issues - you miss the role of being a parent to dependent children, your husband frequently does his own thing and leaves you to go on long cycle rides for long periods so you are lonely, sex is bad unless he's drunk because he is awkward in bed and you don't seem to have any hobbies you can do without him.

In my early 20s I saw a good night out as necessarily involving alcohol, hell, every night was a night to drink. I deliberately drank more to ensure I enjoyed nights out. But I grew up and realised that wasn't healthy or true. I still enjoy a drink and like feeling tipsy but only drink a day or two in a normal week and can go weeks without drinking at all. I don't always have alcohol when socialising with friends and we still have a good time. (I'm older than you btw).

Your choice whether to drink but you don't sound happy - better to try working on the issues you have as it feels like you're masking them with alcohol. As your sister, I'd be very worried too.

Your health, in the not too distant future, is a very big deal.

I would ensure you are not drinking for at least 3 nights a week. Pick a tasty cordial or a lovely hot drink instead because your sister is right, you cannot drink every night and be healthy.

I think your sister is being ridiculous, and I say that as a non drinker. Most of our friends drink a similar amount to you and I would never consider that any of them drinks to excess. I think it’s one of those Mumsnet things to suggest that having a couple of glasses of wine every day because you enjoy it makes you a raging alcoholic 🤣🤣

That first sentence is probably more telling than the volume of alcohol you drink. People can and do enjoy life without alcohol.
You are drinking a lot more than the recommended amount. It will be damaging your health, even if you're not noticing it yet. It's completely your choice what you do with your body, as you say the children are grown, you're in a position to financially support yourselves. The denial that this isn't healthy is concerning and I can see why your sister has raised it. You sound like intelligent people to have got so far in life and parenting, you must know the risks with alcohol so why are you denying them?

I wouldnt want to stay overnight with you, drinking every night would put me off. Your in denial.

I’m assuming you didn’t read past the first post.

Light, moderate, heavy, social drinking etc is not the same as alcoholism.

There is a difference between all of these things.

People who don't drink, or drink in the same way, often offer incorrect judgement regarding the definition of alcoholism.

Enjoy your drinks.

Mate, you were drunkenly posting gibberish online after spending the evening getting pissed on your own. I think you’ve answered your own question.

Wow this escalated, I actually started off with you op. And felt your sister was too quick to judge, and predicted the usual mumsnet hysteria over alcohol,

then it became you were alone and getting very drunk. And that’s really not cool. So maybe your sister has a point and it’s not as moderate as your initial post made out,

I think enjoying life and socialising with a few drinks is fine when retired, you may as well enjoy yourself, but make sure you also have alcohol free nights. Moderation is key,

but your posts appeared to get drunker and drunker and sadder and sadder, and that’s something to consider, it would appear when you positioned your initial post you downplayed it, but you both drink a lot more, or at least you do, than you initially admitted,

if you were off your face and alone last night, then that’s really concerning, and you need to try to cut back, moderate, have some alcohol free nights.

This, it struck me that she was providing herself with a character reference to prove she was a good person and not a 'dirty alcoholic'. If you feel the need to drink daily and can't not do so, you have a drinking problem. It doesn't matter if it's two glasses or two bottles, if you can't not have those glasses of wine you're dependant on alcohol.

Thank goodness we, and all our friends, are able to thoroughly enjoy ourselves without drinking alcohol.
I actually know very few people who drink regularly.

@ByJollyQuail i hope you don’t feel too awful this morning.

I too like wine and whisky, but I stopped drinking in the week a few years ago. It’s just not a permissible option any more, because my drinking had crept up (lockdown started it!) and I knew it wasn’t good for me. Now DH and I are alcohol free Monday through Thursday and sometimes Sundays as well. Actually weekends can also be alcohol free, but they’re usually not unless I’m driving.
Anyway, wine has gone back to being a treat rather than a normal thing, which means I appreciate it more when I do have it.

There is a friendly and supportive thread over in alcohol support, about moderating. I would recommend you head over and see if the lovely women there can offer you anything.

Another person who somehow thinks their magically not alcoholic because you drink fancy wine 😂😂😂 you'd get called one if it was the same amount of cheap beer but somehow it's ok because it's expensive it makes no difference

Other people being slobs and eating pizza does not make your alcohol any less carcinogenic though.

What is the difference then? “Alcoholism” as a term is considered outdated. Alcohol use disorder is more appropriately used these days. Someone doesn’t need to be the stereotypical alcoholic pouring vodka on corn flakes to have disordered drinking

You’re my age but your life sounds like my parents who are genuinely retired and in their 70s

are you going to spend the next 30-40 years living like this?

“What are retired folks supposed to do rather than enjoy life. We like nice things, we like going out and being social, we have a good group of friends who like being social so what’s the big deal.”

honestly! You sound like boomers

There are websites which will confirm but alcoholism or AUD is broadly defined as the inability to drink responsibly, or drinking as a coping mechanism, etc. and where this interferes with relationships, job, other responsibilities, health and so on.