Am I the only one who basically avoids their Dh?

[Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff]

In a difficult relationship, but unable to get out, at least for now (very complicated)
Have Dc, light of my life.
I’m able to be strong and keep ok by sort of avoiding him.
I have my work, friends, Dc.
Weekdays are the easiest as it’s the least amount of time together.
Weekends can be difficult, but Dc mainly plays with friends so works in a way.
I have mainly just kept going like this. We are fine in front of my Dc, but sit in separate places when she is not there, for example.

Recently i’m feeling very lonely and thinking back to my younger years and previous boys/men who were after me and wanted to be with me and now i’m so alone.
I want that love and togetherness others have

I have friends who are also not happy.

I didn’t think when young that this was how my family life would be, feel sad for my Dc too.

Does anyone else live like this?

I left a miserable relationship I felt trapped in (threats of suicide if I tried to discuss leaving) but made it through the hard part and been with my DH for years - we’re so happy.

He’s the opposite of my miserable ex: funny, respects me, ambitious. As soon as the kids are in bed we go in the garden and have a wee glass of fizz and always ends up in a good old snog! still have amazing chemistry after 10+ years.

It can change and get better

Similar here. We get on okayish but like housemates. It's not a relationship or even a partnership.
I am sick of having the responsibility of making sure things happen/get done. He says he'll do things then doesn't, 6 months ago he was going to arrange for someone to do a job which needs doing. Actually, there's things he was going to dp much longer ago but hasn't.
My work is a bit sporadic so when I'm doing full weeks, he knows and I point out what he needs to but does about 5% of it. I am exhausted from doing all the planning and doing pretty much everything.
We have a 2 bed place so I can't even move into the spare room
I've had enough and would find it easier alone so am trying to get my finances in a better position but it seems impossible.
I saw a friend last weekend and she said exactly the same about her DP.

You don’t mention children? If none and you’re not married - why not just up sticks?

One 16yo.
I don't have the finances to go. If I did, I would.

I know two relationships like this

One was my grandparents, different era divorce wasn't as common and I think probably the would have divorced if it was now. They lived separate lives, my nan had the kitchen diner, my grandad the living room. They had separate bedrooms. My gran stayed in the home or went out to bingo. My grandad went to the pub every night and every week day. He cooked his own meals completely separate existence. Then he got sick and the main person he wanted by his side was my gran. It had been a long time since they were in a "romantic" style relationship but their relationship had evolved over the decades into a kinship/sibling like relationship. Despite the loss of the romantic and physical relationship they retained their friendship and love for each other. My gran nursed him at home until he died and grieved like she had lost her brother or soul mate.

My sister and her ex had a relationship like this only it was him that mostly initiated the distance. She wasn't allowed in the house at the weekends or evenings. He made her life difficult and she didn't want to be around him so when he said be gone by 8am and don't come back until I say you can at first felt like a blessing as she didn't have to stay around his abuse. It then became more problematic and her home was no longer her home. They ended up splitting up, he kicked her and her daughter out of the home with 3 days worth of clothes they had from a weekend away. Thankfully my parents were able to rejiggle rooms and put them up. They divorced and he has controlled her and her daughters life as much as he can get away with since.

It can be normal for relationships to change and live a happy and fulfilled life with another with a different type of relationship with the same person. It can also be a flag of a relationship where you need to have a plan to leave. If there is elements of abuse do tread carefully as that is when abuse can escalate.

@Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff

I just wanted to add, leaving didn't happen over night, it’s took a lot of soul searching, I think it go to the point where i was so miserable, their were days when I couldn’t move of the sofa. It is really hard to leave, it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, but it can be done. Maybe you’re just not ready, or a plan hasn’t come together. But it will, sometimes it just has to dwell a bit.

Do you earn enough to live independently (w/DD)? Where you are living, do you have the ability to separate and keep DD with you? And this may sound archaic, but does being unmarried mean that he doesn't have the same 'rights' with DD as if you were married?

Have you spoken to a solicitor about 'simply' separating? If not, you should.

What your sister was in was a highly abusive relationship @Superscientist

@Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff

OP, I get the impression that you live in Egypt or somewhere similar in the wider region.

I think that you would benefit immensely from specialist legal advice.

Do you ever get the opportunity to make short visits to the UK, just you and your daughter?

Doesn’t make a difference if we’re married sadly, it’s just all about our Dc
I can’t earn enough where I am, but definitely could in England

Starting to do this more and more now

@Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff

In that case, I would see someone like Nina Hansen at Freeman's for clarification of your position.

https://freemanssolicitors.net/team_members/nina-hansen/

Do you stay with family? Friends?

what passport does your daughter have?

Damn. Can't leave w/DD, not enough income to move out with her, either. Well, I'm not going to paint some false pretty picture for you, love. It does sound as if you are stuck, at least for the time being.

I think the best you can do is try to carve out a life for yourself away from 'him' as much as you can. Volunteering, hobbies in your spare time?

Is there any chance he feels the same and would agree to actually having separate lives whilst living in the same home? If the two of you are spending most of your time in separate rooms maybe you and he could hammer out some sort of 'cohabitation as roommates only' agreement.

Agree with seeing a specialist solicitor, preferably both where you are AND on one of your visits to the UK. Good to have a 'legal contact' in both places just in case. My situation was VERY different than yours (US, no kids, 'silver separation') but when I saw a lawyer for a consult, it wasn't expensive and resulted in them 'opening a file' on me w/basic info with which to be able to start legal proceedings after I paid a larger retainer. That file would have stayed open with them for 12 months and I could 'renew' it at that point if I wanted to. Once I'd decided (1 month later lol), it only took a phone call and the retainer fee for me to get the ball rolling. You may want to see if that's a possibility for you, if you feel it would give you some mental 'peace'.

And if there are reliable online groups for parents in your situation, I'd join them and hopefully you'd be able to keep abreast of any law changes (unlikely, I know) and/or legal 'exit strategies'.

I wish you good luck and a path to happiness where you are (until you and DD can leave).

Yes she was, in nearly every definition of abuse but it didn't start that way. The abuse as it does with many relationships was a slow creep.
She didn't like being around husband so she found other reasons to be away from him. The abuse then started to develop. It didn't escalate until she started to prepare to potentially leave.

Family

And they know what’s going on?
does your daughter have a British passport?

British, but born where we are

So really nothing like this.

Right so… on one of these multiple trips to the UK to stay with family, where you would earn much better than currently…. Don’t return.

It developed into a form of abuse but it didn't start like that.
It started with her wanting to spend time away from her husband as they weren't getting on. It developed into an abusive relationship over time. It was only after she left that she actually realised that more of his behaviour was abusive. Him walking around the house sulking and giving her the silent treatment so that she would go out and do something without him was abuse but not something she recognised at the time. It took years for that to go from subtle I'm going to make you not want to be around me to you aren't allowed at home at this time. Very much a situation where there is a slow creep from acceptable to unacceptable behaviours and the other party questions whether they are over thinking things

Abuse takes many different forms. I don't know the ins and outs of this relationship but there are definitely red flags here. In a healthy relationship a spouse would not be stuck in a country not of their origin where they are lonely and miserable and unable to earn to their ability is controlling behaviour and could very easily sway into abuse. Using the threat of losing access to their daughter if she was to return home is a huge red flag to.

Right now, this is an unhappy relationship with one side having a whole lot more to lose should the relationship end than the other. Relationships like this don't take much to tip into coercive control as well as emotional and financial abuse.

If any woman expresses to me that they "can't" leave and call their relationship "difficult" and "toxic". I give the caution about abuse as that is the time it's most harmful. My sister's husband didn't get violent until the day she tried to leave. She only found out he had been financially abusive a year or two after the divorce when she saw the standard of life they both had post separation and compared it to their marriage. They hadn't had any changes in salary in that time.

Legally I could be in big trouble