Am I the only one who basically avoids their Dh?

[Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff]

In a difficult relationship, but unable to get out, at least for now (very complicated)
Have Dc, light of my life.
I’m able to be strong and keep ok by sort of avoiding him.
I have my work, friends, Dc.
Weekdays are the easiest as it’s the least amount of time together.
Weekends can be difficult, but Dc mainly plays with friends so works in a way.
I have mainly just kept going like this. We are fine in front of my Dc, but sit in separate places when she is not there, for example.

Recently i’m feeling very lonely and thinking back to my younger years and previous boys/men who were after me and wanted to be with me and now i’m so alone.
I want that love and togetherness others have

I have friends who are also not happy.

I didn’t think when young that this was how my family life would be, feel sad for my Dc too.

Does anyone else live like this?

I’d feel less lonely living alone than with someone living separate lives and tolerating each other.

This is a very sad situations many of us are facing, myself included. I can’t give you advice but I totally share the sentiment on every aspect and I wish you all the strength to find what it is you want from your future and chase it for a happier life.

This resonates with me so much too. Feel less alone knowing others are going through the situation as well!

An asinine post.

What happens when you go on family holidays? Christmas time?

So looks like you’re both avoiding each other. Both unhappy. Both counting down the days. In his reasoning for not splitting now financial?

Children can put such pressure on a marriage. For us it is the pressure of having a dd with mh issues. Every day is a struggle. Splitting isn’t the solution. Finding the ability not to need to put her first is. And I don’t have a solution right now as she keeps digging her heels against even admitting she is unwell.

there are hundreds of thousands of people on here so it’s unlikely you will be found as long as you keep it pretty vague.

are you from uk and moved, what country are you now in?

do you speak the language or have money/a job?

has their been a history of domestic violence from dh?

can you get any help to move out but stay in the same country? does maybe your family have money?

do you need to stay woth dh to stay in the country? and what happens if you dont, he automatically gets dc, even though he presumable works and wouldnt want the responsibility of them as hes working all day?

the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves her violent partner so be very careful if he’s dangerous.

i think the can’t/wont poster above was only wondering if you actually have a choice or are trapped by circumstances, due to a lack of info on the post when she posted about the situation. lots of women think they are unable to leave but get helpful info that makes them realise they actually can. so i hope it’s that way for you. lifes too short.

More people live like this than don’t I suspect. And the older generations probably just put up and shut and and confined themselves to acceptance. I know a married couple in their early 60’s - he’s never at home - I mean never - he uses his work as a shield. I can think of 2 couples my age (I’m 43) who are in marriage counselling. They have kids in junior school. It’s really really common. Marriages do often have a shelf-life - often why 2nd marriages are happier experiences because you’ve done the duty of raising small children which destroys the first marriage and turns you in sulky and unloving flatmates.

I had some friends like this, turns out the mental health issues was just a miserable marriage. As soon as they spilt up he changed overnight, he was like a different person, it was incredulous to see. I’ve never seen a 180 change in someone so quickly like that. He was at the gym every morning, eating healthily, stopped drinking, got a new job. He seemed like a weight had been lifted off him.

I think this is very common. I have a year to go until youngest goes to uni, I can’t disrupt his A levels and I’m biding my time. We have become housemates we have tried to rekindle our relationship but I’m not sure we like each other anymore there is too much resentment. Grey divorce is on a massive increase mostly initiated by women, previous generations of women just put up with it for financial security. I have maybe 3 decades left I want to be happy.

@Luluthequeen

Grey divorce is on a massive increase mostly initiated by women, previous generations of women just put up with it for financial security.

Agree 💯. My parents generation just didn’t have the cultural acceptance around divorce that younger generations have nowadays. So they just stuck it out. But as previous posts have pointed out once children are added to the mix it’s never simply a case of walking away from a failing marriage. It also means walking away from the structures of your lifestyle that you’ve only managed to achieve by working together - your house, your garden, your neighbourhood, your community (in some cases.)

Finances play a massive part in why many people err on the side of caution as well. It’s very difficult to survive alone financially these days. You are quite literally stepping away from not just the marriage but everything in choosing to separate - and this is why people stay, for good or bad.

There’s no perfect solution. Some marriages come back round, some organically fall into comfortable friendship. Some develop toxicity and the couple just call it a day. Some naturally reach the end of the road. My parents are friends (they are in their mid 70’s. They have been in this state for over 35 years. They live together as companions but no intimacy.

For the last few years, since covid, I stayed for the kids. Now they have grown up and I don’t need to but at my age I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t want another relationship either, so I’ve decided to stay for financial stability and company. It’s not the life I thought I’d have at this stage, but being brought up by a divorced mum in the 70’s means I know what it is to be poor, and I don’t want to go there again.

Trust me… being alone is a shed load better than being with someone you don’t like let alone love

This is what I don’t understand.
Do you honestly think your 17 year old isn’t aware that his mother resents his father?

Life is too short. I am mid divorce and it’s the toughest thing I’ve been through (because of his behaviour not loss) but I’m still happier. Not having to avoid him in my own home is bliss!

I went to university with someone whose parent divorced once she'd left home - took her completely by surprise, she had no idea her parents had a bad marriage

That doesn’t answer the financial problem, and I know that I’m not alone in that.

Permission from whom, OP?

Do you live in the UK?

I was dreading 50/50 and not seeing DC all the time. But actually once I’d got used to it I loved the freedom to do what I wanted to. It’s liberating. Sadly my STBXH fucked it all up and now I am a single parent which is hard, I won’t lie, but it’s easier knowing I don’t have back up rather than thinking I do and getting my ex’s awful input instead of a true co-parent.

Also, there are moments of loneliness but what I’d say is that it’s a more pure version of lonely. The lonely I felt in my marriage was far more painful. The moments pass and the peace, contentment and joy of being free from toxicity is wonderful.

You have been married for a very long time? No kids at home? Do you work?

Same here too. I’m 45. I can’t leave so I guess this is how it is.

Apologies if this has been said,I tend to just read OP posts. Presumably you used to love each other to the point where you decided to marry.
Have you told him how unhappy you are and why? Have you considered counselling together to try and work together to get back to where you were.
We have been to a few weddings this year and it always strikes me that the traditional wedding vows must have been written in full knowledge that marriage is tough. They talk about ill health and financial difficulties, they mention forsaking all others ( remaining faithful) etc. Personally, I think if we have made those vows we have a responsibility to explore every option of how to get back to the respect and love we once had for each other. Unless there has been an event that has massively changed someone's personality, the person you once lived is still there, and it is just life and misunderstanding and poor communication and resentment building that has made things become unbearable.
Both parties need to be prepared to make themselves vulnerable to explore what had gone wrong and whether it is salvageable. This had to be worth a try, for the sake of DC, even if ultimately it changes nothing. At least you know you tried as hard as you could. xx

I’ve suggested counselling he won’t just dismisses it, there’s nowhere to go from
here

I was in a similar situation. We were expats in the Middle East. It took me two years to leave, it was a process. I got a job, had to get a working RP then I got myself an apartment nearby and took DD with me. Then it took another year to negotiate me being able to exit the country with her. But it started with a conversation with him that it was over which was really hard as he was really abusive narc.