Am I the only one who basically avoids their Dh?

[Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff]

In a difficult relationship, but unable to get out, at least for now (very complicated)
Have Dc, light of my life.
I’m able to be strong and keep ok by sort of avoiding him.
I have my work, friends, Dc.
Weekdays are the easiest as it’s the least amount of time together.
Weekends can be difficult, but Dc mainly plays with friends so works in a way.
I have mainly just kept going like this. We are fine in front of my Dc, but sit in separate places when she is not there, for example.

Recently i’m feeling very lonely and thinking back to my younger years and previous boys/men who were after me and wanted to be with me and now i’m so alone.
I want that love and togetherness others have

I have friends who are also not happy.

I didn’t think when young that this was how my family life would be, feel sad for my Dc too.

Does anyone else live like this?

I don’t understand

Yes I agree

I’m in this situation. I can’t leave as I can’t survive financially. At the moment, I feel like if we split up and he moved out things wouldn’t even be that different. We’re more like housemates with kids. I don’t hate him or anything we just aren’t a ‘couple’.

My first marriage was like yours OP. I left after 10 years of marriage (13 years together) and I was 36. My DC were 9 & 6. It was hard for them at first & I still carry a lot of guilt for that but ultimately I just couldn’t carry on in a relationship that made me so unhappy. I met my new DH a couple of years later & our relationship is great, I’m so much happier. Most importantly my DC get on brilliantly with him & I feel like we’re showing them what a healthy relationship looks like.
It was really difficult when I left my first marriage but in the end it was the right decision. I had wanted to leave for a long time but I was so scared, I’m still proud of myself for actually doing it.

Please leave. It’s awful for a few months but I feel such peace now. I can do anything I like. No more avoiding. It’s wonderful. I genuinely think about how lovely it is every single day.

Are you saying he’s physically ill op? That’s why you can’t leave?

No not ill

That’s amazing 💓Did you just leave the house with the kids?

I’m saying we should reserve the word “can’t” for women who actually can’t leave. Women who have had their passport and debit cards hidden from them, women who are their spouses carers, women on spousal visas, women living in countries without no-fault divorce.

Using “can’t” when you just want to save up a bit more money minimises the seriousness of the situations where women actually can’t leave. You are making a choice to stay until you are prepared to, and not everyone has that option.

Excuse me?! You have no idea why I can’t and no I can’t, please don’t assume you know the reason why I can’t

Do you have kids? How did he take it?

One of my closest friends lives like this and has done for several years. Her DH sleeps in the loft. They have 2 DC. They’ve agreed to formally split when the youngest has finished his A Levels.

It’s really not always as easy as ‘just leave’.

That is ridiculously sanctimonious and completely disregards OPs feelings about her situation. Just because it is physically possible for her to leave her situation doesn't mean she can just up and leave.

Yes but we eventually split and I realised I should have done it sooner.

No I didn’t & that was probably the most stressful time. I told him me & the DC were moving out & I bought a new house. It took a few months to get the new house so during that time we still had to live together (I slept on a mattress on the floor in DC rooms.) He stayed in the family home for a while then it was sold when our divorce was finalised. Sorting out practicalities like housing is really difficult & can seem impossible at times but you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other & moving forward.

I lived like this for years. I always found reasons to stay ...money....children.....difficult life circumstances out the home. In menopause I had pretty much a full breakdown and he couldn't cope....or didn't want to cope. He divorced me in the end and gave me the Decree absolute for my 64th birthday. Not great to have to start again at that age. Try not to leave it too long

Thank you and it isn’t actually physically possible to leave, not with my Dc anyway, unless I want to get charged for kidnapping. So no, things aren’t always clear cut to that Pp. I didn’t really want to go into details, more to see if others are in a similar situation and how they get through it

I have a lot of sympathy for you, @Muststopdrinkingfizzystuff (and I am your age!)

My DH was not supportive when we had little children and I came very close to calling time on the marriage at the end of 2024 as I was completely exhausted and very depressed with a then three year old and one year old. DH did / does not do bedtimes, get up with them in the morning, does not take them to the park or soft play or classes. His contribution was to take DS to his weekly swimming lesson and pick him up from school once a week when he WFH. That was it (and I dreaded that day as I always returned to chaos.)

I really had to weigh things up and decide - I knew he wasn’t going to change and I decided on balance I just had to put up sounds awful but I was wrung out and exhausted and I couldn’t face a split.

Things have changed as DH is seriously ill and I feel so sorry for him and of course do love him in a way but the resentment is so difficult to get over. I can’t say what I would have done had he stayed well. I like to think we’d have come through it but who knows.

It really isn’t that simple and I completely understand that.

So sorry, hope things are at least better now?

That sounds so hard, so sorry x

Sorry, shouldn't have assumed that.

Anyway, not sure i can offer any tips on how to get through it. My coping mechanism so far involves wine and Netflix :/

Same.

I wish I could say they were but I am incredibly lonely and I spend a lot of time crying. I had to walk away from so much after the divorce. I was probably too old and took weary to start again. That's why I urge you to make a move while you're still young enough to make a new life.

I don't have all the facts about your relationship and reasons for staying op but I can honestly say I was far lonelier in my relationship than I am now, out of it.

Yes my children were small. It was 13 years ago. I just up sticks and went. Left the lot and got a rental and filed for divorce.
I have a lovely partner now who is my true soul mate. It has been tough financially at times and co parenting difficult.
But it's far far better than going back to living/being married to him. I was not happy...miserable infact.
Dont leave it too late.