DS escalating consequences given by DH

[ThaQuilomum]

Sorry this will be long.

DS age 15 is smart, kind and funny but too into screens. Does very well at school but needs to be told to study and sat on. His phone is controlled by us by Quostodio app so it is limited to approximately 2 to 3 hours per day. He is allowed to game at the weekend for 3 hours ish although it is often longer. If he was let, he would stay on screens all day long. During the summer, he can game some evenings also. He has a few jobs he does. Usually has to be reminded: feed the dog, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher. In July he was involved in gym project in the garage with the whole family - clearing out the garage, painting it and putting new gym equipment together. His best friend is abroad at the moment on an exchange. He looks forward to gaming with him in the evenings as there is a time difference. He socialises mainly online.

It is hard to get ds off Gaming. He recently started playing Rainbow Six Siege Where once you start playing you get peanlties and rank can be affected. But if given a warning to turn off once game is over he will come off. This can legitimately be in 30 mins though once the game finishes often the first team to reach 5. So in theory could be up to 9 rounds.

Dh and I had both previously agreed to give DS a fair warning to wrap up gaming sessions. But last night DH demanded he turn off the console instantly while ds was in the middle of a live match. Dh said it was in the loading screen. Ds said it was actually started.

The Escalation: Expecting an immediate shutdown within seconds I feel set ds up for instant failure. When he didn't comply instantly, dh stayed in the room giving out til the match was over. I was in bed having spent evening ferrying dd to activity and asked him to get ds off the game following what i know needs to be done in order to get ds off and over the high and dopamine hit of the game.

I woke to it conpletley escalated. Dh saying he was losing 45 minutes of gaming tomorrow. This went to no gaming tomorrow, to uninstalling the game and to taking the pc out of the house altgoether. Dh definitely eacalated things. Did not hold his boundary calmly. Said ds was harrassing and judging him ('what do you do all day' kind of comments from ds). He pointed out that dh spends hours and hours every day on his phone. Dh was shouting and in his face and ds was saying he was a bully and treats the girls differently and does not give the girls such punishments.

i tired to intervene and calm the situation down. There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors. Eventually dh locked himself in the sittingroom downstairs and went to sleep while I comforted ds and he cried himself to sleep.

I woke up to ds telling me dh had removed all his time from his phone which i feel is vindictive. Dh says he doesn't respect him and answers him back the whole time. Last night ds was cursing at dh which is extremely rare for him and he was so dysregulated I can see why although it is not right and it needs to be addressed in a calm way after the fact.

10 year old dd was awake during it and recognised the overreaction and stepped in to tell dh he was going too far. He shouted at her that she had no scream time tomorrow.

he is now not talking to me and dh I think. Seems to be talking to dds. How he is not ashamed of himself and reflecting on this is beyond me..

This happens about twice a month always with ds and I end up trying to support a reasonable consequence and have tried on calm days to explain to dh that he is 15 with a developing brain and his push back is normal teenage behaviour and he is actually a very sweet lovely boy. What would you do in this scenario. It is a constant source of conflict between us and tbh I make no apologies standing up for ds because I think the behaviour is so unfair. I just want consequences to be porportionate. I actually feel ds did nothing wrong initially and then lost it completely and didnt shower himself in glory. But how does dh align all that with thr fact he lost his shit and behaved really badly. Aibu to expect dh to be able to regulate himself and deal calmly with his son. He is a gamer himself which I think makes it worse he doesn't understand.

Your Husband is abusive. This is not normal
behaviour, you do not need/should not put up with this. Your poor children!

You grew up in a shitty home and I say that as someone who grew up in a very shitty home.

But it sounds like you have the same rules for your kids, which is really sad.

If I was watching a movie that was nearly finished and it was bedtime, I would always be allowed to watch the ending of it.

If I was on the phone, I would also be allowed a couple minutes to say how I need to go and to say bye etc.

You sound controlling if you think it’s uncommon to allow your kids a couple more minutes to finish what they’re doing.

@ThaQuilomum

Kill me now, but the angst generated about gaming and the length of screen time for a 15 year old, perplexes me somewhat, caveat, we are a gaming household.

Your husband, even if he is frustrated, took the completely wrong approach, tbh his reaction was somewhat infantile and shouting at your son like that, should never be acceptable.

It's the school holidays, his (your son's) best pal is on holiday, gaming fills his soul, what is actually the problem here?

If your son is complying with his household chores and spending quality time with the rest of your family, why severely limit his passion for gaming? What else should he be doing?

; for punctation

It sounds such an awful abusive situation.

I just wondered too if your DH is jealous of his son..the connection to his friend/s via gaming and maybe his abilities whilst gaming...because his behaviour is just so aggressive.

I suppose it doesn't matter as you can't allow your children to live in an abusive environment...you have a year until important exams?

My dad was like this with me and it damaged our relationship beyond recovery. He for the last 20 years he has tried incredibly hard to be my friend but I can never really trust him. I guess it’s for your DH to work out what sort of relationship he wants with his son when he’s an adult.

You realise that what you’re describing is him being violent?
Thats you’re in abuse territory. Punching wall, breaking your stuff.
And then silent treatment afterwards.
And it happens often. Because once a week IS often.

And it’s not because it’s mainly directed towards your ds that it isn’t abuse.

I think you need to open your eyes on how bad things are @ThaQuilomum

DH over reacted big time. But, if I gave my DC notice that game time was over in? Say 15 minutes, than after 15 minutes to shut the computer down, that’s what I’d expect him to do, He’d have been told it was coming and when and it came. I understand he wouldn’t want to stop. But them’s the rules. BUT, DH’s punishment is way out of proportion to natural consequences.

Is what your son says about your husband true?

Why should he respect an abusive man. Why cant he game with friends.

I am the mother of two previously gaming adults. Its the biggest curse in a household as they love it but we hate it. My youngest ds was especially fond of it and that was how he communicated with his friends. We never allowed in in their bedrooms but l have to admit allowed far more than we were comfortable with as you couldn't be after them constantly. I did finally grasp that concept of needing tp finish a game as their friends were on and the competition was fierce. We did have rows but never as crazy as your dhs reaction. He needs to learn from this. I remember going to a talk in their school and the psychologist said..you are all here to learn how to manage your teens but l will mostly be speaking about parents managing their own emotions!!. Could you and your dh do a parenting course?
Saying all this my two sons never game now, have lots of friends, wonderful gfs, good jobs with college degrees. Gaming is a stage, a difficult one but its important not to panic thinking you're raising a delinquent. Its very normal for his age and you may need to give him a bit more freedom as stirring your child to anger and frustration is counter productive.

Gaming seems to be very taboo on here but it can be a great hobby and so much better than social media.

There are loads of positives about it, it is proven that it is good for cognitive development and social development.

Surgeons are encouraged to game because of the positive effects it has on the brain.

Most professions that require precision and concentration like surgeons and pilots will incorporate some form of video games into the training and have done for years.

I know women in their 80s that play games like candy crush and wordle every single day.
They’re not as social but they’re still great for cognition.

If you’re ever confused about how much is too much etc just imagine it is like watching TV or reading.
Both can be very good for you but can become unhealthy if that’s all they do.

You wouldn’t expect someone to immediately turn off the TV or stop reading.
You would say finish the chapter you’re on and if the programme only has 15mins left, you would let them watch it until the end.

This is unequivocally repeated abusive behaviour.

He's already refused to go to counselling to reflect on and amend his behaviour patterns. This will not change for the better.

It's ducks in a row time because he will damage your son, your daughter, and already your perspective on reasonable, healthy behaviours in a family is distorted.

You have good kids. Don't let him damage them.

I get why you replied a bit snarky you are feeling vulnerable and attacked but I honestly believe you and your son are being abused by this man and think you need to understand the gravity of this instead of ficussing on the gaming aspect. I have just re read your replies. and my statement still stands. You DO have a lock on your Child's door and that is a safeguarding concern. The fact that they haven't been used since you moved in is irrelevant. They are there, you have for whatever reason felt the need to keep them/the keys, the father has now attempted to use it and moving forward the opportunity is there to do so again. As your son gets older, bigger and more defiant of the overbearing nature of his father and seeing him swearing at you, breaking hair brushes, punching walls and emotionally abusing you with weaponosed silence I can almost guarantee this won't be the last time. It's not just your son, you mention he treats the girls differently. He may not be abusing them (yet) but they are learning that this kind of behaviour is normal. Put all the little incidents together instead of seeing them as individual oh he only did this once or one time he did such and such see the pattern.

I'd threaten to chuck your husband out or threaten to leave. His behaviour isn't acceptable or helpful. Your son sounds perfectly reasonable. Swearing isn't great but understandable. Why shouldn't be answer back, is he just expected to be treated like a three year old.

Teenage boys will stand up to their fathers, it's not uncommon, they're asserting their dominance, if this isn't resolved it could escalate into physical fights. Your husband sounds like he's not in control of his emotions and massively escalated the problem, you say it happens regularly. That's not acceptable, he should be sitting everyone down to discuss what happened, apologising and talking about how you can all move forward.

I wouldn't have respect for him, doesn't sound like your son does either.

What a shame, your son sounds like a normal fifteen year old with normal hobbies and interests. I don't think many fifteen year olds are in cub scouts and fishing in their free time. It would be nice if he was online less but as he pointed out is your husband. Does your husband ever take him to the football, laser quest, a bike ride, a swim, the cinema etc, sounds like their relationship needs a lot of work.

This isn’t about gaming, it’s about an abusive husband. Hitting walls, throwing things, storming about isn’t a safe way to deal with conflict.

I would make plans to leave, whatever that looks like financially and practically. What do you think he’ll do when he runs out of walls? Your children are telling you in their behaviour that they don’t feel safe, you’re trying to keep the peace and not managing, because billy big bawz needs it all his own way. Get out as soon as possible, your future self will thank you.

Blimey I just read your other replies, I'd leave him, you live with an unreasonable, violent bully doesn't give a shit. You have a duty of care firstly to your children and you're enabling this situation
.

I would be safeguarding my son, H is an adult he completely messed this up last night and what on earth was he thinking of by looking to ‘lock a 15yo in his room.’. I don’t like that at all. He is nasty and abusive, get your son’s computer back for a start then think about how you are going to protect your kids and give H 2 options- it never happens again or he goes.

Just read the updates… leave…. he is a piece of shit

Your son is 3 years away from being an adult… it’s not as far away as it sounds and he could easily turn round and cut his dad off when he’s old enough. Harsh but it is reality and happens a lot nowadays. Hope everyone can sort it out xx

You need to wait till everyone has calmed down. Keep your DS off his device for now, and tell both of them you are going to sit down when everyone is calm and reevaluate the rules around DS gaming. Obviously it will be in DS interests to participate if he wants to game again. If DH chooses to be a child and not take part then so be it, you and DS will sit together and decide on the rules then you will put them to DH. Write them down so everyone is clear. You can obviously include when DS is allowed to game and for how long. It sounds like your current rules are quite liberal and personally I think that’s ok for a young person his age who clearly enjoys gaming and gets something social out of it as well. There is a frustration in having to stop part way through though. So maybe you could build something in like setting an alarm, what, half an hour before time up? Or however long works for the game itself. No new games should be started after the alarm. Obviously you’re not going to be sitting with to necessarily hear the alarm, but regardless, the game goes off at time up. But if you’ve built in something to help signal to DS that it’s time to wrap up. Make sure it’s very clear what the consequences are if there is any pushback. If it gets to the point where you have to pull out the plug, no gaming tomorrow. Ideally you want him reliably turning off at the agreed time, or at least turning off with no debate when you remind him it’s time up.
Also include what to do if he’s home alone, which me might well be for periods at 15?
And give you OH a serious talking to about his temper. Honesty if this continues and he can’t get on board with a cooperative approach then I’m not sure what the future holds. You could suggest that you take sole control of everything to do with managing DS gaming, until such times as the system is running smoothly. He clearly doesn’t have the skills, sense or temperament to manage this right now.

Exactly this!
honestly, he’s 15! Please please please give him some freedom! He sounds like a very good kid!

& your husband sounds awful. There is no way that I would allow someone to treat my children like that. Take some of your energy from controlling your son to either look into leaving your husband or helping him with his anger issues

Sweetheart, as someone who has been there, 1 - 3 times a month is at worst almost weekly?

My dh does this occasionally and by occasionally I mean a couple of times a year and I have kicked him out and spoken to a divorce lawyer. He went for counselling and sorted a number of issues (this happened after his father died). Things are a bit better now but by no means perfect.

But if this is happening that often, you need to think of the impact on the kids. Its so hard cos its their dad and you love him but in practical terms and a really weird analogy, if a car were breaking down and causing you this much stress 1 - 3 times a month - would you keep it?

If ds was getting bullied or this behaviour happening at school 1 - 3 times a month, what would you be doing?

If DD was witnessing this aggression 1-3 times a month at school, what would you be doing?

Are you letting things go just cos its their dad? And i do say that with love, not judgement!

Massive overreaction.

Very controlling too.

Divorce fixed a similar problem for me.

Ex is also much better with the teen DC now and their relationships have improved - possibly because he knows they will choose not to see him if he shouts at them.

You need to speak calmly to dh away from the kids and at a time emotions are calm. He needs some anger management partly so he can parent effectively and partly he must be miserable himself constantly flying off the handle. I'd expect him to recognise this issue in himself and take action. If he refuses to listen, then you have to decide whether you can cope with this kind of marriage. As it is, he is setting a horrid example for your kids and is also ruining the family atmosphere/dynamics. I have a clear rule for everyone in the house, we simply do not shout at each other. There is never a need (unless it's a cry for help or safety), a lot of people in our generation grew up with "a bollocking" or a smack and the idea that kids learn from being threatened/bullied unto fear and submission is hard wired. It needs unwiring, shouting at ds won't make him listen, threatening him and bullying him is not giving him cause to respect your dh. Speak to dh about what he actually wants the dynamic to be, if he wants respect then he has to earn it with a 15 year old by being someone he looks up to and values in his life. If that is what he wants, he needs to work with a therapist or anger management expert to get there. If he simply doesn't believe he is the issue or continues to blame ds when all is calm, then you've got a longer term problem here. Even if the ultimate issue is that ds needs to come off his games when asked, the method used by dh is not working and is upsetting everyone, so something needs to give - your sons behaviour is a moot point really, as your dh can't manage it and himself appropriately whatever he is doing.

Relationship counselling. DH thinks he’s right and proportionate and he doesn’t care what you think, or he’s too far down the narcissistic injury response to have insight. You need to discuss this with a referee in the room to offer him an outside perspective. If that doesn’t work he needs to leave, this is emotional abuse of your children.