DS escalating consequences given by DH

[ThaQuilomum]

Sorry this will be long.

DS age 15 is smart, kind and funny but too into screens. Does very well at school but needs to be told to study and sat on. His phone is controlled by us by Quostodio app so it is limited to approximately 2 to 3 hours per day. He is allowed to game at the weekend for 3 hours ish although it is often longer. If he was let, he would stay on screens all day long. During the summer, he can game some evenings also. He has a few jobs he does. Usually has to be reminded: feed the dog, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher. In July he was involved in gym project in the garage with the whole family - clearing out the garage, painting it and putting new gym equipment together. His best friend is abroad at the moment on an exchange. He looks forward to gaming with him in the evenings as there is a time difference. He socialises mainly online.

It is hard to get ds off Gaming. He recently started playing Rainbow Six Siege Where once you start playing you get peanlties and rank can be affected. But if given a warning to turn off once game is over he will come off. This can legitimately be in 30 mins though once the game finishes often the first team to reach 5. So in theory could be up to 9 rounds.

Dh and I had both previously agreed to give DS a fair warning to wrap up gaming sessions. But last night DH demanded he turn off the console instantly while ds was in the middle of a live match. Dh said it was in the loading screen. Ds said it was actually started.

The Escalation: Expecting an immediate shutdown within seconds I feel set ds up for instant failure. When he didn't comply instantly, dh stayed in the room giving out til the match was over. I was in bed having spent evening ferrying dd to activity and asked him to get ds off the game following what i know needs to be done in order to get ds off and over the high and dopamine hit of the game.

I woke to it conpletley escalated. Dh saying he was losing 45 minutes of gaming tomorrow. This went to no gaming tomorrow, to uninstalling the game and to taking the pc out of the house altgoether. Dh definitely eacalated things. Did not hold his boundary calmly. Said ds was harrassing and judging him ('what do you do all day' kind of comments from ds). He pointed out that dh spends hours and hours every day on his phone. Dh was shouting and in his face and ds was saying he was a bully and treats the girls differently and does not give the girls such punishments.

i tired to intervene and calm the situation down. There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors. Eventually dh locked himself in the sittingroom downstairs and went to sleep while I comforted ds and he cried himself to sleep.

I woke up to ds telling me dh had removed all his time from his phone which i feel is vindictive. Dh says he doesn't respect him and answers him back the whole time. Last night ds was cursing at dh which is extremely rare for him and he was so dysregulated I can see why although it is not right and it needs to be addressed in a calm way after the fact.

10 year old dd was awake during it and recognised the overreaction and stepped in to tell dh he was going too far. He shouted at her that she had no scream time tomorrow.

he is now not talking to me and dh I think. Seems to be talking to dds. How he is not ashamed of himself and reflecting on this is beyond me..

This happens about twice a month always with ds and I end up trying to support a reasonable consequence and have tried on calm days to explain to dh that he is 15 with a developing brain and his push back is normal teenage behaviour and he is actually a very sweet lovely boy. What would you do in this scenario. It is a constant source of conflict between us and tbh I make no apologies standing up for ds because I think the behaviour is so unfair. I just want consequences to be porportionate. I actually feel ds did nothing wrong initially and then lost it completely and didnt shower himself in glory. But how does dh align all that with thr fact he lost his shit and behaved really badly. Aibu to expect dh to be able to regulate himself and deal calmly with his son. He is a gamer himself which I think makes it worse he doesn't understand.

I would take him out somewhere low key. I would tell him that his behaviour when he loses his temper is unacceptable. Screaming and swearing at a child, even a very annoying one, is unacceptable AND counter productive.

The fact you’re in public reduces his chance of blowing his stack at you. You will have to stay calm and listen carefully when he justifies himself- ‘you undermine me!’ No, I haven’t undermined you, that’s why we’re talking about where the dc can’t hear.

I’d ask him what he’s going to do about it, because it can’t go on.

In the meantime, I’d avoid giving him the opportunity to parent DS as he doesn’t have the skills for it.

He's an abusive piece of shit and a hypocrite with it. If this happens regularly I think you should protect your son and LTB

I’d leave the poor lad alone, to be honest.
Reading your post, I kept expecting you’d describe a teenager completely out of control, but instead you’ve described a boy who does well at school, has a few chores, enjoys gaming, and likes chatting to his friend who’s on an exchange. That all sounds pretty normal for a 15-year-old.
I also think you’re both watching and managing him far too closely. Timing his phone, timing his gaming, sitting on him to study, monitoring when every game starts and finishes… he’s 15, not 5. At some point he needs a bit of trust and the chance to learn to manage himself.

And the biggest issue here isn’t the gaming anyway, it’s your DH’s reaction. The adult in the room should be the one able to regulate his emotions. Shouting, changing the goalposts halfway through an online game and escalating everything into a massive row isn’t helping anyone.
He sounds like a decent kid. I’d ease off a bit and let him actually enjoy being 15 before he’s expected to be an adult.

OP, so sorry. This sounds awful all round. We are not a gaming household so I might be off base but if this was me I might support the gaming console/PC to leave the house in the boot of DHs car who can also go and stay elsewhere while everyone has a reset, does some things not on screens and considers how you move forward as a family.

If DH won't go, which I can imagine might be the case, can you and the kids go and stay with family? Pack enough for a few days and go and be somewhere else. It doesn't sound safe for you all to be living together until there is some sort of plan of action. DS sounds desperately addicted to gaming and DH is in need of anger management support.

I sense that you are very supportive of DS's need for help to transition from gaming to the real world but I don't think you are doing him any favours here. If the levels on a game are more important than his family, he will find relationships/ real life quite limiting. I like reading and don't always want to put my book down to help a family member locate something in the fridge, but obviously I do, and I am sure you do too. DS will benefit from being able to do this too, won't he? (Forgive my gaming ignorance if actually leaving a game part way through actually is more of a problem than your family breaking down around you.)

This is quite a common thing between father and son. A sort of rite of passage. But it doesn’t mean your husband has done the right thing. I’m glad you’re able to advocate and support your son.
Your husband needs to think of other ways of dealing with his son.
maybe with the right ‘talking’ you can help him with this.
What was your husbands relationship
like with his own father?

Personally for me it sounds very controlling over a 15 year old.

Very interesting question. His father is still alive. I dont know that he was very involved off to work and his mum who was stay at home mum would have done all the day to day stuff. On the surface he has a good relationship. I certainly dont think he shouted and roared at him growing up. But I dont think he has any depth to his relationship and they would never have deep and meaningful conversations or he wouldn't go to him for advice. I would remind him regularly to call his parents or we would all go over to see them cos it would dawn on me that he hasn't seen them in ages. He feels his parents love his sisters more without a doubt.

So the dad waited until the match was over, then the son kept talking back in a cheeky manner which escalated the situation. Clearly this sent the Dad over the top. The Dad lost control but the son didn’t help either.

It sounds like gaming is prioritised too heavily in your house OP.

I have absolutely no interest in gaming so I only know what I've written. I think your last sentence is a bit sarcastic? I suppose the reason I ask this is beacuse the family breaking down around me is always in this scenario twice a month ish on average and usually a result of screen time conflict which escalates and dh gets beyond frustrated and blows his top and completely and totally overreacts.

You are both way too much on your DS’s case but DH’s uncontrollable temper is the primary issue to resolve. Agree it would be good if he could be persuaded to go and stay elsewhere for a while whilst you consider whether you want to continue in the marriage.

Forgive my gaming ignorance if actually leaving a game part way through actually is more of a problem than your family breaking down around you.

@Bigtrapeze thats quite a shityy comment.
Im not a gamer either but it’s not hard to see how it can feel difficult to stop,a game half way through. It doesn’t stop people interacting in RL. Nor is it ok to imply that the ds or the OP is breaking the family apart by not being able to step out.

I’d be telling DH to leave, he’s abusive.
Your DS sounds like a normal 15 year old to me, sounds like a fair compromise to just let him finish a game

Does your DH have other stresses to be dealing with? Sometimes teenagers and adult pressures can be a pressure cooker but it seems a bit like DH has taken a position now and doesnt want to back down, but IMO respect is earned and hard for DS to respect someone who loses control like that. The situation with screen monitoring does seem a bit controlling, better to set the boundaries ahead rather than march in and demand he turns it off instantly. Maybe let the dust settle and then try a calm conversation to agree on future boundaries.

I find with teenagers asking for their input helps a lot. DS came home drunk recently (legal drinking age btw) and was sick everywhere, once sober I asked what he thought reasonable consequences would be and he said clean it up and do some extra chores which I thought was fair, for example.

DH needs to.learn to take a breath and maybe a 'fire break' of not doling out consequences for an hour to allow reflection and calmer response vs heat of the moment?

A child should also end a game if the parent tells them too. Life will not end if he stops midway and he should have the emotional capacity at 15 to do this.

It shows how pervasive gaming has become in households.

@ThaQuilomum your d( is it at ally out of line and cannot control his anger. it’s not ok. It’s damaging to your dcs. And it’s actually damaging your marriage too.

The time limits you’ve put on your ds,as a 15yo, are miles to low. And I say this as someone who has always been strict in gaming.
It doesn’t teach your ds self regulation but rather treats him like a primary age school child when he us getting ready to si read his wings.
It sounds even more weird knowing your dh is a gamer. If he really is, he must be spending hours playing too. And I’m sure he wouldn’t like to be stopped in the middle of a game!

Now has your dh ever apoligised to his dcs about his over reaction?
Has he ever apoligised to you?
Because, fir me, that’s the first step that needs to happen

Not quite. I was asleep but my understanding is dad stayed in the room giving out while ds finished the match and said right that's 45 mins gone from tomorrow. Ds reacted to that - that's not fair etc then no time tomorrow. Ds reacted. Then uninstall game, etc

My DS has been gaming since age 10 (he’s now 22) and apart from going to work Monday to Friday and the gym 3 times a week he games constantly. He is a lovely lad, kind, sensitive and very shy (think he is somewhere on the spectrum and has a bit of OCD) My DH still can’t get his head around the fact that DS hardly ever goes out with his mates (they do about twice a month) but I tell him that’s the new normal now. Me and DH had quite a few arguments when DS was an teenager about how much he was gaming and what games he was allowed to play (I let him play GTA 5 since the age of 11). DS always did his studies and homework and we actively encouraged him to do exercise, swimming club twice and a week and he got his 1st Dan black belt age 11 in mixed martial arts. I would try and explain to your DH that shouting and swearing at your DS is not the answer.

It’s a game. So it should be allowed to continue another hour or two?

There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors.

Hello OP,

How many times before has your DH tried to lock your son in his bedroom? Has he ever done this? And your DS is now 15yrs old?

Also, telling you to F off when trying to intervene? Does he speak to you like this about twice a month then? Or more often?

What about the slamming doors?

Is there a history of this?

Does he slam anything else? Break anything? Throw? Smash as well?

How frightened do the younger children feel around this behaviour?

Your poor DS.

How long have you been tolerating this kind of abusive behaviour?

What happens to you if you don't do everything that DH wants you to do?

Is this a familiar dynamic for you from your past?

What do you think is actually acceptable and what are you thinking going forwards about this?

We are not a gaming family at all.
Both my dcs would be annoyed at being told to stop in the middle of a game.
As young adults now, theyd be annoyed if they were expected to stop for no reason at all.
And tbh, I’d be annoyed too.
And that’s despite the fact none of us really care about the games.

For me the ‘it’s just a game. It’s not important. Just do as you are told’ is just parents tryimg to impose their authority fur no reason at all agd bring authoritarian in the process. I dint find it gives a good outcome, parenting wise. Even less so in 15yo

When your husband has calmed down ask him if he’d like a better relationship with his son than he has with his dad.
it sounds like he doesn’t know how to be a father to a son if he’s never experienced it himself. He’s probably feeling really sad that his son doesn’t ‘obey’ him and doesn’t know what to do or how to be.

DH doesn’t appear to be able to control his temper and that is worrying.

Only you know how bad this is and how it’s affecting your children, but he doesn’t sound like someone I would want around my children.

I mean if the ten year old daughter is taking it upon herself to get involved, he’s clearly not a big, scary abusive man.

Let me tell you, I am absolutely sick to the back teeth of asking my tweens to do something five hundred times before they’ll actually do it. It wears me right down and over the summer holidays it’s absolutely constant. I wouldn’t be locking anyone in rooms but I have lost my shit once or twice.

I think if you are not a gamer, it is hard to understand and I am not a gamer. From my research teams of psychologists are involved in developing games and making them as addictive as possible. If ds is only gaming a few times a week and in this game you come off before the match ends then you can get banned for a period of time (if you repeatedly do it) or lose your rank. So from a gamers perspective you work hard to get your rank up over a number of weeks or whatever and then because youre not told right finish up aftet this match, you will lose significant progress. I understand that even though I have zero interest in gaming.

Your DH is an abusive bully. You need to have your sons back. I'd give him his computer back and tell your DH to stop acting like a controlling twat.