DS escalating consequences given by DH

[ThaQuilomum]

Sorry this will be long.

DS age 15 is smart, kind and funny but too into screens. Does very well at school but needs to be told to study and sat on. His phone is controlled by us by Quostodio app so it is limited to approximately 2 to 3 hours per day. He is allowed to game at the weekend for 3 hours ish although it is often longer. If he was let, he would stay on screens all day long. During the summer, he can game some evenings also. He has a few jobs he does. Usually has to be reminded: feed the dog, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher. In July he was involved in gym project in the garage with the whole family - clearing out the garage, painting it and putting new gym equipment together. His best friend is abroad at the moment on an exchange. He looks forward to gaming with him in the evenings as there is a time difference. He socialises mainly online.

It is hard to get ds off Gaming. He recently started playing Rainbow Six Siege Where once you start playing you get peanlties and rank can be affected. But if given a warning to turn off once game is over he will come off. This can legitimately be in 30 mins though once the game finishes often the first team to reach 5. So in theory could be up to 9 rounds.

Dh and I had both previously agreed to give DS a fair warning to wrap up gaming sessions. But last night DH demanded he turn off the console instantly while ds was in the middle of a live match. Dh said it was in the loading screen. Ds said it was actually started.

The Escalation: Expecting an immediate shutdown within seconds I feel set ds up for instant failure. When he didn't comply instantly, dh stayed in the room giving out til the match was over. I was in bed having spent evening ferrying dd to activity and asked him to get ds off the game following what i know needs to be done in order to get ds off and over the high and dopamine hit of the game.

I woke to it conpletley escalated. Dh saying he was losing 45 minutes of gaming tomorrow. This went to no gaming tomorrow, to uninstalling the game and to taking the pc out of the house altgoether. Dh definitely eacalated things. Did not hold his boundary calmly. Said ds was harrassing and judging him ('what do you do all day' kind of comments from ds). He pointed out that dh spends hours and hours every day on his phone. Dh was shouting and in his face and ds was saying he was a bully and treats the girls differently and does not give the girls such punishments.

i tired to intervene and calm the situation down. There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors. Eventually dh locked himself in the sittingroom downstairs and went to sleep while I comforted ds and he cried himself to sleep.

I woke up to ds telling me dh had removed all his time from his phone which i feel is vindictive. Dh says he doesn't respect him and answers him back the whole time. Last night ds was cursing at dh which is extremely rare for him and he was so dysregulated I can see why although it is not right and it needs to be addressed in a calm way after the fact.

10 year old dd was awake during it and recognised the overreaction and stepped in to tell dh he was going too far. He shouted at her that she had no scream time tomorrow.

he is now not talking to me and dh I think. Seems to be talking to dds. How he is not ashamed of himself and reflecting on this is beyond me..

This happens about twice a month always with ds and I end up trying to support a reasonable consequence and have tried on calm days to explain to dh that he is 15 with a developing brain and his push back is normal teenage behaviour and he is actually a very sweet lovely boy. What would you do in this scenario. It is a constant source of conflict between us and tbh I make no apologies standing up for ds because I think the behaviour is so unfair. I just want consequences to be porportionate. I actually feel ds did nothing wrong initially and then lost it completely and didnt shower himself in glory. But how does dh align all that with thr fact he lost his shit and behaved really badly. Aibu to expect dh to be able to regulate himself and deal calmly with his son. He is a gamer himself which I think makes it worse he doesn't understand.

I agree with this. I would also suggest that your DH needs to role model the behaviour he wants to see. If he spends all day on his phone, as your DS pointed out, he can't really take the high road on screen time. And, if he overreacts, so will his son. This is all on your DH. Your son sounds like a good kid.

Well DH is a nasty little man with a huge but fragile ego. A real Napoleon type, isn't he? I'm afraid I would give him warning that if he ever tells me to F.O. again it will be the last time, quite apart from his behaviour towards his son.
His behaviour towards his son was also appalling! If a rule has been set, everyone needs to stick to.it, so DS should have been able to finish his game. DH needs to find was to control his own behaviour before he starts trying to control other people's. I would be giving an ultimatum, here.

The moment my husband threatened to lock my child in the bedroom, it would be game over (pardon the pun). I am completely serious. There is no way I could live in a household with that kind of emotional abuse. It horrifies me and makes me feel quite sick.

I would be telling him that counselling isn't an option anymore. It's that or leave.

I grew up with abusive, unpredictable parents, and it ruined me. Please protect your children. How are they today?

It sounds like your H lost control of his anger/rage and that it’s happened before. It’s toxic and needs addressing to prevent years of problems and resentment with DS.

He needs to find ways to manage his reaction when parenting teens, esp a son. Uncontrolled anger is terrifying for your children (and you) and has the potential to cause lasting damage.

If he cares about being a good husband and parent rather than just ruling through fear then he should accept counselling.

Same.

That kid needs to know that what his father did was absolutely wrong.

OP, do you ever have evenings out? Time away from the home? Because there is no way I would leave my son and probably my daughter, around your husband alone if this is how he behaves.

Beacuse it was late. Dh watching old episodes of star trek. Wrecked. Got up looked at the clock and said god how late is it need to go to bed.

I agree Im amazed at how much this seems to be tolerated.

Its like turn the telly off, when told to turn the telly off, you turned it off

When told to get off the house phone and end your call, you ended your call

Now, it seems acceptable to just carry on.

It’s no different to my daughter saying “I’ll just finish this chapter” when she is reading. Nobody would suggest I snatch the book away from her.

Your DH is right to be strict. Neither of them behaved well here. Sounds like a good long cold turkey break from screens would be good.

Nothing is so urgent it needs people to stop what they are doing right now. Deciding that needs to be done is controlling behaviour.

Your DH sounds like a controlling bully.

If a boy was in a football match you wouldn't tell them to come off the pitch in the middle of a game, this is nearer the equivalent🤷

Your husband's behaviour is bullying and nasty, a 15 year old should be able to spend their time as they wish (so long as not breaking the law or hurting anybody else). I have three adult sons who all gamed and its only fair to give warning if they need to stop soon for anything but none of them were time restricted. They have to be responsible for managing their own time by secondary school, if they don't do their homework they suffer the consequences from school, it shouldn't need parental intervention otherwise they will never learn and you can't be telling them what to do in 3 years time when at Uni or work.

The line “he (dh)feels his parents love his sisters more than him” stood out there after you wrote that ds says his dad treats his sisters differently (better?). And now your husband appears to be carrying that down to his own children. Maybe point this out to him, ask him if he wants to be like that with his own son, knowing exactly what that feels like, and in the process ruining his relationship with his son.
I can’t really comment on the gaming stuff, because I wouldn’t have your set up in the first place so it would be unfair of me to comment.

Both you and your dh are way too up in his business. He is 15, and it's the summer holidays. Why are you limiting his screen time ss though he's a small child?

There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors. Eventually dh locked himself in the sittingroom downstairs

You have keys for children’s bedrooms and sitting rooms? I’m not even going to answer the other parts until I understand this part of the OP.

@AvidWasp Has it spot on.

‘Wrecked’? So he was drunk?

I would be looking at a divorce. There is no way I would tolerate anyone, let alone their father, screaming, shouting and swearing at my kids or me for any reason.
I just wouldn't allow it to happen. Screen time aside your h sounds a like a double standards bullying twat OP.

Page 2 I explained this. Hit view all and you will see all my replies.

Your husband approached the situation badly and needs to rethink his parenting skills, however.....
You have just completely undermined his authority and have shown your children that they can come to you in a hope of overturning their punishment. From my experience, you must stand united as parents otherwise your children will learn to play you off against each other.

No!! Wrecked means tired where I am from!!

You realise that your dh is becoming abusive?
I mean it might be adhd. But that’s a reason, not an excuse.

@Octavia64 had a very good post.
But you need to realise power play, abuse, controlling, bully, authoritarian, all of these exist on a scale. Theyre slightly different but describe a very similar situation. Someone who isn’t in control of themselves and try to control situations instead.

Your dd reaction is for me one of the most worrying in all of that. Your ds got angry - fair enpugh. But your dd felt she needed to protect her brother from her own father. She saw the situation and thought she had to step in. For her brother safety.

Has your dh calmed down now and is it possible to have a calm discussion with him?

Are you serious?
You think all day phone use and gaming is ok and does no harm?