DS escalating consequences given by DH

[ThaQuilomum]

Sorry this will be long.

DS age 15 is smart, kind and funny but too into screens. Does very well at school but needs to be told to study and sat on. His phone is controlled by us by Quostodio app so it is limited to approximately 2 to 3 hours per day. He is allowed to game at the weekend for 3 hours ish although it is often longer. If he was let, he would stay on screens all day long. During the summer, he can game some evenings also. He has a few jobs he does. Usually has to be reminded: feed the dog, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher. In July he was involved in gym project in the garage with the whole family - clearing out the garage, painting it and putting new gym equipment together. His best friend is abroad at the moment on an exchange. He looks forward to gaming with him in the evenings as there is a time difference. He socialises mainly online.

It is hard to get ds off Gaming. He recently started playing Rainbow Six Siege Where once you start playing you get peanlties and rank can be affected. But if given a warning to turn off once game is over he will come off. This can legitimately be in 30 mins though once the game finishes often the first team to reach 5. So in theory could be up to 9 rounds.

Dh and I had both previously agreed to give DS a fair warning to wrap up gaming sessions. But last night DH demanded he turn off the console instantly while ds was in the middle of a live match. Dh said it was in the loading screen. Ds said it was actually started.

The Escalation: Expecting an immediate shutdown within seconds I feel set ds up for instant failure. When he didn't comply instantly, dh stayed in the room giving out til the match was over. I was in bed having spent evening ferrying dd to activity and asked him to get ds off the game following what i know needs to be done in order to get ds off and over the high and dopamine hit of the game.

I woke to it conpletley escalated. Dh saying he was losing 45 minutes of gaming tomorrow. This went to no gaming tomorrow, to uninstalling the game and to taking the pc out of the house altgoether. Dh definitely eacalated things. Did not hold his boundary calmly. Said ds was harrassing and judging him ('what do you do all day' kind of comments from ds). He pointed out that dh spends hours and hours every day on his phone. Dh was shouting and in his face and ds was saying he was a bully and treats the girls differently and does not give the girls such punishments.

i tired to intervene and calm the situation down. There was no calming dh down who was getting bedroom keys to lock ds in and telling me to f off and slamming doors. Eventually dh locked himself in the sittingroom downstairs and went to sleep while I comforted ds and he cried himself to sleep.

I woke up to ds telling me dh had removed all his time from his phone which i feel is vindictive. Dh says he doesn't respect him and answers him back the whole time. Last night ds was cursing at dh which is extremely rare for him and he was so dysregulated I can see why although it is not right and it needs to be addressed in a calm way after the fact.

10 year old dd was awake during it and recognised the overreaction and stepped in to tell dh he was going too far. He shouted at her that she had no scream time tomorrow.

he is now not talking to me and dh I think. Seems to be talking to dds. How he is not ashamed of himself and reflecting on this is beyond me..

This happens about twice a month always with ds and I end up trying to support a reasonable consequence and have tried on calm days to explain to dh that he is 15 with a developing brain and his push back is normal teenage behaviour and he is actually a very sweet lovely boy. What would you do in this scenario. It is a constant source of conflict between us and tbh I make no apologies standing up for ds because I think the behaviour is so unfair. I just want consequences to be porportionate. I actually feel ds did nothing wrong initially and then lost it completely and didnt shower himself in glory. But how does dh align all that with thr fact he lost his shit and behaved really badly. Aibu to expect dh to be able to regulate himself and deal calmly with his son. He is a gamer himself which I think makes it worse he doesn't understand.

I agree in principle but I will never stand by where an adult is shouting in the face of a child and make absolutely no apolgies about it. I gentle called his name and said okay you've given the consequence leave it there etc. Not undermining but not standing by. And unashamedly so.

I think it's reasonable to have a games off curfew, because the chatter etc could disturb others in bed,. That's easier for him to follow than arbitrary time limits, if he knows it goes off at say 11 in the holidays, if another game is starting at five to he knows her didn't have time for it. There are different views around gaming, I certainly don't be letting ds play GTA at 11 like a PP but if it's his way of keeping in touch with a friend who is away and he's doing everything else that is expected of him, it's the holidays let him do what he wants a bit.
I would not be tolerating an adult man screaming, shouting , sweating, slamming and locking doors, especially as it sounds like a regular occurrence. It's seems he feels a need to assert dominance over his male child as he doesn't do it to his daughters, I wouldn't want to live with an ape.

I don't think OP needs to be a bullying twat like her h.
H needs to wind in it a bit considering he does similar. You couldn't pay me enough to satay with someone like this though who blows up the way he does.

I have a Victorian house with an old lock on every door and keys for some of them. It's an architectural feature, no big deal.

Problem us that locking a child in would be of great concern to social work and maybe even police if it were used to restrict access to food or bathroom.

This

at 15 I consider your restrictions on DS gaming and phone time far too strict- at this age they needs to have some control, learn how to regulate it themselves, be able to socialise with their friends which as you admit is now mainly online.

your DH is using it as a tool to control your DS and will lead to more and more confrontation as DS rebels against it. Your DH has to realise his word isn’t gospel and your DS is not a young boy anymore- just issuing rules and orders does not work with teens.

I also agree with your DS that your DH (and you?) are hypocrites if DH is on his phone all day - if you are so strict about phone use then you should be modelling that same behaviour. Is this true?

you needs to treat DS like the young adult he is becoming, he is not off the rails, is a lovely boy so reward him for that. trial giving him complete freedom with maybe a lights out rule by whatever time in the evening you want him to come off at and but let him know that if his usage is adversing affecting him in whatever way you want to measure it by then you will reinstate restrictions. Then you have removed the conflict pinch point.

This works well with my 15 yr old DS but have already pre negotiated that during GCSEs restrictions will be back in place.

Nah. That's utter bullshit.

If one parent is out of order, the other has every right to shut it down. At what point does authority become abuse?

You don't stand by while someone is bullying your child even if it is his dad.

Bloody Nora, what an abusive prick. That's no life for your kids, they'll be scarred for life. Why are you still with him?

I’m sorry but all posters who have said anything other than LTB are hugely underestimating the seriousness of this. He screams in your son’s face? Threatens to lock him up? Yells at a 10 year old? Locks himself away and sulks and then gives everyone the silent treatment? He’s an abuser, it will only get worse. Leave.

But gaming is bad! (sarcasm)

God just leave the poor boy alone. All these rules and regulations. Why can’t he just … game? Of course there has to be boundaries in place but honestly - do you have to be so prescriptive with a lad who is doing well in school, helping out at home and not causing any real bother?

your husband sounds hideous. I’d be overruling him, reinstating your son’s home / gaming time and coming up with some rules with hom. Involve him in it. What does he think is reasonable? What do you think is reasonable? Then meet in the middle

tell your husband he’s a total twat from me

Your husband is behaving like the teenager. At least your teenager has an excuse.
And to punish your lovely 10 year old for saying what she thought is terrible.
He is also wrong to demand respect when he isn't doing anything to deserve it
I don't know what you can do about it other than not leave him alone with the children but it must be exhausting for you and I sympathise

Your DS does not respect his father.
Your son clearly needs more boundaries. Clear boundaries on when not to start another game, etc etc
Im with the ones saying no matter the game, a child should listen if his parent is insistent on him turning off his game when it is that late.
Your son does sound addicted to gaming. Taking the game off him for a while sounds like the right thing for him to give him a reset.

You're standing by and letting it happen by living with this man.

@ThaQuilomum the micromanaging and the aggressive father are bad enough but you have locks on your Child's bedroom door? That is a huge safeguarding concern.

Your DH unnecessarily escalated the situation and the consequence of that is that you felt you had to step in and try and calm the situation. I would have done to.

Your son sounds very similar to my boys growing up - good kids that needed a fine balance between giving them freedom and letting them learn to make their own decisions and setting limits while they are learning to do this. At 15, in the school holidays, I would be less stringent about setting limits on their gaming. A few late nights won't do them any harm.

You need to have a serious conversation with your DH about controlling his temper or he's going to damage his relationship with his son, possibly irretrievably.

OP you say this happens about twice a month, what is the outcome of the escalating consequences? Does your dh relent or does he enforce them?

Is your husband his father? This is stepfather behaviour

His father doesn't deserve respect. You don't earn your childrens respect by being abusive,screaming and shouting,locking them in a room and then slamming about and sulking.

He'd already started the game, once the loading screen appears the game has started, the child did nothing wrong by following the previously agreed rules of ending game time at the end of the game he was told to end it in.

And addicted to gaming? Clear boundaries? This child is being suffocated by boundaries and rules, and a screaming abusive father, no wonder he needs to use gaming as a way to escape.

How do you feel about this grown man screaming in his son's face, threatening to lock him in his room, screaming at his 10 year old daughter, telling his wife to fuck off, and slamming doors?

This poor kid cried himself to sleep, and all you can do is say he needs boundaries? Utter bullshit.

I agree with this poster.
In my experience DHs & teen DS often clash at some point but yr DH hasn't come off very well and is BU.Yr DS is 15 and needs bit more trust put in him, sounds like a good kid and you are both monitoring him a bit too much. Everyone needs a big if freedom/space.

How to tell us all you’re not a gaming family without telling us you’re not a gaming family. Yes. You’re completely off base. Once a game has started you don’t leave. The DH sounds abusive, controlling and a complete hypocrite. OPs boy sounds like a lovely teenager who is being bullied by his dad.

Who on earth has locks on doors in their house? Why is the DH threatening to lock anyone in their bedroom? And then locking himself in a room downstairs?

The time a 15 year old spends gaming with his friends is time well spent. They’re socialising and having fun, what is wrong with that? IMHO the gaming is the least of this family’s problems. The DH needs to stop with his frankly abusive behaviour or leave.

Hello again OP,

Not sure if you missed my post, but if you get chance to reply to these questions it would give good context (to advise you further perhaps) about whether this is a pattern and how you are treated?