AIBU to have snuck through my husband's Gmail.....

[Kiki92]

A weird one. A random one.

My husband has a history of compulsive porn use. He was secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites while telling me he had a low sex drive and rarely wanting sex with me. He would also on and off again download dating apps, paying for the premium versions and scroll... Not chatting to anyone, just scrolling....

I found the truth out seven months ago. Since then, he's been to therapy, got rid of his smartphone for a while, and switched to a basic phone so he couldn't easily access apps. I've been in therapy too.

He's now gone back to using a smartphone, saying he needs it for banking and other everyday things. He's also stopped therapy because he says he can't afford it. For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account... He gets PISSED OFF whenever I mention anything about the past.

He's away this weekend. I logged onto the family computer to do a food shop and realised he'd left his Gmail account signed in. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. I know, terrible....

While I was looking, I found his Google Photos. There were a large number of photos of his penis that appear to have been taken recently, many of them seemingly at work. They weren't sent to me... He's also been paying for cam girls again. He tried to delete the automated email invoices, but missed a few...

In my head, he's sending dick pics to people... What else could it be? Really?

I obviously don't want to have the conversation over text when he's away.... But I'm upset. What do I do?! Right now, what do I do? I can't focus on anything. I was looking forward to the time alone, but I'm just so sad.

Leave him.

You should have already done so the first time you learned he was a porn addict and a liar. Men like that don't change as you found out.

Once you divorce he will also be made to contribute the right amount from his salary to support his family if you have kids together.

Ignore his nonsensical explanations/excuses and get on with planning your new life.

Normal men do not take dick pics so they can look at it and feel proud. You need to trust your gut with this one.

He’s addicted to porn, it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do to fix it. Real sex can’t cure him of his addiction and he’s cruel to suggest that. Unless he seeks treatment, his addiction will become even more degrading and potentially dangerous as he seeks out more, extreme material.

There are specialist support groups for partners affected. You can find them online. Do reach out to them and tell your good friends and family.

This is spot on. He has an addiction problem and now he's trying to minimise it and shift blame. This is classic addict behaviour. You can't change him. Most addicts need to hit rock bottom before (if) they change. He hasn't hit this yet
Sorry. As PP have suggested you need to probably make arrangements to leave. This won't be fixed quickly

Sorry OP but his answers are ridiculous. If my husband told me he took a photo of his d*ck because he was so proud of it I would find him pathetic and frankly it would’ve me the ick. As regards all his other answers he GASLIGHTING YOU. I’ve been through something similar, I don’t want to share details but it was very similar to your situation, he said he wasn’t sending the photos and hadn’t met up with anyone (both turned out to be lies) and blamed it on me not showing him enough sexual attention (I had just given birth to our child and had PND). Please respect yourself and get out of this relationship. I did, and I’m so much happier, married to a man who respects and loves me. And my ex went on to do the same things to 4 more women. They don’t change.

None of this is your fault. Him blaming you is another reason to leave.

A couple of times a month, on his terms. If I initiate I'm turned down. Every time.

£3.5k a month and contributes £700????
He sounds like a disgusting person. Do you have children? I dont think I could support someone like this anymore especially as he has not been honest or willing to go to therapy. You are worried that he will be cross you saw his gmail account and no doubt if you confront him he will try to make you feel the guilty one. You have to leave or insist he does.

Good idea from someone to print them off as evidence. If they were taken at work that surely must be a sackable offence. Id be using those as leverage to get him out of your house. If you dont want to forward them to your e mail either print or take photos with your phone.

Honestly what a load of bullshit! It's amazing what these men come out with and expect you to just accept it. He's insulting your intelligence OP. Don't give him the chance to bullshit you anymore, just make your plan and leave.

OP he is absolutely vile. You should be nowhere near the grubby fecker.

I hope you aren't buying any of his bullshit, you deserve better, you deserve a man who contributes equally in all ways to your relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually. He's not it, he's a liar and he's dragging you down. You can leave him and be happy.

Does he not understand how mirrors work? If he wants to admire himself, he just needs a mirror, not a photo…..

I’m being sarcastic because his explanation is clearly nonsense.

But even setting that aside, you found evidence that he’s paying for cam girls again….

I think the problem is that he’s lying, and clearly can’t be trusted to stop spaffing ££££ on porn and what’s effectively online prostitution unless his phone is physically taken away.

I think this shows what your life will be like OP, and it’s up to you whether you’re prepared to turn a blind eye. Because this isn’t ever going to stop or go away - it might do temporarily, but this proves that he will not only do it again behind your back, but he’ll lie about it when caught.

When you throw in the lack of financial contribution, and his attitude to having sex with you, it’s awful. You really deserve more than this, love.

I'd be getting sti testing done tomorrow

He is lying to you which is less forgivable than the actual addiction. He is treating you with contempt. Of course he can afford therapy - as you pointed out he is only contributing £700 out of £3500. I wouldn’t trust a word he says from now on.

If you have your own finances then there is no reason to hang around.

I can understand you staying after the first time he was caught, as everybody makes mistakes in life, but he has continued to repeat the same behaviour and appears to have no remorse. He is gaslighting you so you blame yourself for his behaviour and this will erode your trust in your own judgement.

trust your gut !

What a selfish prick in every sense.

What's that got to do with the OP's H's behaviour?

@Kiki92 you are going to leave right? Because this guy is a waste of your time

I would not be having the conversation, not yet.

I'd be getting together all the paperwork & evidence re our joint life, his spending on porn etc and then taking some legal advice.

Hes not going to change so it's time for you to take control and plan a different future.

@Kiki92 is your home rented or owned? Why does he only contribute 700 a month? How long have you been married ? Do you have dc?

Several pp have asked this, not sure if you've missed it, but the answers will help to advise you properly about what you can and can't do, and shines a light on his general behaviour as I'm assuming 700 is not half your monthly living costs? In which case, why are you subsidising his porn use?

He won't change; he'll just get better at hiding it.

If rented in your name, you can ask him to leave.