AIBU to have snuck through my husband's Gmail.....

[Kiki92]

A weird one. A random one.

My husband has a history of compulsive porn use. He was secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites while telling me he had a low sex drive and rarely wanting sex with me. He would also on and off again download dating apps, paying for the premium versions and scroll... Not chatting to anyone, just scrolling....

I found the truth out seven months ago. Since then, he's been to therapy, got rid of his smartphone for a while, and switched to a basic phone so he couldn't easily access apps. I've been in therapy too.

He's now gone back to using a smartphone, saying he needs it for banking and other everyday things. He's also stopped therapy because he says he can't afford it. For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account... He gets PISSED OFF whenever I mention anything about the past.

He's away this weekend. I logged onto the family computer to do a food shop and realised he'd left his Gmail account signed in. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. I know, terrible....

While I was looking, I found his Google Photos. There were a large number of photos of his penis that appear to have been taken recently, many of them seemingly at work. They weren't sent to me... He's also been paying for cam girls again. He tried to delete the automated email invoices, but missed a few...

In my head, he's sending dick pics to people... What else could it be? Really?

I obviously don't want to have the conversation over text when he's away.... But I'm upset. What do I do?! Right now, what do I do? I can't focus on anything. I was looking forward to the time alone, but I'm just so sad.

I'm struggling not to bring it up. He keeps messaging me whilst away, and I'm just in no place to say something civil.

I'm just not going to get any peace tonight if I don't say something.

All of my friends are busy. I'm home alone, climbing the walls.

The two of you aren’t the partnership you thought you were.

He values your loyalty very little, if at all.
All he cares about is his depraved addiction.

You have been disappointed for too long now OP. He is a risk to your good health and well being and you can’t let it continue.
You supported him in his quest to live a normal, decent and trusting life with you but his real (sordid) life is kept secret …and that’s no marriage at all.

You must no longer pretend that everything is OK. And I’m sorry that it’s an awful lot for you to take in….the realisation that all hope of a good future with him is gone.

You have to face the brutal fact that none of the hoping and trying and supporting was worth it as he was drawing you into ignoring the lie he was living. His secrets have tainted every part of your relationship until it is now eroded way past recovery,

But there is hope for you and your future without him.
You owe it to yourself now, to go through the separation process in order to protect yourself from more of his depravity. It was never a life you wanted and you have done your best to help him, to no avail.
It would be very foolish to spend a minute more on trying to love him out of his addiction. It’s impossible. He’s sick.

Yes it’s very sad but you will heal and come through this in time and be much better off.
Let him know it’s over. No drama.
‘Thank you but this is no life for me with you now I have seen the reality of your shameful and faithless secret sex life. All trust is gone. I can no longer help you and I deserve a thousand times better than anything you can possibly offer.’

Try to work out how best to move forward on your own. And try not to let him dump his feelings on you. You owe him nothing more at all now.

Doesn’t seem like it I’m sure, but you will be fine OP, once you are over this terrible shock. Take care of just yourself from now on.

All the talk of therapy and seeking help is clearly disingenuous. He probably is addicted to porn but he could make a real effort to actually beat it. Hrs got the money for professional help. Sorry but I think you have to get away from him and move on in your own life x

He gave up therapy because he isn't committed to change. His relationship with you wasn't important enough for him to invest money and hard work.

You accessed his emails because you don't trust him. Your suspicions were confirmed.

There doesn't seem to be much to discuss.

Reminds me of my first relationship. Its never going to get better and suddenly they will just have someone else already lined up because they were cheating all along.

I think it's remarkable that you forgave him the first time round. Why did you, by the way? What was there left to love and cherish, after you found out that he was spending money on cam girls and downloading dating sites.... I don't get it.
This latest transgression would be absolutely the last straw for me. I'm surprised you can have any feelings left for him, and also why are you justifying your own behaviour, which is totally understandable?

Where does he say he is this weekend OP?

Focus on yourself. Don’t worry about replying to him.

Do you have children? Is your home yours, his or joint?

If it is yours change the locks and just tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live when he gets home. If it is his then pack your stuff and get gone.

You can never trust him again - you already knew that when you went through his emails.

He's not going to change OP.

You either stay with him and accept that he likes taking photos of his dick for whatever reason, or you leave.

So don't. Switch your phone off. Tell him
later that you dropped it in the bath/loo.

In the meantime, get on the computer and find yourself a local matrimonial solicitor, research the financial implications of divorce and download to a memory stick as much evidence of his antics, and all the relevant paperwork for your joint finances. If you have younger kids, check out entitledto.com and the CSA websites to see what you can claim
financially.

I'm all for giving people a chance but there is no way you can carry on in this marriage without harming yourself in the process.

Why do people say to change the locks? If they are married then she has no right to do this.

I'm sorry this has happened OP.

From reading your post it seems you - very compassionately - went all in on treating it as an addiction, relapses etc.

It might be worth finding your anger. Fuck this "addiction" - he's addicted to what? Using women. Being a sleazy, deceitful wanker. Literally. I'm angry on your behalf.

Break ups are never easy, but you deserve way more than this.

fuck this site. "you should divorce him". women are their own worst enemy.

Should she stay with someone who lies and cheats, and has already been given a second chance? Why?

He’s sending disgusting dick picks to women he wants to fuck.

What would you tell your friend or daughter to do if she were you?

Make a dummy account on Fabswingers and look for him on there. Very very likely he's on there. It's a beacon for sleazy men.

Just mute his number for now and don't reply.

OP you have given him too many chances and he just keeps going behind your back. He is not going to stop because he doesn't want to stop. He is sending pictures of his penis to women. What will it take for you to say this relationship is over?? Is this what you want your life to be, periodically catching him out, being devastated, listening to his false promises and apologies and then waiting for the next time?

You want to know what you should do now? Start making plans to leave him, get your financial documents together and think about what you want your life to be. You deserve better than this. You deserve a relationship with someone who wants you, just you and you can have a normal sex life with.

You've been forgiving and you've wanted to support him and where has it got you? It's time to stop this and take your life back.

Sorry @Kiki92 I think you should spend the time he's away getting your ducks in a row. Its not even the dick pics and cam girls for me it's the fact he doesn't tell you the truth therefore there's no trust. You will forever be watching, checking, doubting and who's to say it doesn't turn into meeting and potentially paying these women when just looking/messaging isn't enough.

I understand the need to say something now you know but if you can I'd keep quiet until you've had a chance to get your exit plan in place. Without trust there is no relationship and whilst only you can decide if this is it for you I would strongly urge you to read all the stories on here about the ones that didn't walk away and how their lives are now as a result. Then go and read the stories on here of the ones that did walk and how their lives are now. Yes there will be some anomalies but you'll find the majority who stayed = small lives, no peace, no self esteem, miserable and the ones who left = big lives, happy, content, at peace.

For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account.

Does he pay bills on top of this?

How much do you contribute to the joint account/household bills?

You sound like you have way bigger problems than his porn addiction.

I hope this doesn't sound snarky but you're essentially signing yourself up for a lifetime of this by staying with him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life searching his socials and emails in case he's doing it again? That sounds exhausting to me.

You're not more important to him than porn. Than dating apps. Than sending dick pics. You're willing to sacrifice so much to stand by him, and he just doesn't care. And he's casually lying to you.

I cannot think of a single man alive who's worth living that way.

Yeah, that jumped out to me - how is that nearly enough? He earns plenty!

Do you have kids?

I do. When solicited as part of a larger sexting conversation. I have recently been harassed with them by an idiot who could not take a hint though and it was pretty upsetting tbh.

The reason he goes off when you bring up anything unsavoury is became it reminds him of what he’s still up and doesn’t allow him to dissociate from his bad behaviour. He feels guilty because he knows he’s guilty so he acts up.