AIBU to have snuck through my husband's Gmail.....

[Kiki92]

A weird one. A random one.

My husband has a history of compulsive porn use. He was secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites while telling me he had a low sex drive and rarely wanting sex with me. He would also on and off again download dating apps, paying for the premium versions and scroll... Not chatting to anyone, just scrolling....

I found the truth out seven months ago. Since then, he's been to therapy, got rid of his smartphone for a while, and switched to a basic phone so he couldn't easily access apps. I've been in therapy too.

He's now gone back to using a smartphone, saying he needs it for banking and other everyday things. He's also stopped therapy because he says he can't afford it. For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account... He gets PISSED OFF whenever I mention anything about the past.

He's away this weekend. I logged onto the family computer to do a food shop and realised he'd left his Gmail account signed in. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. I know, terrible....

While I was looking, I found his Google Photos. There were a large number of photos of his penis that appear to have been taken recently, many of them seemingly at work. They weren't sent to me... He's also been paying for cam girls again. He tried to delete the automated email invoices, but missed a few...

In my head, he's sending dick pics to people... What else could it be? Really?

I obviously don't want to have the conversation over text when he's away.... But I'm upset. What do I do?! Right now, what do I do? I can't focus on anything. I was looking forward to the time alone, but I'm just so sad.

He's not worth your tears, your love or your attention. He's a sleeze, leaving him now maybe feels hard but find your righteous anger.

Jeez. What goes through the minds of men who think anyone wants to see a picture of their dick? Are they thick?

Op - why are you not running for the hills now? He’s a low life who disrespects you. Is this really what you dream of in a relationship? A sleazy liar? Ugh.

I think YABU for not having ditched the toe-rag already.

Are the photos recent, or from the previous period?

This is who he is.
Plenty of men are the same.
If he isn't harming anyone online, they are all over 18, then it isn't a problem.

But
You need to decide if it is a problem for you.
Are you ok to just leave him to it?
Or do you find it so appalling, you want to end the relationship.
Only you can decide which, and no judgement should come either way.

Plenty of women turn a blind eye.
Plenty of women up and leave.

You deserve better. I wouldn't mind if he was generous and contributed loads and spoiled you rotten (not that is any real consolation because you can't trust him, there is no upside here). He does the bare minimum - he's taking advantage of how "understanding" you are. Get rid and get a divorce.

If ‘he doesn’t tell you the truth unless he is caught out’. Then he is definitely going to continue lying and what you caught him out on will be the tip of the iceberg.

He is just going to try harder to hide the evidence from now on.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. The lying goes hand in hand with the addiction.
Also, why only £700 - surely 50% of the household bills must be more than that. Why are you letting him pay in so little?

On Mumsnet, people often say 'dump your partner' over minor issues. But in your case, he crossed the line. I doubt anyone would tell you to stay.

Whilst he is clearly a scumbag, I'm not sure having Telegram should be used as an indicator of being one. Plenty of people who want to avoid Meta's privacy issues use it as an alternative to WhatsApp. I have an account and at least half my contacts do too. It's also incredibly easy to hide chats and photos on WhatsApp so they are completely invisible unless you know a password, and most phones have a secure folder by default, so additional apps really aren't necessary.

😂

Leave him..asap. you will be ok and happier in the long run. No one should have to put up with this shit and you know you deserve so much better. X

Oh dear OP. You have given him the benefit of the doubt and he has repaid you by relapsing.
You now need to get all your ducks in a row. Do your due diligence in terms of financial planning, for the short terms and long term. Get important papers and documents (kids passports, birth certs etc) put in a safe place, ideally not your own house.

Consider:
*opening a bank account in your sole name if you don't already have one.
*changing passwords on your personal email and cloud storage (not shared accounts).
*backing up important personal photos and documents.
*ensuring you have access to essential medications and personal belongings.
*having a safe place to stay if you expect the situation to escalate.
*removing location sharing if this is enabled (and check for AirTags)

"why only £700?" He doesn't have any money left after paying for the cam sites.
"He is secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites". 😞

You should have left long ago OP, why are you even entertaining this nonsense?

Why are people calling this 'relapsing'? It's just bollocks. No one is addicted to sending dick pics, he's just a liar and a cheat - lets not try to make it into some sort of illness that the poor chap can't possibly help.

Given his history he is more than likely using it for that. If he was using it to avoid meta then surely this would be something the OP would be aware of?

I assumed money would be sent in at the start of the
month. If my ex had only 700 out of 3500 at the end of the month I would definitely want to know why and where it all went. Whereas if he is only paying 700 at the start of the month because that’s what they agreed, then that is different?
Still doesn’t answer why he is contributing such a small amount.

Get some advice on Monday. You need to know where you stand legally and financially, even if you do decide to stay with him for the time being.

With regard to the reply of what Telegram is, there is also lots of 'normal' chat stuff on there too, totally innocent stuff. People I know use it for work!!!

I think you'll find that it's normally men who are women's worst enemy.

Also its light content moderation and strong privacy features have made it a major refuge for right-wing groups and extremist movements.

As i said, he definitely is being dodgy, and I'm sure he probably is using various methods of doing so including Telegram. I'm just also saying that having Telegram isn't the gotcha the post I replied to seemed to imply. I couldn't give a stuff about Meta but i have Telegram to talk to a couple of people that do care, and I've never discussed that with my partner, why would I?

He contributes a measly £700, so he has enough money left for cam sites. So, not only does he frequent those platforms, he prioritizes spending the money on them and not on his family. What a creep!

YANBU for searching or realising things are not going to change.
You’ve got to ask yourself …. am I able to live with this man and his severe porn addiction?
Personally I couldn’t after finding all this out the first time, never mind after therapy etc.

This is one of those threads that I read and I just think what is the point? I’m all for working through issues in relationships, but what is this relationship bringing to your life? You’ve given him one chance, he’s at it again. What are his good points?

Ugh, so sorry to hear someone else is going through the identical thing I am (gambling, alcohol rlapse and come to find out an attempted fling..but its all still the same underlying issue), as of Wednesday. Thats a whole other post with several issues to contend with though.

Its crushing and demoralizing and you feel like "why wasnt I enough"...but its not you, its him. And its seems as though he is unwilling to change so as everyone else has said, its time to part ways. Just not worth wasting time on someone who doesnt appreciate you. The older you get you get if you stayed you would likely look back and regret wasting time with someone who continually makes you feel undesired and unattractive when soooo many others out there would treat you how you deserve to be treated...or you will do that for yourself without being bogged down by his bs. Bet after the dust settles he'll realize he's left with some hefty bills and his own overworked hand and not much else...while you'll have happily moved on. Easier said than done though...and thats coming from someone 17yrs in and 1 day out from poo hitting the fan. ((Hugs))

Why?