AIBU to have snuck through my husband's Gmail.....

[Kiki92]

A weird one. A random one.

My husband has a history of compulsive porn use. He was secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites while telling me he had a low sex drive and rarely wanting sex with me. He would also on and off again download dating apps, paying for the premium versions and scroll... Not chatting to anyone, just scrolling....

I found the truth out seven months ago. Since then, he's been to therapy, got rid of his smartphone for a while, and switched to a basic phone so he couldn't easily access apps. I've been in therapy too.

He's now gone back to using a smartphone, saying he needs it for banking and other everyday things. He's also stopped therapy because he says he can't afford it. For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account... He gets PISSED OFF whenever I mention anything about the past.

He's away this weekend. I logged onto the family computer to do a food shop and realised he'd left his Gmail account signed in. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. I know, terrible....

While I was looking, I found his Google Photos. There were a large number of photos of his penis that appear to have been taken recently, many of them seemingly at work. They weren't sent to me... He's also been paying for cam girls again. He tried to delete the automated email invoices, but missed a few...

In my head, he's sending dick pics to people... What else could it be? Really?

I obviously don't want to have the conversation over text when he's away.... But I'm upset. What do I do?! Right now, what do I do? I can't focus on anything. I was looking forward to the time alone, but I'm just so sad.

He's enjoying the kick too much now.

Keeping it secret from you adds to the thrills he's feeling.

I've DM'd you.

All the best

This is who he is and it’s not going to change. You deserve better than this.

Jesus Christ Fred! Don't mince your words at OPs expense!

It's not her fault he's a porn hound.

Leave him or accept this is how he is. You can’t change him.

I know how hard it can be to accept the truth. À fog of habit, hope, fear, familiarity, can leave us confused. Clarity is your friend in such situations.

By the time someone posts on here, I think they already know what they truly feel.

What a gross man. What would you gain from staying with him? How can that be an attractive option for you?

Don’t say anything and get to a solicitor. I’d have the ick so bad but he’s also a tight arse. £700 a month? What a joke.

I'm not sure why you are questioning yourself and accepting this sort of behavior. I honestly don't think all problems/failures/weaknesses are equal when it comes to supporting/accepting from your partner. A porn addiction is really not something I would be supporting him with getting over. Life is too short. Surely you know you deserve better.

You ask what you should do right now. If I were you, I’d be calling a friend to arrange a meet up. Confide in the friend. Get them to help you make a plan for your separation.

then when he returns home, coldly tell him the marriage is over. And tell him why.

actually, I forgot to suggest your first task should be to take screenshots of the receipts, pics etc. which others have already mentioned.

Deep down, you know that this is the rest of your life if you stay.

You need to leave him now. Enough is enough

What you should do now is accept that he isn’t the partner that you want, or need.

let go of him.

once you let go, you’ll know what to do. You’ll be free of the burden of trying to fix what’s broke.

It's hopeless, OP, I'm sorry. Setting a lot of equally important things aside, that's an ENORMOUS amount he's invested into something that should be of no special interest to him. This kind of obsession will find always an outlet somewhere.

If I were you I would drop the 'sex addict' explaination. It's serving no one but him. He's not an addict, he's an entitled abuser. Look up Dr Omar Minwalla on integrity abuse/the secret sexual basement and what Lundy Bancroft says about porn addicts.

I spent 2 years dating a guy like this. Chances are he never stopped, they just can't go cold turkey from these things, therapy was never going to be an instant fix, he just found better ways to hide/source it, a second phone, hidden apps on his phone - the calculator app being a common one, though there's others if he knows you know about that one, telegram, even reddit. Assuming if he transfers money into your joint account his salary gets paid into another account - the transaction history on that one will be interesting.

I should have left when I first found out but now I have no self esteem and severe mental health issues as a result.

He has telegram.... What is it?

Get some legal and financial advice on separationn/ divorce. Arm yourself with the options and think about what life would look.like without him in it regularly. If you can afford it, you need to call time on this sham arrangement..He has major problems with respect and honesty and he will drag you under if you don't tackle it.

Do you think he might be gay but in denial? .

You're married to a lying penis photo taking stingy piece of shit. Gather evidence and leave, chuck him out, one or the other. There's no point talking to him about it, he's a cheat. My EX could look me in the eyes and swear on his mother's life that night was day and vice versa, no point talking to someone like that. You deserve better, he's a waste of time. You only have one life don't waste it with him. Good luck

I'm curious does anyone here like receiving dick pics?
Really don't know why men do it, it's such a turn off to me.
But yanbu he sounds disgusting.

Op, with love - why are you with him? What is he bringing to the relationship or to you?

It looks like nothing, sure he costs more than £700 a month to keep. It’s not sex. He is lying to you repeatedly. It’s not love, well not from his side. People don’t treat people they love this way, and certainly not repeatedly.

Does he have some sort of magic personality or is it something else that is stopping you from ending it?

It's an anonymous encrypted messaging app, full of porn communities, cam girls, voyeurs, and the likes.

If you can, open it, it will tell you everything you need to know.

The minute you choose to look through someone’s personal info is confirmation that you don’t have a relationship.

Although snooping is one of those pesky irregular verbs:

I gather information
You snoop
He is controlling
She is justified…

You are wasting your energy trying to catch him out. He’s revolting. Just dump him. I’m sure you will be much happier.

OP YANBU. He betrayed your trust so it’s understandable you wanted to double check he wasn’t up to anything.

Painful for you but as the old saying goes fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

By that I mean not sure how you can ever trust him again. He has a sex/porn addiction and you’ve already done more than most would. Just not sure 3rd chances are an option as it’s clear he’ll just go to greater lengths to conceal it.

Well done for not confronting until he’s home. Can you at least go low contact until then? Rather than pretending all ok, no harm him knowing you are not happy.

I’m just so sorry. What a sleaze.