AIBU to have snuck through my husband's Gmail.....

[Kiki92]

A weird one. A random one.

My husband has a history of compulsive porn use. He was secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites while telling me he had a low sex drive and rarely wanting sex with me. He would also on and off again download dating apps, paying for the premium versions and scroll... Not chatting to anyone, just scrolling....

I found the truth out seven months ago. Since then, he's been to therapy, got rid of his smartphone for a while, and switched to a basic phone so he couldn't easily access apps. I've been in therapy too.

He's now gone back to using a smartphone, saying he needs it for banking and other everyday things. He's also stopped therapy because he says he can't afford it. For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account... He gets PISSED OFF whenever I mention anything about the past.

He's away this weekend. I logged onto the family computer to do a food shop and realised he'd left his Gmail account signed in. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. I know, terrible....

While I was looking, I found his Google Photos. There were a large number of photos of his penis that appear to have been taken recently, many of them seemingly at work. They weren't sent to me... He's also been paying for cam girls again. He tried to delete the automated email invoices, but missed a few...

In my head, he's sending dick pics to people... What else could it be? Really?

I obviously don't want to have the conversation over text when he's away.... But I'm upset. What do I do?! Right now, what do I do? I can't focus on anything. I was looking forward to the time alone, but I'm just so sad.

What’s your advice then?

Take screenshots of everything you have found on your husband's email account. Use the time your husband is away to gather as much financial documentation as you can.

As hard as it is, you need to play your cards close to your chest. Say nothing. Find a good solicitor and seek legal advice, to find out where you stand regarding a divorce.

Your husband has an addiction. Addicts lie, they manipulate and they will promise the earth. Ultimately, you can't fix your husband. Unfortunately, this horrible cycle will just keep continuing, he will lie, you'll find out, you will feel disappointed, he'll make promises, he'll lie again...on and on it will go.

Once you have legal advice, start divorce proceedings. Your husband isn't going to change.

If you're looking at your partner's stuff, there is an issue whether or not there was anything to find.

I’d be changing the fucking locks whilst he’s away, the repulsive piece of shit

This guy has real issues OP.

You need to ask yourself if he is really bringing positivity into your life.

I'm thinking you don't have dc?

This isn't uncommon unfortunately. Maybe a chat on the phone. I can tell you, two things: 1. No one on here can tell you what's right for you. Enough power has been taken from you already. And 2. If he isn't willing to be an open bookliterally sharing his phone and all apps with youfor a bit, bringing up uncomfortable slips, etc I don't see a way forward. I would be reluctant to event treat you (I'm a therapist) as a couple. He stopped therapy and that tells a LOT about motivation. He has no real motivation to stop, so you either have to find a way to come to terms, or find a better existence. No one can say which is right for you though. Also everyone says they know what they would do, but they don't. They have no clue how strong the pull of love an attachment are.

Yeah you have to leave. He is using money that should give you guys a good life on someone he will never meet. It’s no better than if he gambled or snorted it all away.

Telegram is a messaging app, like WhatsApp…I feel like I only ever hear about it when it is someone cheating or sneaking around though.

Get photos of everything you find on there though before he deletes it

I doubt he is going to change and even if you did, I suspect you wouldn't believe it anyway now.

Do you really want to spend your life worried and living like this? You will lose all sense of self and self-worth. No woman (or man) should live like this because of the shit behaviour by the very person who is supposed to love them.

Obviously he’s sending them to someone OP .
You guys have no sex life either , yet he’s sexting another woman , maybe meeting with others ,you have no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️.
However you do know you can’t trust him.
I know it’s shit now , but I’d rather be on my own than being with him & feeling like crap all the time .
You need to get out of it before you can see it for what it is .

This might seem harsh but why on earth are u putting up with this.... Leave him. In a few months time u will look back and wish you left the 1st time. Do not waste any more time on this relationship. He won't change..... Cry grieve let it all out and move on 💝

@AlexStocks

Who pays premium on a dating app to just… scroll?

Youre in so much denial that you’re seeing divk pics and looking for some altruistic reason why he would have them. OF COURSE he’s sending them to people.

come out of the fog. Ltb

Exactly this! Well written post.

I'd be filing for divorce. He's pissing money away on a porn habit and lying to you about it. It's affecting your marriage in multiple ways.

Why are you putting up with this?! Get rid.

LTB

If you can't think straight. Don't answer him.

Instead . Follow the money.
If he's only contributing £700 a month out of a £3,500 monthly salary - where is the rest of the money going?

I don't know your finances but it sounds like you must be subsidising him... if that is the case, he is making YOU pay towards his porn addiction.

Or at the very least, money which should be going towards building a future and a better life for your family is being frittered away on garbage. You are paying the price for this. If you have children, every pound he spends on porn etc is a pound taken away from your children's comfort and education.
It is both theft and cheating.

He is away. You have access to the computer. Copy, store and download as much financial information and emails as you can.
Change your own passwords... I think a pp earlier suggested setting up your own solo bank account.
If you are in the UK check out Experian or similar to see what is going on with your credit rating and his because it is likely that he has run up debts.

Gather up important paper work, birth certs, passports etc.. and store it somewhere safe.

Then at least you will have a fuller picture so you can find out what your options are and get proper advice.

Sorry op, You are probably in a state of shock, but this is a good opportunity to find out what you can whilst he is away.

Moving away from the language of therapists, this is very obviously what he's doing. I'm so sorry OP. This is a wretched time for you.

I mean, what conversation is there to have at this point? He's not a delicate, misunderstood and confused little flower that has somehow been gripped by the nasty ol' porny internet stuff. He's been seeking it out for years - and is still doing so - because he wants to.

If you want another few decades of him whining about his poor little broken self and his not-his-own-fault porn addiction, while you get sadder and sadder about what life might have held for you, then do nothing. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I mean it. He's being so fantastically selfish and self-indulgent, at the cost of your happiness, security and peace of mind. That's not love. It's nothing like it.

In the meantime, get on the computer and find yourself a local matrimonial solicitor, research the financial implications of divorce and download to a memory stick as much evidence of his antics, and all the relevant paperwork for your joint finances. If you have younger kids, check out entitledto.com and the CSA websites to see what you can claim financially

To direct the distress you'll be feeling, focus on this sound advice from a pp. Good luck, OP.

Checking his internet history is what you’ve been driven to. It’s not your fault.

This is going to be neverending. Unless you particularly want to put up with a lifetime of this - and no offence, but no sane person would - then I would leave.

Best of luck, OP. We only get one life and you deserve so much better.

I was in a 5 year relationship (and eventually a called off engagement), with someone I met on an MSN chatroom in the early 2000s. Just to stress this was not one of the dodgy rooms, just a chat room aimed at people in their 20s. I was technically 19 at the time but wanted to chat to others a little more mature. I got chatting to him as he was the only one to message and say hello, instead of ASL - which I subsequently found out meant age, sex, location!

Early on in the relationship he revealed he’d dabbled with some dating sites and even swinger sites, and as a result had met up with a number of women for sex on a fairly casual basis. He told me he’d had now come off those sites as we were becoming more serious.

Fast forward 5 years down the line. We had got engaged 18 months earlier, but being honest with myself, I’d said yes because I knew a rejection would not be something that the relationship could recover from and, admittedly selfishly, I wasn’t ready to be alone. In the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t happy and was deliberately delaying making any solid wedding plans to buy me time.

Then I went on a 6 week work trip to India and met another company colleague from a different office for the first time on a downtime trip to Jaipur for 2 days. The attraction was instant, palpable and electric and that first evening we kept getting drawn back towards each other. The conversation was flowing, funny, some similar interests to discuss. It just felt natural and so easy. Nothing at all physical/ sexual happened that weekend, but the fact a big part of me really kind of wanted it to, I knew right then that I needed to break things off the moment I go back home.

Which I did. It was hard and sad and emotional but we agreed to try and stay civil whilst the lease was running out. So I largely moved out to my parents but continued paying half the bills. I also occasionally would work from the house if I didn’t need to go into the office and needed a quiet space. A few months of this working fine went by. He tried a couple of conversations about should we try again, why are we throwing it away, but I was clear I didn’t want to reconcile.

Then one day I was working at the house and wanted to order a bra but, for some reason, the La Senza website was locked down on my works laptop. I remembered my ex had a personal laptop at home so thought, I’ll just jump on that quickly. Opened up the search browser and started typing when the menu bar dropped down with about 6/7 websites which were clearly a mix of dating sites, hook up sites, swinger sites and, most surprisingly, a gay hook up site! Needless to say I then went through that computer with a fine tooth comb and discovered not only had he already had some liaisons with some women, he’d messaged some men as ‘curious’ and had taken loads of naked and dick pics in the bedroom of our current house and our previous flat!

So all of this had been going back years and I’d been oblivious. I’m thankful the relationship was already over but that guaranteed no reconciliation. I did confront him and he made a lot of excuses, but ultimately calling that off and walking away was the best decision I made.

You deserve better. Find the strength and leave. x

The update....

I have everything screen shot. I've been doing this since the start. I have my own finances anyway.

I spoke to him... He explained the pic as: "It’s a male pride thing, sometimes I take a pic of it and think 'it looks impressive, I’ve done that.'.

Apparently I need to stop assuming the worst.. Apparently I was wrong to snoop.
Apparently the issue is our sex life.
He "wishes we were on the same page sex wise".
He still maintains that he can't afford therapy.

He's told me categorically that the porn addiction isn't my fault... But then made other points to suggest it is.

I would send him one of his dick pics, and say "OMG someone from your work just sent me a dick pic! I've e-mailed the HR department to complain".

Just seen the update, ignore me. No one takes a photo of their own dick to look at. In work time too? He must think you're zipped up the back. When did you last take a photo (or several) or your vagina, just to admire it, and call it impressive? Jeez, he thinks you're a fool.

Are you not intimate then? I mean, that's not great if so.