AIBU to have snuck through my husband's Gmail.....

[Kiki92]

A weird one. A random one.

My husband has a history of compulsive porn use. He was secretly spending hundreds of pounds a month on cam sites while telling me he had a low sex drive and rarely wanting sex with me. He would also on and off again download dating apps, paying for the premium versions and scroll... Not chatting to anyone, just scrolling....

I found the truth out seven months ago. Since then, he's been to therapy, got rid of his smartphone for a while, and switched to a basic phone so he couldn't easily access apps. I've been in therapy too.

He's now gone back to using a smartphone, saying he needs it for banking and other everyday things. He's also stopped therapy because he says he can't afford it. For context, he earns around £3.5k a month and contributes £700 to our joint account... He gets PISSED OFF whenever I mention anything about the past.

He's away this weekend. I logged onto the family computer to do a food shop and realised he'd left his Gmail account signed in. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did. I know, terrible....

While I was looking, I found his Google Photos. There were a large number of photos of his penis that appear to have been taken recently, many of them seemingly at work. They weren't sent to me... He's also been paying for cam girls again. He tried to delete the automated email invoices, but missed a few...

In my head, he's sending dick pics to people... What else could it be? Really?

I obviously don't want to have the conversation over text when he's away.... But I'm upset. What do I do?! Right now, what do I do? I can't focus on anything. I was looking forward to the time alone, but I'm just so sad.

Just leave for goodness sake - is this seriously what you want for the rest of your life?! Know your worth.

“My husband has a history of compulsive porn use.” This should have been enough for you to put him in the bin

This ^^

How you're feeling now is as good as it gets I'm afraid. If it's not the life you want then you need to bin him because he will never change.

I'd have left him the first time. Why did you accept there'd be "relapses and slip-ups"? Is this what you want from a relationship? I think it's pretty clear what you do next. You pack your bags - or his. If he can afford cam girls, he can afford therapy. He doesn't want you to "support him through it" and he doesn't want to change. Cut your losses and leave. You can't fix this.

With his history the only realistic chance to rebuild trust, if you both agreed to do it, would probably have been to continue therapy as long as it took and for him to be completely transparent with you including showing you his devices upon request or giving you access to them. Yes, this would normally be a violation of his privacy but it is something therapists will normally recommend if not require as part of the process of rebuilding trust that has been totally shattered by the unilateral actions of one partner. So don't get hung up on the fact that it was "wrong" to check his mobile without his explicit consent (even knowing that he would not give consent and would likely have verbally attacked you for asking) - objectively it might have been, but it is fortunate that you did.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like the commitment was ever there from him that would have let the process of the therapy and rebuilding trust work. And if it's still important to you to fairly evaluate what you did find when you looked - if YOU were someone with his history and genuinely wanted to change and to save your marriage that has been almost destroyed by your activities around porn, would YOU take hundreds of pictures of your penis and store them on your phone as soon as you received it, even if you didn't send them to anyone? Would that be a healthy thing to do that would contribute to your recovery and strengthen your marriage? Probably not.

He doesn’t want to change op, and isn’t going to. You know this. You need to get out now. I’m really sorry you are going through this - don’t make it worse by staying.

You say you were prepared for relapses and slip ups. If you ask him… how have you been? Have you been thinking about using those sites since quitting therapy? That will give him an opportunity to be honest.

If he lies to you at that point, I suppose then you know.

Don't try to deal with it long-distance. Use this space to vent and think.

What is your ideal outcome from this situation? What is the likelihood of that ideal outcome?

He is an addict. He does what he does because it makes him feel good and probably nothing else makes him feel as good. Addictions are hard things to break. He's already tried once and failed. It's not looking optimistic. Generally addictions tend to accelerate.

How many times are you prepared to support him while he tries to break his addiction?
If you were the one addicted, how far would he go for you?
Do you still love him?
Do you still respect him?
What kind of life do you want in the future? Realistically, is this a life you can have with him? Would a life without him be worse or better than this life you have right now with him, lies, porn addiction and all?

If he can't break his addiction, what will you do?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Knowing the answers in your own mind will help you make a plan.

I've asked him many times... I always get the same. "I've not used them. I've thought about it, but I'm proud of myself and haven't done anything."
He doesn't tell me the truth unless I catch him out.

Perhaps you like him, enjoy his company. That’s fine. But he’s not suitable as a romantic or sexual partner, that part has failed. By keeping it private, he has proved he doesn’t want you to be part of his sex life.
admit you aren’t wanted, you are excluded.
he barely even gives you any of his money, let alone his intimate energy.

you’re à poorly paid friend.

Hes a compulsive cheater.. thats ok or its not

Well done on giving it a go, and trying to work at it together.

However, he’s not kept his side of the bargain, and has even lied to face.

You can't trust him OP, he's a dirty cheat please leave him. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Well, OP, you will always be able to say you tried but where do you go from here?
It is highly unlikely he will change and highly unlikely he will ever be honest with you - as you say, unless you find him out.
None of this leads to long-term happiness for you I'm afraid, you will always doubt he is telling you the truth, never mind what he is actually up to, and in the end this will erode your self-respect and self-confidence to such a degree that you will finish up thoroughly miserable and wasting your life on this loser.
It seems you've invested a lot in this relationship but now is the time to bail out sadly.
Spend the time he is away sorting your finances, your plans for the future and so on. And then when he comes back and starts grovelling you will be beyond the stage where you may once have believed his good intentions.
Leopards don't change their spots, what a low-life he is. So sorry.

Maybe if you can, don't tell him you know and work on your exit plan....sorry he's such a let down x

Sorry, I got distracted by the fact he only pays £700 into the joint account when he earns that much. How much is agreed individual 'fun money'?

Anyway, it's clear you had an inkling. Time to leave. I'm sorry - you deserve better.

That’s really disappointing for you, doesn’t sound like he can really change. Think it’s either accept him for who he is or 👋! Contributing only £700 from 3.5k , I just struggle with that more, it’s almost verging on financial abuse.

This is where we are at. Men doing stuff like this.

Mindbogglingly pathetic

I’d have packed his bags the first time. Don’t put up with this shit from him, he betrayed your trust the first time, you chose to give him a second chance and he’s done it again, personally he wouldn’t have been back in my bed after the first time. If you stay with him he’ll continually lie to you. Make yourself top priority, get rid of him and live a life without always wondering if he’s sending dick pics to people, he’s a repulsive little man. Frankly I wouldn’t give a shit if he was away or not, his stuff would be packed ready to collect on his return.

Glad it wasn't just me😂

I'd do one of two things, depending on who owns the house.

1. I'd pack and leave while he's away. OR
2. I'd pack up his stuff, dump it outside when he's due home and make sure I'd changed the locks.

Because if you don't do 1 or 2, your life will be 3.

3. He'll continue gaslighting you and wrecking your self esteem until you're too weak to leave.

Obviously he has taken photos to send to the women he intends to have sex with

You need to raise your game

Get rid

Well now you know - he's not going to stop, therapy won't work, and he'll never be honest with you.

In all honesty he’s not going to change. It doesn’t sound like you are getting much out of this marriage. Are there kids involved? I think for your own sanity you need to split.

I don’t want to sound like I’m just sticking the boot in here but you’ve been so naive (understandably!!) in believing he was ‘just scrolling’. I’d bet any amount of money that you’re painfully wrong there. He’s a complete waste of space, the rank sleazebag. You’d be so much better off without him.