To want to tell my kids to fuck off

[allwrongnow]

Dd2(3) destroyed DD1(6)s Lego. Tried to put DD2 in a time out; of course she won’t stay so she’s in her room with me on one side of the door holding it closed while she screams the place down and DD1 follows me bellowing and ranting about the injustice of it so two kids screaming their heads off at me while I’m holding door closed.

I didn’t but I wanted to tell them both to fuck off. (I have never done this out loud but Jesus it’s tempting.)

Yes, I know I probably did it all wrong and no MNetters would have such chaos but that’s not my life I’m afraid.

Made me laugh too!

I’m sure you’re a brilliant Mum, OP.

I’m childfree and could never deal with stuff like that 🩷

All of this. From a fellow chronic people pleaser.

Nothing wrong with having a shit day every now and again. But if it's daily then it's a problem for all of you. For sure you're exhausted. And now you are saying that you "properly lost it" which is worrying.
If you are saying/thinking that you hate your little one, even internally, she will pick up on that and act up. I know it's of little comfort to say this is just a phase, but it is.... she will grow out of it eventually. Don't hate her xxx
My kids are 3yrs apart and my elder daughter didn't really have toys for her age group, they mostly both had toys for the younger age group, so there wasn't much that the eldest had that wasn't also suitable for the younger one. So at that age it would've been Duplo, Sticklebricks, Playmobil, velcro toy food etc - and they knew that all their creations were temporary and would get knocked over.
Yes, parks and gardens are great, and yes, they had LOTS of TV and ipad time, especially in the holidays. I see nothing wrong with that as long as what they're watching is age appropriate (and yes, some of it was drivel!!)
Do you have any help from a partner or family? Can you share childcare with a friend, e.g. someone has your little one for a few hours and you have their elder child for a few hours? Can the older one go to holiday club for 1-2 weeks so that only the little one is at home? Xxx

I do really appreciate the replies. I do understand the point people are making about life being easier outside of the house but we do have to be at home sometimes, even if it’s only to get dressed and teeth brushed etc. I always feel horrible when I’ve lost it but I just have nothing else at all at my disposal.

Take them to the park to run off some evergy. Do you have a garden, a paddling pool?
Also need to sort out your naughty step technique and be consistent … holding a door closed isn’t going to work.

I wouldn’t have had dc1 still on the floor with it. She’d be sitting at a table and dc2 playing on the floor.

Might not work for you but I wouldn’t have had Lego on the with a 3 yo about anyway as it could be in their mouth next - I know they talking about choking hazards for under 3s but 3 is still tiny.

Or I’d have had the duplo out for dc2 at the same time. I have a photo of them doing their respective Lego at similar ages (although I have a slightly bigger gap).

I bought a book called Calmer Happier Boys (I think) re the whole ways to deal with his behaviour without getting angry and I’m sure it would work the same for girls - people also recommend How to Talk so Kids will Listen. The book I had talked about praising all the good things, and I’ve always been very big on praise.

Edit - mine were both a bit shit at following instructions as tiny ones too. Even dc1 who has always been held up as exemplary at school wouldn’t have deigned to sit in time out aged 3 - but sometimes I used the tactic of going away myself until I felt calm, like a reverse time out. Dc2 has ADHD I should say - and I think all of us have a bit of the PDA (pathological demand avoidance) about us.

Your dc2 could be a brilliant resistance fighter if it ever comes to it! 😂

They obviously know they can run rings around you … I’d look into your discipline technique

Awww bless you.
No you aren't wrong to feel that way - I'll let you into a secret, teachers (even the Miss Honey types) occasionally think 'Why don't you all just f o' at the children in their class. And even more often 'Just shut the f** up!'. Children, however much we adore them are frustrating sometimes.

Your 3 year old isn't doing anything except being a 3 year old and 3 year olds are bloody annoying and stupid sometimes.
Your 6 year old isn't doing anything except being a 6 year old and 6 year olds are bloody annoying and stupid sometimes.
When they both get out of bed with the seeming aim of driving us nuts all day, then f* o** is a perfectly reasonable thought.

Give yourself a bit of time out if you can. Just go to your bedroom (put the tv on for the kids) and do something that calms you. Drink hot chocolate, read a chapter of a book, listen to a naff podcast, watch you tube of beaches. Just a few minutes. Then deep breath and determine that no matter what you will be resolutely positive. Make yourself feel sick with all the gushing about how lovely they are being, etc. It isn't your fault that they are doing what they are, but only you can change it.

Ask the HV about parenting classes in your area. Partly to get a few tips that might actually work, but mainly to meet other parents struggling just like you. Parents who understand and have been there. Honestly I can't recommend them enough.

If you can afford it, put the little one in nursery for some of the summer.

Right so you’d follow a nearly six year old around all day? I’m just checking I’ve understood correctly where I went wrong. We came downstairs and DC1 is sat on the lounge floor with her Lego. So should I have locked DC1 up, locked the Lego up, locked all toys up? I know it sounds like I’m being an arse and I’m not, but this is what I mean about replies not living in my world,

She could have had a completely identical Lego set to her sisters and she’d still have gone after her sisters. Same with the candy floss. Two kids, two sets of candy floss, dd2 wants both.

How to talk didn’t help I’m afraid. I just don’t think parenting books seem to work very well,

Fucking hell, did you do a head tilt while typing that out?

Solidarity OP. Alcohol helps.

Not a popular stance on mumsnet but I regularly swear at mine (though they're older than yours: TBF I swore when they were little too) and find it very cathartic.

And before the pearl clutchers come for me, I'm Irish (so quite sweary at the best of times) and I have a fantastic (if sweary) relationship with my kids.

It's been scientifically proven that sweary people are smarter. Or something I read years ago that reinforced my love of swearing.

Putting the youngest to one side OP. Does the school have any concerns with your eldest development wise? I wonder if it's worth bringing it up with the HV.

3 yr olds are like Attila the hun. They're all little batshit balls of pure Fury and ego. Horrible age.

I think for stuff like Lego and fiddly what have you I would set up a station in her room with a baby gate or some sort of play pen if you have the room and focus on distracting the youngest so eldest gets some peace.

But I wouldn't beat myself up over screens if screens work tbh.

I totally get this btw

I am an eldest child too!

I wouldn’t have ever stopped my
eldest playing with Lego. I would however have tried to either put a physical barrier in place - eg dc1 at the table and dc2 engaged elsewhere at floor level.

@allwrongnow I’m so but you do have to “prance around” making it safe for your dd1 to play with her Lego. Maybe it doesn’t come out at 8 am if you’re not ready to engage dd2 at this time, but you do need to engage dd2 to make it happy. “Prancing around” is a lot easier than shouting matches and locking yourselves in rooms.

My exh would be a parent who massively restricts the older ones to make it that the youngest isn’t around any toys they shouldn’t be messing with, ie so he doesn’t need to make any effort to keep the youngest away, but you just do have to do that as a parent.

You can’t expect to let the eldest get out toys that aren’t suitable for dc2 or that they will want but inevitably break, without making any effort yourself.

I think you’re too angry to listen to the responses though Op so I’m going to dip out

YANBU for wanting to tell them to @#%% off. Been there hundreds of times. Say it in your head it might make you feel better 🤣 my girls are 8 and 11 now, it gets better although they still have their moments.

You can have all the patience in the world but if a just turned 3 year old is having a tantrum (and that is still very young) then you just have to wait it out and discuss together when you're all calm.

I think I held the bedroom door closed for a couple of minutes when my daughter was little. Did it help? No. Was she hurt? No. Sometimes gentle parenting just makes me laugh. Some children can't be gentle parented 🤣

But you're doing the best you can. DD1 should be able to play with lego, it's also perfectly normal for DD2 to come and try to break it, I've been to enough play dates and toddler groups and saw it happen. I don't think there is a solution to this particular problem, it happens they grow and they learn.

Talk to them when it's all calmed down and tell them again when it happens that's all you can do. It's not worth ruining your day or the entire month over although I understand it feels like that at the time.

I’m not angry, I’m genuinely baffled. I get that other people manage this better than me (I don’t mean that sarcastically either, they clearly do.) what I don’t know is how as when I do the exact same things it just ends in chaos.

I can’t think of anywhere dd1 can play that dd2!l can’t physically get to and in any case even if I could dd1 is at least part of the problem.

@gamerchick not hugely, listening is a problem and it was hindering progress but she did seem to catch up towards the end of the year. She’s probably fine, it’s just so frustrating when I clearly say ‘you must stay here while I pack our bag’ and then I turn around and she’s gone.

I did swear today @PuppiesProzacProsecco . I was just so frustrated I properly lost it, crying and swearing in the car.just wish to god I’d never had them, so unfair on all of us

I must admit when mine were that age there were certain things I could only cope with if both me and DH were around. Like the older one painting and the younger one being one to one supervised. You have to work out what works for you, what leads to the blow ups etc. Books are only so useful.

Are you the only parent? Dad isn’t around?

Sorry if you’ve mentioned this and I’ve missed it

Did It get better @WhatNoRaisins ? At the moment it’s just awful and it’s been like this for probably the best part of a year. Obviously with two year olds they don’t properly understand and I thought when she’s more like two and a half and then three but now she is three and it’s as bad as ever. It’s awful but I just wish I’d never had her.

God I remember these days! My instinct was to punish because I was in trouble a lot as a child! What I found what works better is to be extra focused on the wronged child, big hugs/cuddle/soothing. Maybe a biscuit to cheer them up. Once younger child has calmed down talk to them calmly about what they did wrong and how upset theu made the wronged child. See if there is anyway they can make it up to them?

I just don’t think she has that level of empathy yet … I’m not suggesting she never will (it isn’t looking hugely hopeful!) but at the moment she doesn’t care if DD1 is upset - she’s got what she wanted.

Do you have stairs? Instead of trapping DD2 in a room, could you try the “naughty step”? I have 3 children and this has worked for mine (for the most part). My youngest was 3 last month and waiting for ASD assessment, but he does understand the naughty step is a place to calm down and then when I go to him and explain why I put him there, he says sorry, gives me a hug and if it’s one of my elder two he’s upset, he will say sorry and hug them. It takes some time to practice, as at first they won’t just sit and believe me, he is an absolute whirlwind of a child and my most difficult one. BUT, it does work well once they get the hang of it.

I think that whatever the age of the siblings a 2-3 year old will dominate the household and be the limiting factor in what you can do. Mine did get better as the younger one got older, they still fight but there are also times when they play together. The older one also got more independent so that they could do their activities whilst I alone kept the younger one from interfering with their painting or equivalent.

We do @vixen996 but I don’t see how it helps if she won’t stay on it? Sorry, I’m honestly not being awkward on purpose.

No tips because they’re all different but wanted to offer reassurance- it does get better! I can’t even remember when but do remember wondering what I had done with my life.
Life is fucking hard right now but one day you will be reading someone else’s experience of these ages and look back and remember how hard it was in that moment.

My only advice- Have you got wine for tonight? If not get some 😉