To want to tell my kids to fuck off

[allwrongnow]

Dd2(3) destroyed DD1(6)s Lego. Tried to put DD2 in a time out; of course she won’t stay so she’s in her room with me on one side of the door holding it closed while she screams the place down and DD1 follows me bellowing and ranting about the injustice of it so two kids screaming their heads off at me while I’m holding door closed.

I didn’t but I wanted to tell them both to fuck off. (I have never done this out loud but Jesus it’s tempting.)

Yes, I know I probably did it all wrong and no MNetters would have such chaos but that’s not my life I’m afraid.

Jesus Christ. How many more times must the OP point out that it doesn't matter what the 3 year old has, she still snatches her sisters stuff. If only it was as easy as just giving her some duplo

Oh do fuck off with your stupid comments

@allwrongnow I can feel your frustration shining through in your posting and I am sorry that so many posters do not get it. Im not an expert but it sounds like such extreme behaviour that it might be worth reaching out to a local SEND parenting group? I know my local one has a parent support helpline where you can ring and speak to someone - even if its just to offload.

Hopefully the Health Visitor will be useful but you can also refer yourself to Early Help for parenting support if you feel that would be useful? Ive worked with loads of fantastic EH workers who can help you think about strategies.

I genuinely feel for you, even reading your posts it sounds like you are so ground down. I hope you get some help soon because you sound like you are trying your very best.

P.s. have you thought about simply taking them outside? 😉😉😉

"dd2 is … well, it doesn’t matter how much love and attention she gets, she just obsessively targets dd1, who can’t have anything at all because dd2 just takes it off her and screams"

I was once that DD1, OP. My sister was a little shit. I was always very careful with stuff, I could play with my auntie's ceramic animal collection and would not break a single one of them. I followed the rules. I was quiet. My little sister hated me. She would wait until I would finish a clay vase which had taken me all day to make, and she would sneak into my room and smash it, and smile when mum was not looking. She would draw doodles in my favourite books, and pull the pages off them. She would come behind me and pull my hair, really hard. She would hide my glasses so I couldn't see and my mum told me off for losing them.

My parents said that she was just small and I was the older one and had to put up with it.

One day I exploded. I don't even remember exactly what she did, but we were home alone while mum and dad had gone somewhere (we were children of the 80s, were left home alone a lot), and she did another of her cruel things to me. And I just lost it. I went into a rage, accummulated after all those months and years of holding it inside. I beat her up quite badly, pulled her hair, pushed her, threw her around... to the point that, when I came back to my senses, I was holding her by the neck and starting to squeeze. I stopped then.

She of course waited until mum and dad got back and started crying and screaming as soon as they came through the door. I admitted everything, and said "and I will do it again if she ever hurts me or breaks another one of my things". I got punished for hitting her. But I didn't care.

You know what? The little shit never, ever came for me again.

Even the mildest of children has their limits, OP. If you don't protect your DD1 from your DD2, DD1 will one day explode. And it will be ugly.

They sounds like a nightmare @allwrongnow I’m so sorry.

it sounds as though the root of the problem is the younger one always wanting the older ones things. Have you any idea why? The candy floss sounds the same but did Dd3 think the other one was larger? Were the buckets and spades different colours and one seemed more desirable?

what happens when you let DD3 pick first? Has she ever said why she wants the other one?

Here's OPs reply from yesterday to one of the many posters going on about outside-

We have been through this. They’ve been out from 9 in the morning until nearly 4. It doesn’t stop them being dicks.

Wanting to tell your kids to F off is something I resonate with so deeply. I must say it 50 to 100 times under my breath every day.
Parenting is so hard - especially two kids with an age gap, as they never want to do the same thing at the same time!

Sometimes as the Mum, you’re the one that needs five minutes outside, I know I certainly did, but I wasn’t taking the kids with me.

Take five minutes for yourself- leave them to it. I realise that some are going to say that’s irresponsible but if YOU stop managing then everybody suffers, so you need to look after yourself and put your own lifejacket on first.

I’d tell mine that I was done with their bad behaviour and so they’d better make friends again whilst I was outside as I wasn’t coming back in until the tantrums had stopped and it was quiet again.
Stand outside the window where they can see you and face away. Their attention will quickly change from being on each other to being on you, and when they are quiet go back in and have a big hug, and at that point, you can have the discussion about what they did.
No lessons were ever learned whilst emotions were high.

Take each day as it comes and I hope things get easier for you x

If it helps, yesterday we had our grandchildren round. They're all 10 and under and are going through that hating each other stage where they kick and hit and insult each other. I never had this as there are insanely ridiculous age gaps between mine. I've had a really bad year with illness and am still feeling rough so mainly, bless him, dh took control and entertained them. However, at one point, I walked in and one was screaming as they didn't get the treat they wated, another was screaming as they wanted a certain tv programme on and the eldest was egging them on. I Lost It! I screamed back they were selfish, spoilt horrible children who have no idea about real life (of course they don't thank god as they're children!!) I burst into tears, two of them cried even more loudly and I had to leave the room. Luckily I calmed down and went back in. They ran over, apologised, we all cried and I told their mum straight away who was not in the least bit cross! It's horrible but sometimes we all reach that point. It's never nice but we're all human and as kids they will begin to understand that

have you thought about getting them into play groups or something ? Too much togetherness and not getting out of the house sounds horrendous. They are driving each other nuts because they are bored and at different stages of being a child.

Thanks all, even if I do want to tell the posters demanding to know why I wasn’t dressed at 820 on a Saturday morning to … go forth and multiply. Yesterday was tough and I didn’t help matters as I was exhausted and stressed myself. They aren’t that bad; they are annoying and dd2 does tend to demand whatever dd1 has which is frustrating for everybody. It’s the one thing that isn’t really improving tbh and I’ve no idea what to do about it, but then she isn’t like that with other kids. So that’s something.

That poster actually asked why you weren't dressed at 06:39 this morning 🤣🤣🤣
I woke up at 10am today, if anyone tried enquiring with me about getting dressed before 7am any day I'd think they'd lost their mind.

They sound really similar to my two! I have two boys, 4 and 6, and they do exactly the same things, including DS1 going "look what I've got" then crying when DS2 destroys it, and DS2 having to take everything off his brother and beating him up! I also tell them to fuck off (in my head) a million times a day, and DH is always at work. Oh and they go completely nuts in the garden so it always ends in chaos!

However DS1 is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and DS2 almost certainly has ADHD too (not saying yours have it, just that mine can be extra feral!). One thing that stood out was your DD1 not listening/understanding, has she had her hearing tested? I thought DS1 was ignoring instructions or not understanding, turns out he's got double glue ear and is deaf as a post half the time.

With the hair pulling while driving I'd be threatening to put DD1 in a rear facing seat if she doesn't pack it in, easy for me to say as my eldest is still under the weight limit for his brother's seat, but maybe the threat would be enough!

And this is precisely why some people choose to have only 1 child, but people.sneer at them and say "oh but they need a sibling to play with". Siblings more often than not make your life a misery

Thanks @Pinkywoo . She isn’t all that bad to be fair, she does do that kid thing of you having to repeat yourself 100 times (the responding instantaneously when you try to sneak a snack for yourself!) but I do think her hearing is problematic. She’s actually got an appointment next month.

I don’t think they have ADHD, but DD1 is definitely on the high energy side of things. They tend to get daft and hyper together. I am hoping things will improve as dd2 approaches 4 (although I hoped that for 3 and hasn’t really happened yet!)

@Yourguessisasgoodasmine no sneering from me, I frequently question my life choices! DD2 is definitely more inclined to eg go into soft play or something with DD1 where she wouldn’t alone, and there are sweet moments. It is relentless though. I saw a woman come out of Tesco yesterday with just one quiet little girl and I was jealous, I won’t lie!

I read ‘Siblings Without Rivalry’. A really easy read, MN recommended and what a game-changer! Understanding the psychology of sibling dynamics made everything so much easier. The rivalry starts really early … my teen DDs are eighteen months apart and in the early years before I found my sibling bible my inner voice needed its mouth washing out with industrial strength bleach 😂

I’ll order it but I’m making a note of your username and you owe me wine if it’s full of hacks like that How To Talk one, which suggested getting two year olds to draw feelings or something!

Before seeing the HV, it might be worth doing the Ages and Stages questionnaire and Ages and Stages Social-Emotional questionnaire.

It isn’t easy, but it sounds like far more supervision and intervention is required. Some DC really do need someone to be right there the whole time they are awake. For example, if DD runs off when outside, look at reins/a harness. If DD can’t be trusted to safely sit in the car, look at a crelling harness. If you know DD1 can’t manage putting party bag in her room, have you tried taking it off her before you go into the house and saying you will put this safely in the cupboard for later?

You might think it isn’t practical to have things out of reach, and it is true it isn’t easy, but sometimes it is necessary. While it is more work upfront, it can save stress and time in the longer run.

We hybus itba stupid comment? Instead of dealing with her kids she rushed to make a post, then responded to reples. Me maybe she should have tried different ways to help her kids instead of wanting to tell her kids to fuck off, Jesus, god help her kids they have no hope with her as their mum

Reins on a NT six year old would just be humiliating. She doesn’t run off per se. She is just fast and DD2 is very very slow, so I end up having to consider which child to run to and grab.

@Poppinpoppinpopcorn have you thought about going in the garden?

If DD can’t be trusted not to run off and all the normal parenting techniques haven’t improved that, there is probably some form of additional needs in the context of wider developmental concerns as well. Hence suggesting reins/harness. Safety is surely more important than embarrassment.

If it isn’t running off but is a matter of DD walking faster then recalling her or telling her to stay within sight/don’t go beyond X would work. If it doesn’t, it crosses into running/wandering off.

From what OP has said in later posts, I think it is very likely that dd1 has significant hearing loss, whether that is due to glue ear or something else.

Can I have that in English?

I find muttering under my breath while turned the other way helps! Also useful in the classroom then turn around with a big smile lol 😆

If the reins are humiliating then that may be the only way DD1 realises what she needs to do to get rid of them.

I would also suggest you opt for the positive rather than negative. So rather than ‘don’t do x’ say ‘can you do y’ so you aren’t planting any ideas about things they could do that you don’t want them to. It’s a bit of a take on the ‘I’m coming to get you - don’t let go of the high branch’ versus ‘hold on to the high branch - I’m coming to get you’. Sometimes humans only hear the last bit and their reflexes make them do that thing, even if it wasn’t what actually said.

Wow, really helpful comment. Bet you're fun at parties!