To want to tell my kids to fuck off

[allwrongnow]

Dd2(3) destroyed DD1(6)s Lego. Tried to put DD2 in a time out; of course she won’t stay so she’s in her room with me on one side of the door holding it closed while she screams the place down and DD1 follows me bellowing and ranting about the injustice of it so two kids screaming their heads off at me while I’m holding door closed.

I didn’t but I wanted to tell them both to fuck off. (I have never done this out loud but Jesus it’s tempting.)

Yes, I know I probably did it all wrong and no MNetters would have such chaos but that’s not my life I’m afraid.

God I hope so and I’m going to Tesco in a bit - wine is going in the trolley!

Maybe a straw too 😂

In this situation I would be getting her to pack the bag with you, finding things that need to go in, praising her for how helpful she is being for mummy. It is tiring and unrelenting, I do feel for you.

Yes but … I’ve got to brush my teeth. I’ve got to shower or at least wash, I’ve got to get dressed. They have to eat breakfast. Then we pack the bag. I don’t think anyone’s living in the real world at all here!

Wanting to tell them to fuck off, saying your dd is “a bit slow”, that you hate the other one and you wish to god you’d never had them. All that and dismissing every suggestion made to you, claiming adamantly your children wouldn’t respond to those suggestions anyway and no willingness to try to change things either. Nothing will change if you don’t try a new approach.

have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling/coping? You sound totally overwhelmed, angry and honestly quite depressed. There is help available, but you have to want it. I hope your situation improves soon.

@HeyHowdyHey I am going to take issue with ‘dismissing every suggestion’ - if I’ve tried something and it hasn’t worked then I am entitled to point this out.

I have tried so many fucking things. I’ve read the parenting books and I’ve looked online. The advice is more or less the same: some variables but only small ones. Stay calm, firmly tell DD she can’t <whatever>, praise the good behaviour.

And we’re a year on and things are just as bad. I’m sorry if you don’t like hearing it but it’s an anonymous space and I am desperate. I would never, ever have had two children if I knew this is what life looks like, EVER. It is relentlessly miserable. This morning was the LEGO but tomorrow it will be something else. We were at the beach on holiday and they both had buckets and spades and Dd2 just wouldn’t stop trying to snatch DD1s, miserable day ensues.

And I don’t know how else to say it … I do think dd1 possibly has some difficulties with comprehension and understanding; you tell her not to do something and she does it. Not seemingly to be wilfully disobedient but more doesn’t seem to understand that if she does X then Y will happen.

And I don’t know what good the GP can do, the horse has well and truly bolted. The time to do something about this has passed. I have already pretty much lost hope of being happy as long as they are home and I don’t expect they’ll want to have much to do with me once they are adults. So I’ll just slog on.

She’s 6!!

OP has called her 6 year old slow and states she hates her 3 year old, who she thinks it’s appropriate to be locked in a room while crying and upset, not quite sure about the brilliant mum tbh.

6 years yes not months. 6 years old does understand ‘stay there’? I mean there are dogs that understand that instruction.

Children love being in the garden all day, much like dogs. Maybe the issue is you're trying too much to keep them inside

Hahahahahahahahahsha

"If anyone’s got anything that will actually stop DD2 ruining anything her sister tries to do that doesn’t involve sitting in a garden in my pyjamas at half eight on a Saturday morning with two kids bellowing like bullocks at me, go for it."

😂Made me laugh, OP. Never surrender✊

They are still babies, how can you say the horse has bolted? I understand you have tried so many things but you haven’t tried even half what has been suggested to you. You repeatedly say oh that won’t work, this won’t work, you lot aren’t in the real world, we have no idea.

We are for the most part mothers who have also been where you are, we haven’t forgotten what it is like. Drinking wine, expecting life to stay miserable and losing your temper (losing it properly) with your kids is no solution at all.

You are overwhelmed and need help for yourself. Your kids are suffering because you’re not coping. It’s not that we are so much better, we aren’t, you’re not alone so many of us hit that point with multiple under 7s at home that do not get along with each other. Please do not give up on yourself or your kids.

I just read the stay there dog comment about your 6yr old. Just wow.

I've done it once or twice out of frustration, we're only human afterall. But goodness me did it shock them, as it is out of character for me, they would behave for a good couple of days afterwards. I think sometimes it's good to teach them that we have feelings too, explain afterwards that mum got very upset with their behaviour and this caused you to use a bad word and they shouldn't use it but they also be kinder to each other and you.

don’t show dd2 your new toy as she’ll take it off you.’ I will come back from a party with dd1 and clearly tell her to go and put the party bag straight in her room and she’ll literally go and show dd2, leading to her trying to snatch it and a meltdown. And it’s difficult to be sympathetic then tbh.

Again you are just telling and not showing and you are making your 5 yo responsible for parenting her sister. It is up to you to keep her party bag safe. It is up to you to keep her Legos safe. It is up to you to intervene before little sister takes or destroys anything and that involves more than telling the 5yo to watch out or…

That wasn’t the example you gave though. The example you gave was expecting her to remember the instruction at a later date (not showing her sibling a new toy). But she may well have comprehension issues, my son is autistic and this is a challenge for him, but it’s your job as a parent to learn how to manage that effectively.

Parenting is stressful and frustrating at times and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to tell your kids to fuck off in your own head but I think your expectations of both children seem off, as does the way you’ve dealt with it (shutting a 3 year old in a room for time out).

I think you need to speak to your GP about anxiety as a starting point in helping you to manage this better.

No, I’ve just seen how far mums can sink when they lose hope. The updates have taken on a concerning tone and the OP needs to know it can get worse if she carries on as she is.

I think this is good advice.

I by no means did everything right as a parent.

And I do think it is sadly inevitable that the younger child overall comes out with a better life than the eldest, due to the limiting factors of a younger sibling.

I see it now with my two - ds12 has a Mum who can come on Scouts family camp with just him because my only other child is dd17 - he has a Mum who can do pretty much anything with him. When dd was that age I had DS as a 7 yo so I wasn’t as free (they do have a dad who is involved but they both see/ saw being left with him as the dud option).

I still now have to work and co ordinate calendars to spend time grown up time with dd.

And when they were little it was work to keep her Lego safe, whereas DS never had that issue. Loom bands had to be kept way out of reach when they were a fad as DS was a crawling baby. But you as the parent work hard to achieve some parity.

How about letting the eldest stay up later to do her Lego?

But also be kind to yourself and put the telly on for either or both of them when needed.

Listen they are small kids, really small kids, you don't seem to want to change your behaviour, parenting or way of doing things despite disliking the results yet the only person you actually have any control of here is yourself.

We can all tell you till we're blue in the face what's likely to help but if you just want to complain it takes effort on your part then you'll be in the same position forever.

They're not awful though, they re small kids who sound under excercised and your expectations don't sound age appropriate

PS - I don’t think wanting in your head to tell them to fuck off is so very awful either - I just think you need some better strategies that don’t lead to everyone screaming - even if it is the telly!

And both your kids are TINY. When my dd was 6, I thought that was big, but it really isn’t. Yes they can listen to instructions at that age but they are way, way less mature than an adult should be, and also way less mature than even a 10 yo.

I always feel horrible when I’ve lost it but I just have nothing else at all at my disposal.

You've rejected every suggestion made.

DC1 is sat on the lounge floor with her Lego. The Lego should be up at the table. Behind a stair gate if necessary, while you entertain the 3yo.

Prevention is always much less work than dealing with the fallout afterwards.

I don’t think anyone’s living in the real world at all here! this is a forum full of people who have experienced or are experiencing exactly this scenario with two or more kids.

I just want to say I’ve been there 🤣 I have 2 kids with a big age gap! Thought I was a brilliant parent with the first…i’m now learning It was nothing to do with my marvellous parenting and just that my DC had a fairly easy personality. My second drives me to despair every day !!! I have no advice other than wine… 🤣

Also - if you’re in your 30s (or even 20s), enjoy the wine whilst you can still use it as a wind down.

When you’re in your 40s you suddenly become unable to take your drink - or in many cases we do!

I agree the wanting to say it is not awful but the thoughts of fuck off kids, wish I never had them are warning signs that you, OP, are at the end of your rope and you desperately need help parenting and with what might be depression.

I get it, there is no break as a parent plus it is full on and relentless at that age. It’s good you’re being brutally honest on here, motherhood is often romanticised and rarely do we acknowledge how difficult it can be.

I think ultimately you need some sort of reset, I don't know if having a day off whilst someone else looks after them is an option. It's possible that there are strategies or simple things that can reduce the pressure points on this dynamic but I get how you can't see the wood for the trees from where you're at right now. Is there someone who knows you all in real life that you could bounce ideas off?