To want to tell my kids to fuck off

[allwrongnow]

Dd2(3) destroyed DD1(6)s Lego. Tried to put DD2 in a time out; of course she won’t stay so she’s in her room with me on one side of the door holding it closed while she screams the place down and DD1 follows me bellowing and ranting about the injustice of it so two kids screaming their heads off at me while I’m holding door closed.

I didn’t but I wanted to tell them both to fuck off. (I have never done this out loud but Jesus it’s tempting.)

Yes, I know I probably did it all wrong and no MNetters would have such chaos but that’s not my life I’m afraid.

This is normal summer holiday antics if you have 2 or more kids hang in there!

I totally feel for you OP and remember the feelings of rage and impotence.

You’re likely to get lots of posters who are horrified that you can feel like this and will tell you how they never get cross and all you need to do is have a quiet talk about gentle hands and being kind and how mummy is sad blah blah blah. Sorry, but I don’t know what the answer is. If I did I would have written a book and no siblings would ever fight ever again and I’d be typing this from my private island in the Bahamas.

You have put a 3 year old in a room and are holding the door shut....that is not going to fix this. She is only 3. You need to tell her why what she did is wrong and then move on. As for the summer hols, routine and structure at these ages is the most helpful thing and getting out the house for a walk or trip to the park is ideal. If your 6 year old makes something special in lego, put it out of the reach of the 3 year old.

Not all parenting scenarios have a pretty Instagram worthy solution. Moments like this just suck.

Absolutely agree. She's done something wrong she needs to understand there's a consequence.
Time out worked a treat for older DD who frequented the naughty step regularly. Dd2 was a far less frequent visitor to it. God speed OP

Naaa the science does not back that up.

When a child is locked in a room screaming it means that they are panicking (you many think it’s anger but it’s not it panic). That means they are not functioning from their frontal lobe (the thinking part of the brain), which means they are learning nothing. I lie the only thing they are learning is that when I do something wrong and I need help from people instead of getting help I get shut away, so I need up up my behaviour to be close enough to the adults.

At no point did I say there should not be consequences or rules. Absolutely there should be. But locking a child a room
somply does not work and usually is a sign that the parent has lost it. No judgement here, been there and done it. But I admit it doesn’t work.

I think sometimes you have to just ignore the screaming - they get attention / get to rejoin games / get let out when they're quiet. Reward the behaviour you want and ignore what you don't. Until they're calm, the child that hasn't been misbehaving gets all the attention and fun stuff.

Diffuse the situation now. Deal with consequences and talking to each of them when everything is calmer later. The younger child needs to do something nice to make it up to their sibling but they aren't going to do it now and they won't understand it.

How three are they - just three or nearly four?

We had time out for awful behaviour. Only had to do it a couple of times. Unless a child has a medical or cognitive reason then it’s fine. I can clearly remember my life from age 2 and many know what they are doing.

Of course it’s fine to feel like this we are not in 1984 and we are allowed feelings and thoughts it’s not like you have told them to fuck off. All this gentle parenting stuff is a contributing factor to why teachers are leaving in droves and why some young people don’t cope in the workplace.

DD sadly died on the brink of adulthood, DS is now a young adult but both were and are well rounded individuals

If anyone’s got anything that will actually stop DD2 ruining anything her sister tries to do that doesn’t involve sitting in a garden in my pyjamas at half eight on a Saturday morning with two kids bellowing like bullocks at me, go for it.

@dairydebris thanks. I generally don’t find parenting books very helpful as it deals in the abstract not the reality. ChatGPT for example tells me I should take the Lego away and firmly say I will not let you destroy your sisters things and ignore the tantrum which sounds fine in theory. What it looks like in practice is wrestling and snatching the Lego off her, then it’s destroyed anyway, she’s screaming her head off and as soon as I get one piece off her she grabs another. So I have to put her away partly for my own sanity.

I could just not let DD1 have Lego and I won’t again, I only bought this one against my better judgement but she misses out on so bloody much because of DD2, DD2 really is foul to DD1 and it’s awful.

@Foodylicious when they are like this neither food or tv or outside helps.

@Marroon 100%. Im sure your kids are delightful as you are as well.

@QueenStevie just three TBF and I’ve rounded up DD1s age and she isn’t 6 until September. But I feel so bad. She has a toy and dd2 snatches it, even if they have identical toys it isn’t good enough. On holiday I bought them candy floss, dd2 screamed and chased dd1 around trying to get hers even as she was holding the identical thing in her hands. It’s miserable and isn’t getting better.

Thanks to those who do get it. It’s just impossible knowing what to do. I’m miserable and so are they. I know everyone is going to make out all I need to do is open the door and give them a biscuit or something but all that would do would be to transfer the screaming outside and fight over the identical biscuits.

And actually the only thing that would work would be to buy two iPads and have them in separate rooms watching the lowest quality shit on YouTube for hours on end and honestly I am tempted.

I think time out is fine but it sounds like dd1 needs to understand that too - her following you about screaming suggests she's hoping for more of a public lynching 😅

I have already wondered this week if I am a monster but I would have been fairly awful to both of them. To dd1 - you know dd2 will destroy it, I have told you before not to parade around in front of her unfortunately this is a lesson to you too. To dd2 - that is utterly unacceptable look how upset dd1 is if you want to destroy lego you need to build your own.

Then the lego goes away, because dd2 has made it impossible. And we go to a supermarket or similar not very fun errand just to break up the day and have a bit of a reset.

They’ve got ballet lessons in a bit anyway so at least they are in different rooms to one another and me for an hour!

I don't know about anything else @allwrongnow but your thread title has put a smile on my face!

I’m glad

It sounds like dd2 is just desperate for 100% attention and she'll do whatever it takes to get it. So time out is the appropriate punishment because she needs to learn that behaving badly = time alone and no attention.

You've more control than I ever had, well done. Screamed at mine on numerous occasions throughout their childhoods. They're adults now & the only effect it's had is the creation of family memories. They were the kind of situations that aren't funny at the time, but looking back on them now has us all belly laughing.

Keep your 3 year old with you and entertain her so she not bored and off destroying your other dd's things. Do less housework and do more with your kids.

Instead of shutting dd in her room and holding the door shut (which is horrible and teaches nothing) give your other dd all your attention and help her fix the lego on a high table that so your other dd can't interfere.

Giving your eldest 121 attention that your youngest isn't getting will be more of a 'punishment' then shutting her in her room.

Make sure dd has somewhere her sister can't reach that she can put her lego creations.

Time out on a stereo worked for dd1 but like you, when I did it for dd2 I had dd1 trying to out there twopence worth in.

In situations like these I would take away the Lego, sympathise briefly with dd1 then say we will discuss this when we are all calmer then walk away and do something else, grey rocking “we will discuss when we are all calmer”. Make sure you do remember to do so, and have a calm conversation and ask them to put themselves in each others shoes. Make the instigator apologise.

I suspect the younger child’s problem is jealousy and frustration. Offer to help them access stuff the older child does. Give them both one to one time. Let the younger one do stuff that the older one isn’t allowed to because “it’s only for younger children” to make the younger one feel special too. Endeavour to give the older one a space to do stuff that the other child can’t reach or access so it won’t get destroyed.

…and then you carefully explain it all again later in the afternoon, and 3 times tomorrow and then again the day after…and then they are fighting over identical biscuits and toys and every bloody thing, all of the bloody time…

Maybe just get out of the house? Say a drive or walk somewhere.They may like a change of scene .And you can get out too .All this playing in the garden gets a bit too much the same in the end!

SWR is absolutely not in the abstract. Really really recommend.

Sounds like you are doing a good job. Kids need boundaries and you have implemented them. Hopefully they have all calmed down now and you can enjoy the rest of the day. Loads of sanctimonious advice on here sometimes.

If my sister destroyed my Lego and got a hug from my mum, I would've been a very angry child.

There's no justice in that whatsoever.

This. Please don’t trap her in her room.