To want to tell my kids to fuck off

[allwrongnow]

Dd2(3) destroyed DD1(6)s Lego. Tried to put DD2 in a time out; of course she won’t stay so she’s in her room with me on one side of the door holding it closed while she screams the place down and DD1 follows me bellowing and ranting about the injustice of it so two kids screaming their heads off at me while I’m holding door closed.

I didn’t but I wanted to tell them both to fuck off. (I have never done this out loud but Jesus it’s tempting.)

Yes, I know I probably did it all wrong and no MNetters would have such chaos but that’s not my life I’m afraid.

And I think your maths is slightly off - I have two children, not three!

If those girls only have you in their life, you might need to consider what is best for them and it might not be you

Have you seen another thread where someone is trying to do just that? It might be a good moment to read it.

lol holding the door shut on a three year old sounds like one of those “what the fuck am I doing?” moments. I mean you’ve lost the room when you’re at that stage.

She’s three!

I am aware, I gave birth to her almost exactly three years ago. But the alternative is just letting her do what she wants which isn’t really what we’re about either.

What, you lock her in the room or she ruins the Lego? That’s it? What about distracting and redirecting her?

My two have a similar age gap. They are older now. They tormented each other at times as siblings do but not once did I ever shut one of them in room.

They’ll grow out of it. Mine are 12 and 9 and they’re best pals now (most of the time)

I haven't read all of the posts, sorry, but I just saw a mention of baby gates and it reminded me that I bought a big metal playpen thing on Facebook Marketplace once. Absolutely useless for keeping my younger daughter happy and contained, but it became the 'safe place' where my older daughter could do Lego, magnatiles, etc. without it being destroyed. A bit mental in hindsight but it worked 🤣

Haha not wrong for thinking it but yes would be wrong for saying it if you had. I've been there with the monster tantrums and everyone saying to take them outside can jog on, we don't need an audience for the screaming and flailing! We use time out and I've no issue with it - if we want children to make good choices they need to understand what it good and what is not and a short time by themselves to calm down and process what has happened and the consequences won't harm them. DD(2) has made the link between bad behaviour causing time out and time out making her sad, then saying sorry and people feeling better and we move swiftly on.

She knows what you’re trying to do with distraction and it makes her very, very angry indeed. She’ll just scream ‘no <whatever distraction> and probably lamp you to boot.

You are a troll. As a mother and grandmother, I can relate to what the poster is dealing with. If you don't have anything usefull to say, why respond at all?

I don't think dd2 (now 33) has ever forgiven ds (now 23) for pushing her Harry Potter lego train off the 'quite' high surface she had placed it. Half the pieces went down the back and we never found them all! They both still love lego.

So OP, you get no respite from this situation, I’m not surprised you’re at breaking point.

You mentioned a big birthday party. Is there anybody like grandparents or aunts who’s willing to take your older DD for a week or a few days this summer? Nearly 6 is fine if she knows them well and you can video call any time.

Being with children or cousins older than herself might model more advanced behaviour because currently she’s lowering herself to DD2’s. Hair pulling (my two used to squeeze hard enough to bruise) should stop soon.

In that time you can deal exclusively with DD2 and maybe she’ll appreciate having her sister back. Divide and conquer.

But please find some outlet and time for yourself. Drinking wine and venting on social media will only make you feel worse. 💐

Put a gate on DD2’s room and trap her in there with you while DD1 plays elsewhere. Get some toys out and try to play with her. If she ignores you and carries on screaming, climb out and walk away. She needs to learn that if she wants attention she has to stop trying to go after DD1’s things.

And stop worrying about your parenting. There is a three year gap between me and DB. We were mostly fine, but if we hadn’t have been, one or both of us would have been smacked. When mine were small in the 2000s I had relatives and friends who smacked their DC for behaviour like this. When you take smacking off the table it can be hard to deal effectively with a determined destroyer like you have. Talking about kind hands is going to get you nowhere. She has to learn that she does not get what she wants so you have to separate them. Put a gate on DD1’s room if necessary and get her lego up on shelves or on high bookcases etc. Get her to build it on lego base boards, small trays, cardboard box lids etc so it can be quickly lifted up and moved if DD2 still gets near it.

Why aren't you dressed yet?
Get dressed. Get the children dressed & then get outside. Go for a walk or go to the park.
Children spend far too many hours cooped up indoors & it drives everyone crazy

Could you get some duplo for dd2 so they can both make things? One of my dgds is just over 2 and loves playing with duplo.

It's hard to empathise if you had biddable children (and everyone who did have biddable children will say it was their parenting that worked, when it might just have been that their children were more prone to listening and doing as they were told).

I had five, so a good cross section. Two feral, two middling and one very calm and obedient child. If I'd only had her I would have said I had parenting sorted. If I only had the middling ones I would have had 'bad days' but lots of cuddling and talking would sort out most problems. The two feral ones (the worst one of whom is now an accountant) would laugh in my face, climb out of windows if sent to their rooms, refuse to get dressed and generally mean that I had to spend all my time trying to keep them from murdering each other while the other three were left to their own devices. I was a single parent, so nobody else to help.

We've all been there, even if we pretend we haven't. I hope today is a little better for you, OP, and you manage to find a little bit of peace. Hang in there, one day they will be thirty and patronising you over how you organise your kitchen (if my experience is anything to go by).

My sister and I had slide locks on the outside of our bedroom doors so our brother couldn't wreck our stuff

It's early. Not everyone springs up and gets dressed

Well I’d be putting DD2 in a time out behind a baby gate every single time she takes DD1’s stuff. She knows exactly what she’s doing and it’s not about the item, it’s about her sisters reaction. Who cares about the screams? Once she knows you mean business she’ll stop soon enough.

I think DD1 is equally at fault though because she taunts DD2 with her things even when told not to. So it seems very unfair to always just turn dd2 into the trouble maker when it is much more nuanced than that

Hey OP I am really feeling for you and all the posters saying you have attitude because are dismissing all their oh so helpful ‘solutions’ which mostly seem to be ‘just tell DD1/DD2 to stop doing what they’re doing in a calm and loving manner and then you can all sit down and have fun painting and baking together’ 🤣

As @Vroomfondleswaistcoat and others have said, how ‘good’ you are at parenting is entirely dependant on how feral your children are, and if they are feisty then it is fucking exhausting and none of those solutions work. Solidarity OP 👊🏼

I've read all your responses and it sounds like you're exhausted and at the end of your tether. You're not on your own feeling like this, it can be relentless, especially if you've got no one else to help.
My youngest is destructive/ screams / lashes out. For reason I don't understand, my oldest thinks it's funny to lie down a lot of the time when youngest is on a rampage so gets hurt.
We've been doing time out. It took months of consistently setting a timer (we started with 1 minute and worked up to a minute for each year of his age) and forcing him back to the spot every time he refused, and yes, I've keen kicked bitten and punched while doing it. He still screams at the top of his lungs but is at a point where he accepts he has to stay there until the timer goes off. This means I now have a few minutes to tend to oldest.
Running off is non- negotiable. My oldest likes to skip ahead, the rule is he stays in sight, and comes back if asked. My youngest bolts, so has to hold my hand. This regularly turns into a death grip on his arm while he writhes like a crocodile. Im buying wrist reins today, much to his disgust. Its getting better but a year ago there were times I could have happily handed one back if it was an option.
Also it sucks but standards can drop. We regularly go out with 4yo in pyjamas because he won't get dressed. No shoes? Fine, after 5 mins in the car or pram, he's begging me to put his shoes on. Its not ideal but suncream goes on when they are strapped in the car. We drive most places because of the bolting. Ive also got us season passes so we go to the same places each time but don't feel the pressure to stay all day, and can come home after an hour if it's a disaster.
I'll probably get flamed on here now for my shit parenting, but hope some honesty about the relentlessness of it helps. We can't all be Mary Poppins and even if we were, my youngest would probably still fling a toy at her head.

Agree with this. Its par for the course on this site though, no one understands how shitty some kids can be and then minute you start talking honestly about them (she used the word slow), people go off at a tangent and start berating the OP!!!

Some kids are slow, defiant, careless, messy, feral, attracted to danger. Its not bad parenting to actually know your child and know them for their bad bits as well as their good bits.

Quite a few of us have said that lego, and other special toys, should be played with in dd1's room behind an efficient barrier, or at the very least, a height that dd2 cannot reach.
That is absolutely normal at these ages.

So there is an issue with your kids and instead of dealing with it you came straight to post about it. Maybe next time deal with it and not post.

Well, at least it’s no longer the kids I want to tell to fuck off.

The appropriate height thing is all well and good when it's a baby and an older child but not when it's two kids of similar mobility and potentially similar heights. It also doesn't sound like the older one would always stick to their Lego zone anyway.