AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

Surely it’s better for your kids to at least spend 50% of the time not like this. This is no life. And they’ll end up blaming you for not doing anything about it. You all have more to lose by staying.

Please, I beg of you, pack your bags and take your children away from this level of control. Meal times should be for families to come together to discuss their day. With regards to the sweets, I was brought up in a restrictive, authoritarian household. I had body dysmorphia, an eating disorder then a life time of poor relationships with food. I would secretly eat the food I wasn't allowed and then feel immense shame afterwards.

The children can't leave, only you can. Please make the right decision for them. At the very least insist on couples counselling

How do you live with it ?
You don’t.
You stand up for yourself and your children.

‘If you want to listen to the tv or radio when we are eating dinner, go somewhere else to eat, but while the children and I are all round the table we will be talking together as we eat, not remaining silent. Your demand is not normal and is detrimental to the children and our family life ’

‘The children want to go to macdonalds so I will be taking them this holiday to experience it and letting them compare the burgers to our normal home made burgers. We will do a taste test and they can learn how to make their own. And how to develop their own views on fast food. Your insistence that they shouldn’t ever go there is unreasonable, unhelpful, and only makes it more attractive to them.’

’while I am driving and in control of the car, it’s dangerous for you to keep telling me what to do as if I’m a learner driver. Please stop interfering with my driving or get out of the car’

‘If you insist in speeding and tailgating, we will no longer be your passengers as your driving is a risk to our safety’

‘ I will no longer be running the washing machine in the night. You are wrong to insist on it as it’s a fire risk and it disturbs my routine/sleep. Now we have solar panels, it’s best to run it during daylight hours so please stop trying to control me’

Has he been to the GP - ssris might help him chill a bit?

As opposed to the damage your husband is doing now to both of your children? He is abusing you and your children.
You need to keep a diary of every incident, contact Women's Aid for support and start planning your exit. You owe it yourself and your children. Do you really think he would get 50/50 if his controlling and abusive behaviour is recorded? Time to start planning and take action.

Go and speak to a divorce lawyer OP. You don't need to act on it straight away but it might give you some clarity about what your future will look like without this complete arse in your life.

Sorry to be pedantic but he is not pedantic. He is a controlling bully. Please go to a solicitor and get some advice. Neither of you are being a good role model to your children. You need to start planning your escape.

Pedantry isn’t ruining the lives of those around you.

The whole vibe of this post is of an incredibly irate man controlling his household with little or no push back. How did it get to this point and can you see a future that’s joyful?

Your examples are not what pedantic mean. He’s a controlling aggressive bully but I think also he may be pedantic in your everyday life which is why you’ve described him like that.
You can’t carry on like this for yourself and you have an obligation to your children to not let them live like this.
Start changing yourself rather than focussing on what your husband is doing and why he’s doing it. The only thing you need to know is that he is doing it and you can’t tolerate it so start either standing up for your children or get out of there.

I don't understand posts like this. It seems like a cry for help and advice from others yet anything anyone suggests is always batted off "oh no can't do that because XYZ" "that's not a option" "that isn't do-able" what exactly do you want or need??

You said your son is autistic with ADHD, it can be passed on from a parent and it seems your husband is more autistic than anything else:
He is set in his ways
Rigid thinking
Can't bare noise (that's why he wants quiet at the table)
It's his way or it's the wrong way and no in-between as he cannot see other peoples points of view
He is having meltdowns due to normal every day occurrences.

You need to get him tested for it. If anything maybe even sectioned. Either way this behaviour is not pedantic, it's controlling and abusive and seen as you're hell bent on staying you have to get him seen to my some kind of professional. Your boys will be seeing all this and it will have huge impact on them later in life.

He’s not pedantic as others have said he’s abusive and controlling.

Ok I’ve read your update and I understand why you are reluctant to leave. Autism and adhd don’t allow him to behave like this Scot free. If you stood up for yourself would he be violent towards you? I understand why you would want him to have your children alone if you split this is a worry for many women and why they stay in relationships for so long and I don’t have any answers other than try to make it as tolerable as possible for the children until you’re in a position to leave.
You aren’t responsible for him

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters you need to stand up for your children. And yourself.

If he shouts at them to be quiet when they're having a meal discussion then tell him NO. "They're just talking which is normal at the meal table so you're being unfair. If you want to eat in silence I suggest you go elsewhere".

As for his driving then I wouldn't let him drive.

Why doesn't he work more than a couple of days a month?

You need to tell him some home truths. Tell him he is sucking the joy out of life.

What advice are you giving the OP? Just because you have normalised your husband's abuse of you and your dd, why would you advocate it for OP and hers?
Your husbands suspected autism does not give him an excuse to abuse. No one should be sacrificing their own mental and physical wellbeing and that of their children, just because someone shows 'traits of ASD'.
Tired of seeing it as an excuse on here.

Have you thought of ringing Womens Aid @Internationalwomendayheadquarters ? Or even contacting Rights of Women for any advice on how to get out of this relationship?

I understand where you're coming from OP but I grew up in a house like that with a 'd'F who did this and was also far worse. My DM enabled him and never questioned his awful behaviour and as a consequence I dislike them both for those different reasons. Yes, it'll be hard to consider separating but please, can you at least think about it...he sounds like a nasty bully. 😕

He’s controlling. It’s an abusive relationship and staying with him will do more damage to your kids then divorce

no one wants to get divorced. I didn’t but ex is a drinker and I had to say no more to protect my dd

why does he work 1-2 days a month v you fulltime

you don’t have a joint account as you are right he would drain it - so would my ex and why we didn’t have one either

you can not live like this for another 10yrs + till adults /late teens

Omfg he sounds like my father growing up it's not pedantic it's a controlling bully..
We weren't allowed to talk at meal times
Weren't allowed to speak to him when he came home from work
Weren't allowed to kiss the dog!! ...yes I know this one is hard to believe!
If my mum,me and sister were laughing and having funny,he told up to shut up,latterly when my mother was dying we were laughing and joking,he told us to shut up he didn't want to hear it,I told him to shut up and fuck off into another room if he didn't like it,we weren't going to stop, and he did.
These are just a few examples, I could bore u with 100s more. Thankfully we're estranged from him now,I haven't seen him for 15 years,don't know if he's still alive.
Please please get rid of your arsehole husband, don't put your kids through what we grew up with. X

Your family life will get A LOT worse through the teen years. This is not healthy, sustainable or tolerable. You need to sit him down and tell him you need agency in your own life and so do the kids or the family will have to break up. You need to match his energy on the "non-negotiables" except yours won't be harmful bs. Sounds like his Dad sees eye to eye with you? That may help. He needs to be diagnosed/ therapy/ whatever but failing that, I hope you find the confidence and resilience to put an end to this damaging situation.

You do know that he can't behave like that without being arrested? You are not as trapped as you seem to think. He needs to fuck off! Only works 2 days a month? What?! He's taking the piss. You need to realise you would be entitled to free yourself from this situation. Sounds like you've normalised it. Please obtain some guidance from places like Women's Aid and Citizens Advice. You do not have to continue living with him. If anything, him kicking off may solve your worry about him having the kids 50%. Your solicitor would argue thats not safe.

There is an 80% chance that a child's neurodiversity is inherited, so it's quite likely that your husband has autism at least.
Would he consider couple therapy with a counselor who specializes in neurodiverse relationships? Whilst there are likely underlying reasons for his behavior, there is no way it should go unchallenged or be acceptable in the household.

Some of the most interesting conversations with our kids took place over meals. I find the fact he thinks it's ok for him to watch TV/listen to the radio but not interact with his children at mealtimes particularly weird, sometimes the only time the whole family is together is mealtimes.

This. He’s being controlling and sounds tediously neurotic, but not pedantic - I mean, maybe he is, but not in these examples.

I'll add to the chorus of this is not him being pedantic but controlling.

He is a control freak. What a miserable git. Stand up for yourself and to him. Start a conversation at meal times, if he shouts tell him to eat his meal somewhere else. Refuse to get in the car with him . Do the washing during the day.

I don't understand why you're not already looking for a way out. You seem quite adamant that your current situation absolutely cannot change, but equally are clear that it's intolerable both for you and your DC. Please contact a women's aid charity or something similar to get some concrete advice on how you can extricate yourself and your DC from this unsustainable situation. You say that your DH won't allow you to live in the house without him. Why? Does he own it solely or are you both on the mortgage? Your SEN DC doesn't cope well with change, but are you assuming that he's doing fine with the situation as it is. It may be that your DH should be forced to move out in order to minimise the disruption for your DC. Or it may be that you and your DC will need to move elsewhere. But something needs to be done here. You're all walking on eggshells and that's only going to get worse as DC get older.