AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

It doesn't matter what he "sees" - the law will decide who gets what, not him.

Are you sure he'd really want them half the time? Men don't generally want to do all the work of parenting solo, even that much.

If you file for divorce, there will be a financial settlement. He won't be able to keep the house just because he wants to. It sounds like he wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage anyway?

Please don't subject your children to a life like this. I grew up in a home that sounds like yours and trust me, children know. I had a no idea what was normal or not and subsequently chose a husband like my father. Is this what's going on for you?

You need to organise yourself.
You and your children are being bullied, abused, and controlled.

This is extremely damaging to your children.

You need to seek advice and support from local domestic abuse charities.

You need to contact Women's aid.

Your children deserve better than this.
It will only get worse.

You are clearly afraid of him.
Please find the strength to get help and protect your children.

They are of an age that you can self report to social services and ask for their help too.

He’s a bully. Mealtimes are for chatting and it’s where you hear stories from everyone’s day. Why does your DH believe he can dictate the times you are allowed to use the washing machine ?

I couldn’t live like that and it’s not fair on your children. Next mealtime, suggest to your DH that he goes into another room if he wants quietness but you are going to chat with your children during the meal. Put on a load of washing when it suits you and ignore any complaining, just don’t engage.

Bring your children to a fast food restaurant occasionally. Buy them sweets occasionally. You don’t actually need your DH’s permission or actually tell him what they have or have not eaten. Next time you declutter, bring the items to a charity shops/clothes bin/tip straight away without mentioning it to him.

OP, go and get some decent legal advice before you decide to put up with this forever. You’re worried about it destroying him but it’s destroying you and impacting the children. You may also find he’s a better day if he only has to parent 50% of the time.

You get your ducks in a row, speak to women’s aid and/or rights of women and report him for coercive control. When he’s arrested apply for an occupation order etc.

It won’t be quick but it is doable.

I’m a man and he sounds like a tyrant

I'm 55 and fight getting "set in my ways" but your DH is being a miserable old bastard. Sorry op

This is not pedantic this is controlling weird behaviour

Now you see...THAT is pedantic. Twatish but in no way abusive like the piece of shit you live with. Poor, poor children. I see the boarding school thread is going strong. May I suggest that this is one situation where children are better off out of the family?

Look up Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. He fits right in.

I would leave over this. Did you sign up to be under the thumb of some kind of angry drill sergeant when you got married ? Your children are going to flee this house of horras soon as they can.

Has his father ever had an autism assessment or has it been mentioned? There’s no excuse for his behaviour but the rigid black and white thinking, hoarding, and routines like the radio must be listened to when eating screams autism to me. There is often a genetic component.

I came here to say this

This is a bizarre thread. By which I mean: you know he’s autistic and has ADHD but you’re still asking if you’re being over sensitive about his behaviour? What are you trying to get out of this?

I do hope you somehow find a way out of this relationship, though. Wish you and your DC all the best.

You can't live like this@Internationalwomendayheadquarters. Get rid of him for you and your children's sake

Christ on a bike poor you and your poor kids

get some proper legal advice about where you stand rather than wringing your hands and saying "he won't accept, he won't like". You have to be stronger than that which sucks but unfortunately you appear to have married a cunt

oh and he definitely won't actually want 50/50 - he'll just say he does to scare you into not disobeying him

Knew it was adhd. I could have written this post. Sounds like he isn’t on medication. Mine isn’t. Wasted 18 years of my life. Have 2 lovely kids though.
he is so controlling but I had to leave to set an example to my kids.

This is exactly me. My own father was like this but much, much worse. I think that’s why I’ve normalised this for so long.

What the hell?? Why are you letting him bully and abuse your babies?! The fact they are older as well is shocking, how have you sat back for 10 years and accepted this? Your poor children.. your 10 year old sounds like he has had no childhood and he only has a few years left of it.

Just for clarity: my son, aged 8, has ADHD and is autistic. This is why I’m worried about any changes for him, including a potential divorce. He doesn’t cope well with change.

DH is not diagnosed with anything but he possibly has certain traits.

Take it from one who sadly knows, this behaviour will escalate, it will damage your children and ultimately destroy you.

Please, please get legal advice and begin getting your ducks in a row.

I really wish I’d posted what was going on with me and with hindsight I know exactly what I’d have been told.

It is such a horrible situation to be in and I totally understand how hard it is to consider rocking the boat but there is a life on the other side and it’s a considerably happier and less stressful one.

Your children have had to endure an abusive home for a lot of their childhood. You know full well as a parent that is not ok and you need to get rid of him. It doesn’t matter what HE wants, stop letting him tell you, the kids won’t want to go to him for 50% of the time, you know this surely if you know your kids?! They are older and can decide as well!!!! A lot of solicitors offer 30 minutes free, there’s so much you could be doing for yourself and your children. Please stop trying to make excuses and normalise his behaviour. This is just as bad as physical abuse. As someone who works in Children’s Services, the short and long term damage that is being done to them is awful..

Jesus. So because he has SEN you would rather him continue living in an abusive household than go through a change that will make his life 100% times better?!? This is wild.

That’s awful not to let the children talk at mealtimes. Chat at mealtimes is one of the best times for family time. He is controlling and abusive, and this will damage your children. You need to get yourself and the kids away from him.