AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

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DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

Why on earth are you with this weapons-grade bellend?

The first point, where nobody can speak at mealtimes so he can listen to the radio is enough for me to see there is something very wrong. This is NOT normal or ok for your family. Meals are a time of connection, not complete control.

Have you ever just told him to shut up and fuck off ? He's an abusive wanker .

Your DH sounds like he is definitely autistic.
That doesn't exclude his behaviour, but it does perhaps explain it. Understand that at the moment you don't want to consider divorce, but clearly you need to make him understand the impact of his behaviour. Dealing with plenty of autistic people (and more than likely being undiagnosed myself), I can guarantee that something like an ultimatum is probably going to make everything 10x worse. If he wasn't this bad before, is it possible he is in burnout? Have a read up on autistic burnout and see if any of it sounds familiar.
I haven't read all the comments, but I'm probably going to go against what everyone else is telling you here... I think you need to handle this gently, sensitively and basically baby him.

He is seriously abusive.

Making the children sit silently during meals is awful. Meals are meant to be for conversations. It’s a horrible behaviour from him.

I meant they’re all awful but that’s absolutely shocking.

Making you do the laundry at night seems cruel too - presumably this interferes with you getting enough sleep?

It sounds to me that he has PDA traits of autism which would explain (not excuse) his behaviour with regards to control.
He sounds like he possibly has OCD with regards to his particularity over certain things as well.
And definatley sounds overstimulated by family life..
Sorry you're going through this, fully ND household, I'm married to a PDAer and have 3 PDA kids as well and it's a challenge.

Could you perhaps just speak to a solicitor with regards to your rights on this one? So that you know if things get too much what you can do with regards to contact and finances.? You can often get free advice. Or speak to an organisation like womens aid, just for advice because it is abuse and even if you're not ready now, there may be a time when you need to leave.
Remember your happiness matters too in all of this.
Staying for your son or worrying about it destroying your partner isn't going to end well for you.. Can you imagine spending the rest of your days dealing with this? .

He's behaving like this, in front of your kids so what example is it setting them? How is constantly being told to shut up effecting them? Especially your ND child who may be extra sensitive to rejection?
Trust me, I was told to shut up, that I was going to be put in a home, that I was stupid, amongst other things and can't ever remember feeling 'safe' as a child and I've carried that into adulthood with me, having very few happy memories of growing up and that's really sad.

I absolutley understand your fear of how to move forward with this but please start to think about getting your ducks in a row, for the sake of you and your kids.

Seeing your mum be abused and being abused is far worse for kids than the short term downsides of a divorce.

Perhaps it's time to put them in a new school far, far away...

The only problem is that you are still with this abusive and controlling man. Leave.

Would he respond to calm discussion and agree to things if brought up in advance at a different time? For example, could you tell him that you understand listening to the tv/radio at mealtimes are things he enjoys but it’s difficult for the rest of you to eat in silence. Could you agree to a compromise? Either certain days it is switched off, or he/you all eat somewhere else or whatever works? With the sweets, could you find out what exactly is his concern. Is it about the impact of sugar on teeth? Is it the hyperactivity they may bring? Something else? The driving behaviour with overtaking needs to stop. Again, a discussion whilst not in the car would be best. My first thought on reading your post was OCD tendencies but nothing was said about intrusive thoughts. He definitely sounds neurodiverse though. If so, a good thing there is there’s probably a particular reason for each behaviour (not just being a d*ck) and if you can both puzzle out the reason, you will be able to see the edges and work around it together.

My DH is very paticular about dishwasher loading, hanging up washing in the "right" way on a clothes dryer, nags the DC (aged 8 and 6) to tidy up and shouts if they don't, and is particularly shouty when WFH and then they argue too much.

He knows he's pretty OCD/anal about so much stuff, but he's always been like this since I've known him (nearly 20 years ago!). So, solidarity OP, but your DH sounds like the next level up.

I suspect my DH is probaby autistic and I know everything is attributed to this these days, but i actually think he probably is.

Sending hugs, it's tiring to live with at times.

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

I only got this far. It isn’t pedantic but it is unbelievably rude. Awful.

This is a time for everyone in the family to get a chance to talk to each other.

This is hypocrisy not pedentry. It's dreadful parenting behaviour on his part to discourage children from chatting at meal times. He should turn the radio and TV off and use meal times to ask them about their day/school/ activity . He can always use cath up to listen to radio/ watch TV programmes later . He will regret this we hen your children become surly disengaged teenagers.

Contact a support service such as women's aid or the council domestic abuse hub ...... you need to be out of the relationship for the sake of yourself and your children.
I fled domestic abuse with 12yo and 9yo who are both ASD and ADHD. They found the change tricky but were happier being in a situation that wasnt always us walking on eggshells, afraid and sad. In fact within a year both had asked why we had stayed with dad so long.

Your child's ND came from somewhere. I suspect your DH's rigidity is partly based in that. However, that is no excuse for your children to have to suffer at his hands. What happens when they become teenagers and say no to him, or start to push back, or do things that cause him anxiety? It will happen. If it's anything like my father's reaction to these things, they will never forget it. Oh, and I hold my mother responsible for not protecting us from it by leaving. Yes, it was that bad and I vowed that my own children would never have to live with that sort of thing.

The barking us at during the news if we made the slightest sound was established pretty young. My mother got my father to start watching the later news instead, which worked out, but I still remember.

Honestly this 100%.
I know you think you are protecting your children right now, but this is damaging their self worth in so many ways, and it is setting an example for them of the kind of treatment you believe is acceptable from a spouse. Also you might think you are hiding things from them and protecting them but it is incredible what children quietly see and absorb without you realising. Do you want to see them make those kind of choices later on down the line in their own relationships and friendships? Because this is what they are being shown is normal and acceptable behaviour towards those that you are meant to love most in the world.
What happens when they get older and start asserting their own independence and needs more? What happens if they want to make choices your husband doesn't like or agree with? Can you see him giving them the space and support they will need to build their own paths in life? Children have walked out of home and never looked back for situations with overly controlling parent/s. Be careful of how you want your future relationships with your children to be as well as how things are now, you need to look ahead too.
Also is there any possibility your youngest child might thrive more if you are not all collectively treading on eggshells at home. It means home is not really their safe space.
If you were to separate/divorce wouldn't controlling behaviour be taken into account when working out arrangements for your children, and also their own preferences as they are old enough to say what they would like?

Pedantic or a controlling bastard?

Agree that behaviour is controlling and unreasonable. Your husband sounds autistic or depressed, which may exacerbate /manifest as obsessive compulsive traits.Whatever is going on meaningful discussions about change will be challenging. Is it safe and healthy to stay? Do you love him? What are his strengths and qualities? Any significant context? .

Contact domestic violence support like refuge and ask for advice. This is very controlling behaviour- whether due to narcissistic tendencies or potentially (at a stretch undiagnosed MH / ASD) but either way it’s abusive. Please contact DV for advice before telling him to F off like the other replies suggest xxx

My dad to a tee. He has either got a personality disorder, is a narcissist or is ND and has been undiagnosed his whole life. I suspect a combination. But he’s an absolute nightmare in all these ways. Obsessed with plastics recycling, full commentary when driving about everyone else, won’t waste anything at all and keeps all sorts of crap, will only do laundry when the sun is out and never at the same time as the electric shower, will only eat in certain places he’s comfortable with. YANBU - it’s tedious, controlling, boring and annoying. It’s also definitely not acceptable or normal to that degree. Get your children and you out of there.

If you don’t leave him can you have dinner separately? What else do you protected your kids from? What would happen if you said no to the washing thing or ice cream?

Your son will deal with a divorce a hell of a lot better than the next ten years living with an abusive father.

Least worst is a divorce. And you will get the house on the basis of financial input and the kids. If he breaks in....win, because then he is arrested and you get a non mol. There is an upside to their crazy, trust me. Basically, they take themselves down.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s not a keeper.

Leave him to have his dinner with the radio on and take your kids for a Big Mac is my advice. Have one yourself and start thinking about how you can get out of being married to a controlling abusive wanker.

Before talking with him, get your own legal advice. He won't get to keep the house because he won't budge, it will all be thrashed out via financial arrangements.

Just imagine the lovely family dinners you and the children will have, in your own home without this awful man.

Why do you do the laundry when he barely works (to bring in cash) and then you let him dictate when it is done?

Why don’t you suggest two eating areas, one for talkers one for news listeners?

He is one of those sad men, and yes I would say this to his face, who thinks he is king of the world ego but actually can only exert control over you, kids and house, and he only does that because you let him.

I wouldn’t do it whilst driving but I would point out his aggressive driving is clearly trying to make up for his micro-penis, macho display of big dick energy, such a guy, well done babe.

Or if you can’t be as confrontational as that I would go down the psychological warfare route, by using decent role models and swoon over them effectively. For example how George Clooney and Amal talk about human rights over dinner and how George married up! I would be swooning and praising traits and individuals who are the exact opposite to him.

When driving and a knob who needs to get past regardless of safety our car says “micropenis” or “big dick energy eh” - occasionally we see amazing driving on the road, safe, caring for those around (think hazard lights as soon as they see a blockage ahead to help slow down those behind) and we swoon over that. “Amazing driving blue (we name cars according to colour)”

We read the weekend papers and if you look there are usually stories of wonderful people, we do this for the kids as role models and examples that counteract what can be described as toxic masculinity, which is what your H is displaying, praising their good ideas and engagement or drive to make the world a little bit better or to give back not just take.

Or how some men are not toxic.

There are ways to express your dislike indirectly, you might have to be prepared to have a stand up row and not back down from time to time but it gets easier.

How about friends? Does he have any? Any you can talk to?

All this might of course be a gamble and he goes nuclear and you split up, would that be a bad thing? You say he would want the kids 50/50 but once they get to 12 they can have independent input and their preferences have to be taken into accommodation.

Basically I would continuously ruffle his ego feathers, if you can’t leave, he would be under no delusion that I found his controlling prick energy attractive, he wouldn’t be getting any sex, I would sigh, roll my eyes, yawn (no one likes to be thought as boring yawning and saying yes yes I know boring barking orders alert yes m’lord), use sarcasm, humour and generally just ignore him and do what I felt was right regardless.

As you say he sucks the joy out of life, I hope you tell him that, and childhood is so very short for it to be devoid of joy is a waste.