AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

It’s the number one phrase from an abusive man “if you leave I’ll take the kids 50%” ..

You know your husband probably has Autism and ADHD as well? He's been masking his whole life, was fine in his own space and now that space contains children who he can't control. You need to support your son but suggest you need to find support/counselling for you and your husband too, to help understand how you both see the culture and behaviours in the home.

I have read most of your replies to others and I’m afraid it isn’t just a case of him being controlling or pedantic - he is a bully.
Bully’s are abusive in any relationship and I don’t mean with just you.
Unfortunately It’s now at a stage where you are putting your children through what you went through as a child.
They are witnessing his horrible behaviour and will be influenced either by your behaviour towards him or his behaviour towards you.
What happens when you say ‘No’ to him or stand up to him?
Is he ever physically abusive with you or the children??
Does he ever apologise?
Have you ever told him he needs to sort his attitude out? (He can’t be happy living like that) Or, tell him he needs to see someone about his behaviour.
Do you realise that abuse is not just physical? Keep a record of each and every incident, no matter how little, and pay a visit to women’s aid centre just to get advice or even support.
Get legal documents sorted with a solicitor incase he takes things a different way than you do. You don’t seem to want to leave him so you need to play smarter and have things in writing or observed/witnessed by others.
I was you a few years ago.
Why does he only work 1-2 days a week? If you mention it does his ego suffer??
I also paid a visit to my local police station to chat and inform them of what was going on (I hadn’t left him at this stage) but the police red flagged my address meaning they would be straight out if a call came in. X

To be perfectly frank he was probably already too old and set in his ways to become a dad. I had my kids in my early 40s so I’m not saying it to be rude, but his personslity is a disaster as an older parent to young children.

He is doing an appalling job of parenting.

You’re on the wrong thread.

Would dh go and see about possible adhd or autism assessment

As someone who grew up with an abusive parent who the other parent didn’t ever leave but tried to shield me from - they’re already impacted. You all deserve a much better life than this. Who owns the house? I’m so pleased you have your own money! I would get some legal advice and consider leaving and let him fight you for custody. The kids are at an age where their opinions and feelings count for where they live.

Then you know this bullying behaviour is something your kids need saving from, and that you are the only potential hero in the frame to save them. It IS NOT your fault but it is now sadly your choice whether they have to live with this every day or not. Document his abuse, find the support and then have him removed from the family home. I know it’s easy to type and horrendous to do, but you are strong and brave and you know that this control and bullying of you all is wrong.

Think she might be on the wrong site

Please stick up for your children OP. They should be able to talk at the table, or enjoy treats without him kicking off - unfortunately you are the only one that can protect them from him.

Op pedantic is someone who wants to show off their knowledge and come across as superior by pointing out minor irrelevant errors.

your husband is controlling.and abusive. Would he really want the kids 50 percent of tn4 time. Are you sure, or are you making reasons not to leave as you’re scared?

You’re living in a dictatorship, he’s a controlling abuser. He won’t want the children 50:50, or if he starts that way it won’t last, he can’t cope with them now. Please for your sake and the sake of the children, make plans to leave. Live your lives in peace. I guarantee that parenting won’t be an issue.

Get out of there OP! This is controlling and obsessive. No partner should "go ballistic" a our anything, or make you feel you can't pop a wash on or get the kids an ice cream - this is mad. If you're changing how you want to live purely based on his whims then you need to leave because it's genuinely dangerous.
This also all sounds unreasonable anyway (if it was reasonable requests, it's not ok to go ballistic but at least his ideas would be ok) - nobody can talk at meal times!? This is learning basic social behaviour for your kids, dinner table chat is a life skill. Not experiencing a fast food restaurant, whilst nutritionally healthy, is going to make them feel odd at school/with friends. Driving dangerously because he has an ego problem is literally risking their lives.
Please get out of there.

The point of mealtimes is to be together/chat.

He is so rude listening to the radio/tv!

Not for the first time today I've read a mother suggesting it will be better for her children to be abused with a little attempted ineffective defence rather than protecting the children and showing them a happy life. These are their years of emotional development OP...you can't wait and attempt to undo damage...you prevent it

And you don't think the environment DS is in now isn't contributing?...not being allowed to talk and everything he eats?..
Your husband is a narcissistic bully.
You need go leave...for the sake of the children..and you know it.
They will tear you to pieces in future years for ruining their lives by not protecting them from him.

My apologies for misunderstanding / badly reading your posts. I do understand the worry about changes as my brother is autistic also. Only you know if a change such as divorce is something that you can help him through but I can’t believe he would be better off staying in that kind of environment.

Your situation is extremely difficult for sure and I can only reiterate that I hope you find a way out.

@InternationalwomendayheadquartersPS I agree like other posters that your DH screams autistic also.

This sounds like behaviour you would have known about before getting married and having kids no? Because i disagree with all the 'he sounds like a dick' responses. To me he sounds like he has some form of OCD / autism and would recommend you talking to him about it and him getting help / diagnosed. I know it's super late in his life but assuming you loved him for one reason or another at one point despite this and maybe having kids has elevated his symptoms and your awareness of it. My husband has certainly got a form of autism (undiagnosed) and he masks it very well but he has quite low tolerance for things like our 3 year old singing wildly out of tune! He winces and I know he should just enjoy it as much as I do...but he is very affected by noise and unable to filter out conflicting sounds but he's good at masking so he's not telling her to be quiet
He just suffers through thankfully!

Nope… as a man I’m telling you that he is being a dick!! He is also a controlling narcissist and I would be very careful as he will get worse

If your son has ADHD snd SEN then you owe it to him to get away from his father. Why? Because if you don’t he will never grow up to be the successful, functioning, man you would like. He will end up emulating his father as that eill be his normal male role model. He will expect to dominate and control the eomen in his life. He will learn to be inflexible and to rely on rigid, sngry, outbursts to control those around him.

You owe it to your children to get them away from living under the shadow of this man. A few years of stress snd “I don’t like change” from your don are a very small price to pay to gift your children a world of freedom. And when you show your son that you prize his freedom and that as s family you can get through the upheaval of s separation you are also fostering resilience and building your son’s capacity for courage and energy. If you are not afraid of change he can learn not to be afraid too. Do hard things for your children. They will thank you for it.

That’s disgusting. He sounds incredibly militant and controlling. The specific example of insisting the TV/radio are on at mealtimes is also very bad for children.

Go and see a lawyer and find out your possibilities. I would think a court would take a very poor view of him trying to force his way into the house and claiming it as his when it's the children's home and your child with SEN requires consistency of abode. Secondly, don't assume all change is bad for your child with SEN. How tense is OH making the family? How much better might life be for you and the other children without OH and would that new ambience benefit all of you? Would your OHbe likely to achieve 50% custody given his behaviour? Could he afford to fight for it if he only works 2 days a month? You seem to have persuaded yourself you can't do much about this situation but it sounds like an utterly exasperating and joyless experience. In the interim, feed yourself and the children separately and let the black hole of misery fend for himself.

With all due respect what are you teaching you're children. To put up with someone you don't love or respect. Sort a divorce out and don't use your sons adhd as an excuse to stay thats nonsense.