AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

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DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

Hate to be pedantic but this isn't being pedantic, this is being a prick

First post nails it

He’s a controlling, abusive bully. Do you share finances op?

No, we don’t share finances.

Yeah, that’s not what pedantic means. He’s just a dickhead.

This is controlling behaviour. He doesn't get to decide how you parent your children, that's somwthing you need to decide together

The first one is wild!

Tonight it was particularly poor. The two eldest ones (10 and 8) were actually discussing the holocaust. He told them to shut up.

Remove yourself and dc from this horrible parent, please.
It is the only solution

He sounds like a right dick, has he always been like this? How old is he? I only ask because he sounds like a miserable old man. What would happen if you told him to live a little?

Sounds like he’s got very rigid thinking. Just tell him to fuck off.

Pointing out that a mate says Pacific not specific is pedantic. Your DH can't even be a shit consistently. Who drives like an arse AND is obsessed over mpg

He’s got very rigid thinking. He’s 55 and I’m 40.

i thought you were going to say he reloads the dishwasher or is fussy about where things go, but this is next level.
He told your DC to shut up while discussing the Holocaust? He really is an unpleasant man. Was he like this prior to you marrying/having DC?

He’s also like this about the dishwasher - funnily enough, it works absolutely fine when he’s away and I load it!

He wasn’t really like this before, but now I feel like he takes all the joy out of life.

Often these things are the other way round, as in lots of mums ask for the exact same things, but as in any relationship, you both have to agree. Discuss, both compromise so you each get what's most important, then have a united front wit the kids.

This isn't being pedantic, this is being a controlling, abusive wanker.

There’s a lot going on in your post. First step, children should have mealtimes where people talk to each other rather than listening to the radio. It’s an important skill.
Either he takes his radio and his meal somewhere else, or you and the Dc do. In this weather, outside is an option.

Do one problem area at a time. Stay really calm and don’t criticise him. Just state how things are going to be. He can do what he likes, but so can you and the Dc.

What would happen if you said "NO" to him about any of his orders.

You’re using words like pedantic to cover up/hide from the fact your husband is an over controlling twat and you don’t like his behaviour, maybe you’re also a bit afraid of him.

I feel sorry for your children OP, being kept in that environment.

Tell him to fuck off for a start and run the house how you want and don't have him as a passenger.

Washing machines are also a fire hazard and shouldn't be ran at night.

Very controlling. You have a problem on your hands. He is not a good person. just the driving alone would drive me mad (actually it did as my ex did this which is why he is my ex - obviously wasn’t the only wankerish behaviour that made me chuck him out).
How dare he not allow any talking at dinner so he can listen to what he wants. What a selfish person. Also the food control is likely to do much harm in the future.

I wouldn’t allow this behaviour in my home, he sounds ancient for 55 and needs to enter the modern era or get gone imo.

He’s a controlling bully and you need to separate as soon as you can. Good luck.

How do you live with this? I would've thought the obvious answer was you don't.

If he isn't going to ever change (him going ballistic over nothing as you say), then please, get out. I don't say this lightly but please get those children out of this before damaged permanently.

The person doing the laundry decides when to do it. If he wants to do it at night that's fine, but he doesn't get to tell you when to do it. And it's up to YOU when to buy sweets for your kids and what to talk about during mealtimes.

Tell him to fuck off OP!