AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

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DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

I know it’s difficult in these situations but I always try and think, is this the kind of relationship I want to model for my children. I.e would I be telling my adult dc this is acceptable and to just put up with it. If the answer is no, then you know it’s time to make a change.

If you’re not going to leave him though at least make him eat alone with the tv/ radio for company and you and the children have a normal meal without him around. Your children shouldn’t be afraid to speak in their own home.

Where are you in this relationship? I'm sorry but you allow this to happen so you are part of the problem. Grow up, start having a voice in this relationship and start parenting your kids.

Only just checking in this morning. Leaving just isn’t an option; if I leave, he’ll have the DC for 50% of the time and then I won’t be able to protect them. I do shield them from so much.

I’m not happy here though and I’m just doing my best. The DC are very vulnerable, especially my middle one who has SEN and I’m trying so hard to keep things stable for him.

He doesn't sound pedantic, he sounds incredibly controlling- he needs to relax his iron grip on all your lives, as you don't share finances I suggest you try a trial with him living somewhere else, oh and never let him drive if there are children in the car.

The trouble is, that will never happen.

He sees this house as ‘his house’ as he spent a lot of time building the extension (which I paid the lion’s share of).

He will never leave here. I feel very stuck. I can’t leave the children here with him on their own.

His behaviour is abusive, not pedantic. Please contact a domestic abuse charity such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women for advice on how to safely leave him or make him leave. Do you have money of your own that you can use to consult a solicitor about getting a divorce?

What would happen if you just refused to follow his ridiculous rules?

Op—this sounds miserable and so hard. In your situation you need to look at the long term impact. You run the risk of ruining your relationship with your children by staying with him. As adults they’ll reflect on their childhood and wonder why you didn’t leave, why you allowed them to live in this tense household.

I see your perspective on 50/50, the house, etc. However, not a good enough reason to keep them in this situation 100% of the time.

How old are your kids? He might not get 50/50.

When you say you protect them from so much, and you can’t leave the kids alone with him, what do you mean? What haven’t you included so far that means the kids need protecting?

He wasn’t really like this before, but now I feel like he takes all the joy out of life.

There is so much going on here.

Did his controlling behaviour and rigidity start when you had children? Is it possible that he simply cannot cope with family life?

I note he is much older than you. It gives him an inbuilt ‘authority’ over you, plus he may not have the same energy and patience as a younger father.

You don’t share finances - why? Does he earn more? Is he in control of finances as well? I note you paid for major home improvements; I hope you can document this, if ever you were to divorce.

Presumably you have tried to reason with him - how does he respond? Have you actually tried to stand up to him and say “No, we are not doing this?”

Lots of questions, but the bottom line is that he is controlling and borderline abusive - and clearly not cut out to be a husband and father.

Could you make a small change?

Just start doing the washing when you want to do it. If he says anything, tell him you prefer during the day. Dont engage beyond that.

It's your house? Just change the locks while he is out, having discussed taking a break. Possession is NOT nine tenths of the law , and never was- you will find out just how bad he is if you do this, just assuming something is yours does not make it so.

Are you sure he will want the children 50-50?

It sounds to me as if staying will damage them further. He’s abusive, OP.

And you only get one life. I realise it will be difficult to leave, but for your mental health and peace of mind, could you consider it?

This post seems to nail it - he just isn’t coping with family life.

He definitely doesn’t have the same energy or patience as I do.

We don’t share finances as I don’t trust him to take my money away. I’ve worked hard all my life to get to where I am now and I do have more assets than he does, which I’m trying to protect for the sake of the children.

Yes, I’ve got some documents about house extension invoices etc.

I work full time. He works 1-2 days a month.

Is this a serious suggestion? Surely I can’t just change the locks when he’s out? He lives here too.

He's not pedantic, he's a bully. He won't get any better. He will just get more controlling. I appreciate that you feel you are protecting your children but you need to think about an exit plan. Living with a bully isn't healthy for children.

Yes, I think he would do, even though he isn’t coping at all right now. We have no family support and he just keeps reiterating how ‘we have no help’ constantly. It’s like a record on loop. I got over it ages ago.

Is the house in your name? I strongly suggest you get legal advice.

Have you ever tried pointing out to him that his obsession with overtaking is totally inconsistent with his obsession with saving petrol money.

Is your dc with special needs ND?

Yes but you don't want him to- he won't change , either you put up with his controlling behaviour or make him face up to it by moving out- you said he would never move out so he needs a push, especially as he hardly works at all , so is obviously not pulling his weight.

He’s autistic and has ADHD. He also hates change. I fear that if I instigate divorce, it will destroy him and cause a lot of damage.

Would he actually go to court to get 50/50 access to the children? It sounds like he might well not bother, and he won't get legal aid anyway. Also bear in mind that the older they get, the more their wishes get taken into account.

Sorry, edited as I totally misread the post.

There’s absolutely no way he’d let this happen. He would force himself back in- he’s very territorial about this house.

He’d rather smash a window and get in than let me live here undisturbed with the children.

I think you certainly need to threaten divorce if you have any hope of getting him to change.

Also, just start putting a wash on in the day, take the DC somewhere to eat and report his driving to the police!

If he kicks off about the washing machine or taking the DC out, report him to the police.

I personally think a washing machine/dishwasher on overnight is too much of a fire risk.

The DC are about old enough that their views will carry some weight in terms of custody. I would actually threaten your H with outside agencies now over hus behaviour towards the children. He sounds absolutely awful.