AIBU to wonder if my DH is pedantic or am I being oversensitive?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

DH is incredibly pedantic and I’ll try to give some specific examples as I don’t know if it’s just me being over-sensitive:

• He will insist that the children are quiet at meal times so that he can always listen to the radio or TV. Starts shouting if this rule is not upheld.

• Is obsessed with feeding the kids healthy meals. Over the summer, they are allowed one lolly/ ice cream a day. They have never been to a fast food restaurant as he would go mad. If I ever buy sweets, he goes ballistic.

• Is obsessed with his mpg in the car and if I’m driving, will always tell me what to do.

• Will not let me do laundry during the day - it has to be done during the night to save money. I’m the one who has invested in solar panels, but he pays electricity bills.

• Will never, ever chuck anything out and when I try to have a declutter, will go through the items and try and bring things back.

• when in the car, he gets fixated on overtaking the car in front and drives too quickly with the children. Both me and my FIL agree with this behaviour.

How do I live with this? Who’s the problem here?

What is he listening to and watching? Is it content suitable for children?

The combination of obsession over healthy food and not speaking at dinner is an odd one, normally health-obsessed parents are also big on family interaction and minimal screen time.

Your situation sounds awful OP. Why does he work so little, is he semi retired?

Call the ppolice and get a restraining order- every time anyone mentions action you can take you put up a limp reason why you can't do it.
You have already decided you and your children have to put up with his behaviour- why ask for advice when your mind is already made up?

My DH is like this with food too and it drives me mad. He insists the kids eat all their vegetables and makes comments if I have made an ‘unhealthy’ meal which to him would be something like pizza or chicken nuggets. We do generally eat pretty healthily and the kids don’t often have sweets etc and they don’t drink fizzy drinks. I take them to McDonalds probably about 3 or 4 times a year but usually do it when he’s not there because he just takes all the enjoyment out of it for the kids. It drives me mad and as much as I have tried to explain to him that he is the reason they may develop unhealthy relationships with food he just doesn’t get it. So I completely get your frustration with this one. I feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall with him on this and I just do my best to keep explaining to the kids that everything is good in moderation.

Sounds like you have a lot of other issues too though, not just about food.

It seems very likely that while his behaviour is appalling, it’s rooted in ND. There’s a long running support thread here somewhere for people with ND partners.

Given that your plan is to stay until your DC are older, to protect them, you could try reframing problem areas to help him change his behaviour. I’ve shifted some of DH’s more impactful behaviour this way.

Direct challenge or emotional confrontation doesn’t work in our relationship. It just increases stress which increases the behaviours.

And for the people who are about to come at me for diagnosing someone from my armchair, or for saying people with autism are abusive, or excusing abuse because of ND, I’m not at all. I’m making pragmatic suggestions for OP’s situation. Only she will know whether they are relevant.

Then you call the police.

What would you do if one of your pupils told you about a father like this, and told you how unhappy they were?
Again, it’s very tough but these children are being damaged now. While you afford them some level of protection, it’s not enough to shield them from harm.
It won’t ruin their life if you end this marriage. It will ruin things if you stay.
At 55 he is a lot older than you. But he’s not an old man by any means.
It will get worse as he gets older. It never gets easier.

If he's only working 1-2 days a month, is he contributing anything approaching his fair share of family expenses?

Tell him you're not putting the washing machine on at night because it's dangerous. If he's that bothered about the cost, you'll pay half the electricity bill, provided that he pays half of all the other bills.

Tell him that you and the children are going to behave like normal people and speak to each other at mealtimes, if he doesn't like it he can make his own meals and go and watch the TV or listen to the radio on his own in another room.

OP is this a typo? He works 1-2 days pm?

But at the moment they’re being taught 100% of the time that this dynamic is acceptable, normal and what they should expect themselves as adults.

At the moment, they have an emotionally safe place to live and develop during their childhood 0% of the time.

It’s so hard, I don’t know what the answer is and think you would benefit from help from professionals in safeguarding and domestic abuse but please don’t resign yourself to this life ‘for the kids’, because them being in an abusive and damaging environment 100% of the time cannot be best for them x

PLEASE, I urge to seek legal advice from a competent family (divorce) solicitor.

To find out how you can protect your assets and your contributions to major household expenditures, like the extension.

It is important not to 'co-mingle' your personal assets, but the longer you are married to him, the greater the risk that these will be seen as 'marital property'.

Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies are useful resources.

Agree. Who made him the boss of you all. Take your kids and leave. They probably dislike him already.

I’d advise you to seek legal advice to see what your position is. I’d also recommend that you contact Women’s Aid - they should be able to give you advice on how to deal with your h.

Growing up in an abusive environment 24/7 is damaging too.

You may be trying to shield them, but they're being told to shut up etc and can't express themselves freely. They're being taught that mummy makes herself small to placate the man, and to make themselves small too.

This will only get worse as they get older. How do you think your husband will respond to a teen challenging him? What sort of model of relationships will they have engrained as adults from this childhood?

Change is hard, but it might actually help your son's MH and development not to be in this high-stress environment and to get in an emotionally safe home.

Plenty of abusive men claim they will have the kids 50/50 but don't end up doing that. It's a control tactic.

Yes was also going to say Womens aid - this is an abusive relationship @Internationalwomendayheadquarters and you deserve support and guidance.
my DS has stayed with a controlling husband (also has autism) for the sake of their DD but to be fair he is a good, invested and interested Dad.
your H is none of these things.
he probably wouldn’t get 50/50, he would get EOW and one night a week.

He’s not ‘pedantic’, OP; he is a controlling, abusive cunt.

As if he'll stick to 50 50. He won't be bothered.

My friend thought this about her equally controlling husband. Also ADHD and almost certainly autistic, and has OCD.

She eventually divorced him and the lives of herself and her children were improved immeasurably as a result. The children still see him and are fond of him, but are teens now and both openly admit that they absolutely loathed actually having him live with them and that it was a huge relief when he finally moved out.

Your children are more important than him and he is currently affecting their lives negatively. You know what you need to do.

I bet they do

Honestly, your best option is to talk to a solicitor and find out your options. He can be as possessive as he likes about the house but realistically, if you split, one needs to buy the other out or the house gets sold.
On the flip side, that also means your money and assets are fair game so you could potentially bargain with them - he gets the house, you keep the money (depending on amounts etc).
Fundamentally, you sound scared (understandably) and he sounds like he’d like a life on his own.

Not an excuse, but have you/he considered he may also be ND? Doesn’t make a difference to how you deal with this really as you need to protect your dc regardless but may help to understand the reasons behind his behaviour.

If you’re not going to leave, you’ll need to build more flexibility into your life. Tell him he’ll need to eat elsewhere/on his own as you’ll be talking to the children at the table from now on.
Take the kids to McDs if you want to, he’s not the boss.

When you say he’ll go mad what do you mean? Shouting? Sulking? Aggression?

He sounds weird. What do the kids think of his behaviour?

I’d say neither - he’s dictatorial and you’re not being over-sensitive. My FIL is like this - he tried it with me so I left and stopped visiting. Maybe it’s time for you to leave your DH?

You are being too passive. You do have options because this man is abusive. Call women's aid. Get a solicitor. Let the police know what is happening. Nobody is going to save your children from this monster except you.

Exactly!

Please speak to a divorce lawyer and find out what your likely divorce outcome looks like - financially and in terms of custody. It may be better than you fear.

It doesn’t sound like anyone is benefitting from you staying married.

He sounds massively controlling - and unpleasant to live with. Please get some advice from Women’s aid and a solicitor. If he struggles with family life now, it will be even harder when the children are teens. You need to make a bid for the freedom that most of us take for granted as soon as you can - whether that is him leaving or you leaving with the children. What you describe is no way to live OP - sorry 💐