AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

Good grief. Once my 4 sons reached late teens it was hit or miss whether I would even see them on their birthday.

I didn't see DS 19 on his birthday - saw him weekend before as IL and DD1 had arranged to see him on his birthday before us. Worked out better with hoildays for us anyway.

DD1 arranged what she wanted to do for every birthday post 18 - she has seen us as it happens but that's been her choice.

I think posting MIL had a choice does mean there no runaway narrative happening in the family that can blow back on DD. She 20 - I'd say going out with boyfriend on birthdays and working is pretty normal behavior TBH.

Of course you shouldn’t have forced your adult daughter to spend her birthday appeasing a grown woman instead of doing what she wanted to do. Say nothing and let her sulk.

I'd honestly tell her to shut her moaning mouth and would make all birthday plans going forward something that did not include seeing MIL (but I'm extremely petty lol) when people try to control me I will purposely do things they cannot control. Daughter is 20, she's an adult and free to make her own decisions. I've learned over time that you can't please everyone so the best thing to do is please yourself and do the things you want to do and what makes you happy.

Honestly your MIL sounds like a massive tit. I'd make a point of responding to her group chat messages reminding her that she actually was invited over for tea with you all but she chose not to accept the invitation. Family will probably call her out on her lies but I wouldn't care when she's intentionally tried to publicly shame you and your husband for no real reason other than she hasn't got her own way. Also remind them that your daughter is a 20year old adult and you simply cannot demand how she spends her own birthday any more cos well she isn't a child. If family want to take sides they'll just look as stupid as MIL

Your husband needs to have words with his mum. Your DD is an adult she can do as she pleases

I have one the same and I put a stop to it on our daughter's 1st birthday . Ours is the eldest grandchild too. We threw a party for her the day before her birthday and we wanted to take her somewhere specific just with the two of us on her birthday as we had tickets. Think a grotto type photo shoot experience as she's an Xmas baby, and only day we could get a booking was her birthday. Good enough for everyone else, but not mil. Had her crying in hysterics, but I won't get to see her on her actual birthday .... Trying to guilt trip dh who was about to cave. No chance I was letting it slide it it would have been forever. She has form for guilt tripping him into things he doesn't want to do. So I stood firm, told her no, she's one and won't even know so what the issue in seeing her the afternoon before? She hasn't done it to any further grandkids so by my reckoning they all owe me one 🤣

Is your adult daughter not on this group chat? I guess not because presumably if she were she’d be telling her manipulative, childish grandmother where to go.
If she isn’t, all you need to politely say is please don’t talk about my daughter behind her back and btw I don’t control what another adult does on their birthday.
It doesn’t need to be confrontational, just straightforward.

Shes 20!!! Don't be ridiculous 🙄

I would have asked to clarify how you have “stopped her from seeing her grandchild”
State that she was invited for food, and that your daughters birthday is about your daughter not her!

She’ll need to suck it up because your DD is an adult now and she will decide how to spend her birthday. I’m surprised (and she’s lucky)it’s taken till she’s 20 tbh! She was invited to come for the takeaway and chose not to, thats on her. With young people sometimes us adults just have to grab opportunities to be with them when we can. For all she knows, dd might have felt put out herself that her gran turned on opportunity to come for tea.

It should be shut straight down in the chat by saying that you can not let or nor let anyone see DD because she is a 20 year old adult, I'd also say it it's a shame gran declined DDs invite for tea as she probably won't be inclined to bother inviting her next year.
Her behaviour, and the family going along with it, is ridiculous.

eughh DHs mum is like this and it drives me insane. No I don’t need to see you in my birthday when it’s a bloody Tuesday I’ve worked all day and there’s 1000 people I’d rather see than you Joanne!

Glad you called it out OP!

Was there any response to your message or has it all gone quiet on chat @Stressedoutmummyof3

She’s an adult so tell you MIL to arrange with DD directly.

MIL sounds like an insufferable drama queen! Having read your updates, I applaud you for setting the record straight in the group chat. Now, just leave her to it. She's clearly just doing it for the attention.

Sorry i voted YABU when i meant YANBU

Perfectly normal for grown adults to make their own plans.
Going forward can you start a new norm of organising a family get together / meal / party etc on a day that suits but not necessarily on the actual birthday.
My mil really liked to see my dh for his birthday so i just organise a grt together on a Sunday either side of his birthday and invite his family and best friend.
Then we are free to do whatever we want on his actual bday.
Similarly for my son, i organise a grandparent cake event seperate from his party with friends

Did I read that right, MIL is expecting a 20 year old to spend this and every birthday with their grandma? She’s deluded. DH needs to be setting her straight in no uncertain terms and telling her that she can sulk for as many weeks as she wants, young adults do not spend their birthday with grandparents and that’s how it should be.

MIL responded with that wasn't her understanding, she thought we didn't really want her there, which is all total bullshit. Funnily enough the chat from other family members has gone rather quiet.
I did have a private message from SIL saying she knew it was going to be something like this (she hadn't commented on the group chat,) and was glad I'd made everyone aware of what really happened. There will still be family members who take her side (bloody childish) but it's up to them.
I told DH that when MIL stops sulking he needs to make it clear that DD is an adult and therefore can do what she likes and that MIL has DDs phone number so can always call her and arrange to see her at a mutually convenient time.
Thankfully DD isn't on the group chat because some of the messages were really unkind.

I’d be tempted to ask for an apology from the people who were rude about your daughter.

I would also be asking DH why he is happy for his family to slate his daughter.
Then rather than mute I would leave the chat, sod worrying about them, I would be more concerned if my child found out everyone was rude about about them and I just let them and remained in the group

I agree that I'd be posting that there needs apologies on your DD's behalf and that you are really disappointed in your MIL, for not shutting down the criticism, thos also meeds to be said face-to-face, leave her to sulk. Yes, it's your DD's birthday, but it's also an occasion for you and this has put a shadow over things. Next year is a big birthday and you don't want this shit again. Make it clear that she is only 21, once and her Birthday will be about her and she and you will be celebrating how you want to. Whether that includes anyone else will be decided closer to the time. If an invitation isn't accepted, then your MIL will have missed her chance again.

How on earth could you stop her from seeing a 20 year old?! She's her own person and should be able to spend it how she wants. Not many would want to spend the day with their gran. Not sure why mil is making other people's birthdays about herself.

She's a twat.

The vote is pretty clear! You are nbu. Some people are just like that. My MIL thinks she should be with us every Xmas. No thought for my family or her ex-husband. Or us for that matter! Do what’s right for your daughter and be clear of the reasons. Does she think she’ll be a central feature of every bday for the rest of her life? And as you invited her to dinner, it’s unbelievable that she is saying you left her out.