AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

Just ignore any sulking , your daughter is an adult and making her own decisions, I’m amazed you’ve got to this age without this already cropping up .

You don’t need to call out MIL’s lie but you have to clarify the situation politely because otherwise it will cause negative attitude towards DD and it’s not fair. I would just put that it wasn’t like this at all as you had birthday takeaway and invited MIL for this but she declined to come. Just keep your answer simple, factual and polite.
DH is wrong by trying to sweep it under the carpet.

I'd have to put something in the chat, she's chosen to create drama by bringing other family members into it:

"I'm confused, we invited you to join us for dinner but you declined? Don't worry, DD understood and wasn't offended that you chose not to see her. As she is 20 years old, we don't 'allow' anyone to see her, she makes her own plans".

This is similar to my mother’s behaviour. Her mum did it to her and she always ran back to my grandmother to smooth things over. It has the opposite effect on me, I run a mile in the opposite direction and pay no attention until she snaps out of it.

Weird how some people behave.

Sulkers should be ignored. Adults who sulk are pathetic and shouldn’t be humoured. Your mil sounds manipulative and childish. Ignore her.

First of all I'd be straight out of that group chat, what a load of fuss over nothing. 2nd of all, your daughter is 20, you couldn't have made her stay home even if you wanted to. Lastly, MIL was given the opportunity to see your daughter. Your extended family seem stifling OP.

I don't want to alarm you, OP but I think we have the same MIL.

She's being ridiculous, of course. But your DH is completely wrong to tell you not to post on the group. Your MIL is the one who has deliberately chosen to cause drama by posting on the group chat and being economical with the truth, instead of messaging either of you privately.
You have every right to defend yourselves and your DD, and you don't need your DH's permission to do so. Since other people are now chipping in with their opinions on the matter despite not being aware of the full facts I think it's important to set the record straight.

I would respond with
"MIL, that's not true. We invited you over to see DD and have dinner with us, remember? You said no because you weren't happy that DD was going out after the meal. DD is an adult now with her own life, and we think it's lovely that she still wanted to have a birthday meal with her family today in between working, celebrating with friends and spending time with her boyfriend. It's a shame you decided not to join us".

Your MIL sounds awful

Thanks for sorting much support. I did post in the chat and said you were invited for tea and you chose not to come so you decided not to see DD on her birthday.
I suspect there have been several messages since then but I have muted it for now. DH isn't pleased I decided to respond although I pointed out it's not fair for DD to be blamed for something that isn't her fault and he didn't say anything else.
The weird thing (maybe it's not weird) is that DD sees MIL, at least once a fortnight anyway so it's not like she never goes to see her and I think because of that I feel even more annoyed.

Glad to hear you've put your side across, at least people know now what happened.

So your husband would prefer his daughter is bad mouthed rather than stand up to his awful mother?
Nice🙄