AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

Crikey what a lot of drama. I wouldn’t engage with it any further apart from to state on the group chat “MIL was invited over for a take away but declined” so the whole family don’t think you’re mean.

Next time you see her if she starts bleating on about it just tell her straight, the kids can do what they want on their birthdays and you don’t want to hear anything more about it.

MIL is pathetic. DD isn’t a child, she’s old
enough to have her own husband, children, mortgage etc. Someone needs to explain this to MIL to ensure there is no repeat next year.

Obviously she's an adult and can do what the hell she like on her birthday. Ignoring mil really is the only thing to do. Ps I voted YABU because it wasn't clear which way around the voting was. I thought you meant you were being unreasonable for letting her go out.

Don't be ridiculous - your DD is not 'growing up' she is an adult! And MIL could have come round and seen her at teatime, she chose not to. Let MIL sulk and ignore it.

My MIL just phones DDs directly and doesn't go through me - they have their own plans and I don't always know what they are.

Leave the group chat - it only takes one manipulative muppet of a member to kick off and the whole divide and conquer game begins - while the muppet sits back and enjoys the chaos!

How pathetic she is. I would stop seeing her,

Your right Op, your MIL is childish if she expects all her DGC birthdays to be all about her. Don't rise to the bait Op and ignore the FB post, she must know at 20 you can't force your DD to stay home to see Granny.

Then you also have a dh problem

why should you be made to look bad

mil was invited to come over and declined

I would def add on the group you said no to coming over

Why is dh happy to make you and dd look
like “the baddies”? So he wants you to avoid the truth and let her lie continue? Bollocks to that! If the group chat is his family only, he can deal with it!

I would definitely be commenting on the group chat, MIL was invited over for dinner so could gave seen DD, but declined.
And mute the chat.

Surely you should just put on the group chat that MIL had the opportunity to come and share the takeaway with your dd, and if seeing dd on her birthday was genuinely that important, you're surprised that she didn't accept that invitation.

I would also be clarifying that dd is now an adult and that whether or not she sees MIL is no longer something that is within your control. DD will make her own decisions about who she does and doesn't wish to see, and you suggest that her freedom independence is respected.

Suggest to your daughter that grandma would like to see her. Young people often don't think, they are so busy with friends. A gentle reminder won't hurt.

Other than that there isn't much you can do. Grandma is being childish and precious about the birthday, my mum was like that which was extremely irritating but we get over these things and life goes on.

Is this cultural, OP?

I only ask because if so my post might be too harsh, but I really think you both need to stop indulging this. She’s making other people’s birthdays about her, that’s not a good message for your DC to grow up with. We only get one birthday a year, it’s the one day when we can feel a little bit special, it shouldn’t be hi-jacked by family members looking for attention.

However if your DD is being showered with gifts then it probably is polite to find time for family.

As I said, apologies if this is a nuanced cultural thing.

No, your daughter is 20 years old, and a grown adult. You can't 'make' her do anything, she's not 5.

Your MIL is being ridiculous. I understand that for X amount of years, the routine has been the same, and she's always seen her granddaughter on her birthday. However, your daughter is no longer a little girl, and that routine is now no longer going to work. Your MIL needs to accept and understand that her relationship with your daughter is going to change, she won't see so much of her, and when she does it will be on her terms.

As for wailing down the phone and putting on group chats, that 'you've stopped her seeing her granddaughter', that's highly manipulative and bang out of order. She wasn't stopped at all, she was given an opportunity, which she declined because it wasn't what she's used too. She wanted your daughter to stay at home after the takeaway, so your MIL could say she'd 'seen her granddaughter on her birthday'. Your MIL didn't get to see your daughter on her terms, and is pissed off because she couldn't have her own way.

In all, tough! Let her sulk for a few weeks!!

Ask your DH why putting the truth on the group chat will cause further drama?
If his Mum doesn’t want drama why did she try and create it by lying.

At 20 DD is not 'growing up', she's grown!!! MIL is ridiculous and I wouldn't even engage with it.

She was invited round, she declined, and now she’s whining that you didn’t “let” her see an adult woman? Is she quite mad?

Well I’d certainly reply and say that at age 20, you have no control or say in what your DD does but that it’s natural a 20 yo would want to spend the evening with her BF after working all day. MIL had been invited to a family meal but declined.

Is DD in the group chat?
I don't think you should seek your husband's permission to correct the narrative in which mil was telling lies about you and your family.
If I was someone else in the group chat (presumably DDs aunts / uncles / cousins) I'd feel really awkward about being made witness to mils grievance. My late tweens /early teens basically make their own plans with me just checking they've thought through logistics, I can imagine laying down the law at 20 - can you find it in yourself to laugh about it rather than be upset?

She sounds bonkers and your dh a wet end.

Your DH should be posting a correction to his mother on the group chat.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t but you shouldn’t need to.

Crying on the phone? JFC.

Who are these people??

Shes 20! I think MIL needs reminding your DD is an adult now and can spend her birthdays as she wishes. If your family love to see the kids on their birthdays every year, fair enough but surely that stops when the kids become adults?