AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

Your husband needs to grow a pair! And I think you need to set the record straight on the group chat, the reason she is doing this shit, is because she has been allowed to!

Ridiculous who at 20 wants to stay in with granny on their birthday rather than go out with their BF.

I'm just interested in how exactly you or DH were going to "tell" your adult daughter to stay at home for tea with granny..?
Was MIL expecting you to "ground" her on her birthday? 🤯🤦🏻‍♀️ Is there an expectation for you to dock your DDs pocket money?

🦇💩

Absolutely right, OP. What is this obsession some people have with needing to see people on a specific day? I never saw grandparents on my birthday because they lived too far away - that was, and still is, completely normal for me.
Crucially, your daughter is an adult - why would she want to spend her birthday hanging out with Granny? I hope that next year she decides to go off somewhere exotic with her mates, and then the point will be properly made!

Absolutely!

DD knew exactly what she was doing. Good on her.

Make it clear on the chat that she was invited, and remind everyone that DD is 20 not 10.

These posts just keep getting better. Why on earth is a grown woman behaving like this. Can she not think logically through anything? Does everything have to be about her?
Your poor DH having to grow up with such a childish, manipulative mother.
Call her out and don’t have any qualms about doing so. She started the drama so I don’t see why you can’t have your say. People like this need a jolly good talking to about their behaviour and how it affects others.
Jesus wept

Your MIL is crazy, and I would be encouraging your DD to take a nice long holiday somewhere warm and far away for her 21st next year. 😎

Does this daft woman really expect that a 20-year old woman would prefer to spend the entire evening of her birthday at home with granny instead of seeing her friends?

MIL was invited over and declined, end of. The DD sounds more adult that her grand other. I'd be posting in the chat "you were invited for dinner, but you didn't want to come. Don't you remember?" Anything she says after that is just going to show her up for the idiot she is.

Let her sulk , your daughter is an adult and choosing how to spend her time. Im glad you dont let her dictate her day. Ignore her

Outrageous that this is being aired on the family group with various people weighing in with their opinions. It has nothing to do with any of them and is probably mortifying for your daughter. Your MIL is ridiculous, manipulative and immature. I would tell her in no uncertain terms that if she carries on in this selfish way, she will be in a fine way to ensuring that her granddaughter NEVER wants to spend time with her again going forward, because shes making it into some kind of inescapable prison sentence instead of something that BOTH parties should want, at a time that suits them both.

How suffocating for your daughter that she has been made to see granny on her birthday and now she is showing some autonomy she is being guilt tripped via the rest of family . This is not loving or caring behaviour it's controlling and not good role modelling for your children's future relationships - I would have put a stop to it years ago

@Stressedoutmummyof3 oh she’s nuts! Don’t tell your DD about this. It’s up to her what she wants to do on her birthdays going forward and shouldn’t have the weight of nans weird feelings on her shoulders.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 you didn’t do anything wrong, neither did your DD. Your MIL has though. Let her sulk it out - idiot!

As a mum of a dd same age she’s being absolutely ridiculous. I’d stick up for your daughter and say granny was invited for takeaway but declined and you don’t appreciate her being slated in group chat.
I’ve not seen my dd on her 19th and 20th birthday as she’s been away at uni. We celebrated in holidays earlier. She’s missing her grandma’s significant birthday celebration this summer as she’s working abroad for 3 months, everyone understands.

So your dh is happy for you to be seen as the bad guy rather than calling out mil on her emotional manipulation? Hmm, I would not tolerate that. Surely other family members can understand that your dd is 20, not 2 and you can’t dictate that she stays in, that’s mad!

You are a better person than me. I would have been straight in the family group to outline that DD was splitting her day between work, family and boyfriend and that MIL had been invited to the family part.

Read your second post. You can’t make a 20 yr old stay home.
I would definitely post what you have said. She’s 20. She’s been working all day, she’s not a child on school holidays. We had a takeaway to celebrate and you were invited but said no. You could have seen her and wished her happy birthday then. Molly is a lovely hardworking young woman and I don’t appreciate her being criticised like this.

She’s 20!!
MIL is being ridiculous

Not sure I could resist saying something like "Milly's an adult, going out with her boyfriend on her birthday. I don't think either of them were expecting to take Granny along 😆".

Does your MIL not understand that DD is 20 and an adult now, not 2 years old? Do those pandering to MIL's bollocks in the group chat also not understand that?

Honestly, they do all sound rather dim, and as if they are enjoying the drama.

I'd just put it out there that she WAS invited but she declined. Then leave it and engage no further. You don't control the movements of a 20 year old adult anyway as they make those decisions for themselves.

To be honest, I think I can see why DD might not automatically gravitate towards MIL and her ilk. I don't think I would either.

I honestly wouldn’t let it go. I’d ignore your dh. If it makes things frosty so what.
It sounds like Granny hasn’t caught on to fact she’s grown up. What was she expecting a tea party and balloons and dd sitting in living room all night.
She was invited for the birthday tea (takeaway) and declined. Don’t be moaning you haven’t seen her if you’ve refused to come to the celebration.
I’m fuming on your and your daughter’s behalf.

Your MIL sounds like a drama queen. Does she have form for making things all about her ? Your DD is an adult and is free to make her own choices, plus MIL was invited for dinner. I would set the rest of the family straight and tell them she declined to come to dinner. Also, what was MIL doing when she was 20 ? She’s being ridiculous.

I'd definitely comment MIL was invited for takeaway and chose not to come. That's a fact that needs laying straight.

Why would your dh object to setting the record straight? “What are you talking about MIL, we invited you round for a takeaway and you declined because dd was going out afterwards? Which is understandable at the age of 20!”

I can’t stand people who say they’re “keeping the peace” by allowing one person to ride roughshod over everyone else..,

Weird. Your daughter is an adult. Let her have a sulk and move on.

I’d be petty and describe the takeaway as a birthday tea on the chat. You were invited for Molly’s birthday tea but said you didn’t want to come.