AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

I thin your Dh is wrong to not want you (or him) to post in the group chat. The answer is very simple, "DD is 20. She chooses what she wants to do on her birthday and it's not up to us. I'm sorry you weren't willing to see her by coming over for takeaway. I'm sure she'll look forward to seeing you soon."

This really is batshit.

Crying? Christ that’s grim.
Group chat drama? Honestly, I can’t bear family group chats they seem to cause so much angst.
This young woman is 20, works, has a boyfriend, she’s an adult. She sounds like a fabulous one as well.
Ignore the MIL. Let her carry on people just know what she’s like.

Reading your post made me think the same thing will happen in my family someday. My brother's girlfriend's family sound similar with every birthday having to be together and a BIG DEAL and their children could end up in this situation eventually if they would prefer seeing a boy/girlfriend or friends.

At 20, everyone should get to choose their own birthday plans and she can see her grandma another day.

Absolutely toxic.
Your poor daughter being spoken about like that.
Your husband is a wuss.
How dare his mother behave like that.

If your daughter was my friend I would be encouraging her to move away from such a controlling family.

Your husband has facilitated this behaviour from his mother and now she is posting criticism of her.

How dare she.
She needs putting in her place and if your daughter wishes to avoid her going forward, support her.

Hi op your mil is being really selfish I would private message her and say we don’t control our dd she’s an adult now with her own decision making we only seen her for an hour ourselves so it’s nothing personal she just prefers her bf company now. Oh you forgot to put in the group chat you were invited to join us for food so you could have seen her. We are not the type of parents who control their kids lives.

At 20 ( and even much much younger) you really can’t tell your child what they have to do on THEIR birthday.
Much as I love my young grandchildren, I know that when they get older I won’t see so much of them and that is how it should be. Surely all grandparents just want their grandchildren to enjoy themselves. I certainly didn’t see my grandmother on my 20th birthday!

I would put this message on the group chat.

I’d just put on the group

Hi Susan, It’s a shame you couldn’t make it to have tea with dd yesterday- she would have enjoyed seeing you. Let us know when you can come instead.

thanks everyone for the birthday wishes for dd (assuming you’ve had some birthday wishes). She had to work all day poor thing but has had a brilliant time in the evening out partying. Oh to be 20 again!

I would be saying something like…

‘MIL, did you forget, we invited you to have birthday tea at ours but you weren’t keen? DD was working all day remember, so we’d arranged to have tea together before she went to see her boyfriend.

If you want to do something with her just give her a call and I’m sure she will arrange to see you when she isn’t working.’

Then she can either look like a dick by arguing back, or just play into the old and forgetful to save face.

My DD’s stepmum had a go at her last year because dd (14 at the time) hadn’t rung stepmum on her own (DD’s) birthday 🤯

Some people just have to make everything about themselves. It’s someone else’s birthday but the day MUST be all about that person. Wild. And not acceptable at all!

Post on the chat that she WAS invited but chose not to come. Don't let that go unchallenged.
As for the rest she's batshit crazy and so are the family supporting her.

This!

She could, in future, communicate directly with dd regarding her birthday & dd can tell her her plans, whether they involve her or not

This. Once they are 18 you can’t even expect them to want to spend their BDs with you, their parents, anymore. Sadly this is probably a family practice that should have been curtailed and managed much sooner, with get togethers ‘around’ birthday dates etc.

MIL should be left to sulk and DD supported in her choice.

Ouf! This is good! 👏👏👏

No, group chat. For all to see. It's the only way forward.

I would post on FB hi mil you were invited to come round for a takeaway and declined so you could have seen DD on her birthday

and leave it at that let her sulk away but I would deffo be setting the record straight

I think part of the problem is DD is her eldest grandchild so I guess she experiences everything first. I'm sure in years to come the other grandchildren will do the same.
Luckily DD isn't on the family chat group and I'm not going to tell her what's been said because I don't see why she should feel guilty about spending her birthday how she wanted.
I think considering the conversation is still going it may be time to say you were invited for tea and you decided not to come.
It's not a cultural thing at all, just what the family have always done but I am actually glad that DD has put a stop to it. I mean she and her boyfriend are moving in together next year so I doubt we'll see her on her birthday and (to my mind) that's okay, just part of being a grown up.

Your post title is misleading, because it’s not even like dd could spend the day as she liked, she had to work all day. She only had dinner and the evening free, and I’m assuming had to work today so couldn’t do a big late night anyway.

Post on the group chat that dd was at work all day but MIL had been invited for dinner and turned that down. That DD isn’t a child with school holidays off anymore so will have to fit any celebrations around being responsible and going to work. (I’d take dd away next year for her 21st and avoid any drama)

I only realised from MN that so many families are incredibly enmeshed in each other's lives, group chats etc.! Use the group chat to tell everyone that MIL refused an inviatation to come round, that she hasn't been prevented from seeing her and your daughter is free to mark an insignificant birthday as she wishes, stand up for yourself OP.

I’d definitely post Op. I’m surprised you’ve been so restrained.

I think not commenting in the chat is likely to cause more drama than posting something like:

'You were invited to join us for DD's birthday takeaway dinner... '

It leaves DD looking like she didn't invite her Grandma round at all, and that isn't the case.

This - perfect!

Why shouldn't you post on the group chat as MIL is being really unfair.

The polite version would be "I'm confused. DD was at work all day and came home for tea which we invited you to. She then went out with her boyfriend "

Or the rage bait version of "I'm confused. DD was at work all day so we invited you to have tea with her before she went out with her boyfriend. Its disappointing you chose not to come as DD would have liked to have seen you on her bday"

Just let your MIL sulk. My MIL was a cut off your nose to spite your face type.

Agreed!