AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

Your MIL is insane.

We have similar. My ds's are adults. Talk to them. My job is no longer to act as go between. Your MIL needs to talk to her grandaughter directly if she wants to see her. And it is perfectly reasonable that on her birthday she does what she wants albeit it would be nice if she makes an effort to see her Grandmother on another occasion.

Definitely this^^. Just say it was indeed “a great shame that mil wasn’t able to accept an invitation to dinner on the day” and leave it at that.

She’s wrong to be crying down the phone bc that makes the birthday all about her and not about what your dd wants.

I had something similar happen on the seventh b’day of one of my dds when my mil cried loudly down the phone to my dd saying it was wrong that they were apart (we were in different countries at the time) but it came across very forcefully like she was telling dd off, and dd looked very confused and then started crying herself, so we took the phone away!

That was the moment we decided we needed to put stronger boundaries in place because mil could only see things from her own perspective unfortunately. (There had been many more incidents leading up to this with mil which had affected dh and me, but once the dc are used in this way it’s time to step back.)

DH needs to tell her to stop being so pathetic and that he and you barely saw her because she was working and then went out.

He needs to tell the group chat that she was invited over but declined and so why is she lying to everyone saying that you stopped her from seeing DD.

Sounds like everyone tip toes around her and id have no problem calling her out on it on the group thread.

If he doesn’t want to be ‘mean’, he can say it in a nice way - “mum I don’t understand why you’re saying these things as you were invited but chose not to come. We only got to see her at dinner time as she was working and had made other plans and obviously you wouldn’t expect her to not go into work or change her plans just to suit you. Maybe you just misunderstood what the plan was.”

My answer to MIL is that, if she wants to see dd on the day of her birthday, she needs to organise it with dd herself.

Dd is an adult. You’re not the one who is gatekeeping her. You’re not organising her life. MIL needs to start treating her as an adult.

I would also warn dd, even though if she is on the group, she’ll know about the commotion MIL is creating.
If she isn’t on the group yet, she ought to be.

You invited her round for tea, and she declined.

If she wants to be dramatic and play the victim, let her. I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate her seeing my adult children on their birthdays anymore, let her contact them directly.

My suggestion would be to put on the group chat.

This year as DD was working all day and going out with her boy friend in the evening there was little time for family gatherings. We would have loved you to join us for the evening takeaway but understand why you didn’t. How about a family bbq next weekend? DD would love to see everyone and extend her birthday celebrations!

Your husband wants you to be dishonest and lie by omission to support his drama queen mother?
Put a factual post up.
Daughter was working all day, decided on a takeaway which MIL was invited to. MIL said no. She was offered the same opportunity to spend as much time with daughter as we, her parents did. No drama, just facts.

Your dh needs to realise his dd isn’t a child anymore.
The whole ‘don’t answer’ etc… only works if there is tge assumption it’s your (you agd him) responsibility to organise birthday meals with the whole family, MIL in particular.

And as his dd is 20yo, it is not the case!!
So he needs to stop acting like it is.
He also needs to tell his own mother.

I would simply say in the group chat (don’t think you need permission from your DH and her behaviour should have been nipped in the bud years ago):

MIL, I’m a bit concerned. We invited you over on DD’s birthday to have a takeaway and you declined, do you not recall?

Surely if you want to spend time with DD, you can contact her directly. She is an adult after all and we have no say in her social calendar.

Do you need her number? 🙂

She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD

I wouldn't be able to let that go unchallenged, as it'd be a blatant lie.
I'd have to say something like "we were looking forward to seeing you for tea on her birthday but you didn't want to come as DD was going out afterwards and you didn't think it was enough.
Hopefully see you another time then."
That way you're being polite whilst still letting the others know exactly what happened and that she's spouting bollox.

Yeah I’d say let them argue on on group chat without you, at least both sides of the argument are covered! I have noticed that with in laws and relatives they like seeing the kids on birthdays and Christmas as much as a tick box because otherwise they haven’t seen them all year. They can be seen as being present when actually they weren’t really (not necessarily their fault, we’re all crazy busy!!) So it probably is making her think ‘crap I haven’t seen her this year-I miss her/ she doesn’t know me, and the more selfish option- I don’t get to brag to people (as we s all kind of do ‘I saw my dn the other day, she’s fab!’ All human nature!!

You mil is bat shit

How on earth were you stopping her seeing DD though? You offered the opportunity and she declined, so that’s on her. Why have you not corrected that on whatever social media she has put her false information on?
“??? June, this is very confusing. We offered for you to come around to see Mary on her birthday, but you declined. So not sure why you are saying this?”

Call it out in public.

I assume that you have put up with your MIL's ridiculous guilt-tripping behaviour for at least 20 years. Is she blaming you, your DD or both of you?

She sounds like a trouble-maker with her performative 'grief' about not being invited to celebrate her grand-daughter's birthday when she was invited and declined.

Give her a wide berth from now on and leave all communication with her up to your DH. He obviously panders to her for an easy life but you don't have to join in.

Agree.

She could have seen her if she had come around for the takeaway, she chose not to. You are not keeping her GD away from her. She is a drama queen, sounds controlling and sulky. Not great traits. Ignore her.

Exactly
How on earth would it be the OP causing further drama just for clarifying what actually happened (politely?!)
Are people supposed to just sit back and stay quiet and take anything that's said about them even though it's blatant lies?!
Fuck that 😁

But it’s in no way understandable as to why she didn’t join them and see her granddaughter. The fact was she had a hissy fit as everyone didn’t march to her tune. What you have suggested here is that there was some sort of barrier to her seeing her granddaughter which is why she couldn’t come, which is not the case.

Jesus, you have a MIL from hell.
Perhaps you shouldn't have spent years indulging her on every birthday, she now sees it as her right.
I'd stop all b'days now and perhaps offer to see her around the same time and let the kids do what they want. I say kids, a 20 year old is a fully-fledged adult, capable of deciding what she wants to do!

She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD.

Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.

I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

She posted you're stopping her from seeing a 20 year old with a job, a boyfriend and a life? Meh. Let her embarrass herself in front of the entire family. She sounds incredibly self centred and immature and she's ridiculous. Best not to cater to the oversized toddler.

The only concerning thing is that some family members appear to support such behaviour by saying you were 'unfair' .. WTF?!

Madness.

The whole paternal family has clearly spent years trying to right the unstable boat that is MIL at the expense of everyone else. Don't play anymore. And make sure your DD knows she doesn't have to either.

I really like the factual response suggested above. That’s not true you were invited for birthday tea with us and declined. Then step away.
Your mil’s wording of you stopping her seeing dd does reveal she sees dd as a child in your control. Maybe an age thing? (My elderly mum talks about her peers not being allowed a door key and having to follow strict rules, hence why early marriage and more freedom was attractive..that old song he’s got the key to the door never been 21 before)

I read that twice as assumed I'd misread your daughter's age. You can't make her do anything, it's fairly common at her age that she's doing her own thing. Your MIL is acting like a spoilt brat. What a drama queen. I always hope to see my DDs (early twenties) on their birthday but understand if they've made other plans. Youngest is often on holiday with her boyfriend.

I can’t stand adults who act like sulky toddlers. If she starts again tell her to grow up.

Regardless of what your DH has said, I would make absolutely sure that the rest of the family know that MIL turned down the offer to join you all for the takeaway. You can make it polite and just be factual. Letting MIL's lie stand will only encourage her to behave like this again in the future, and is very unfair to you, DH and DD.

“Let her see DD” like she’s 2?

I wouldn’t even respond. I would probably just block her and let her son deal with her.