AIBU to think DD should be able to spend her birthday how she wants

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

Today is my DD1s birthday. She is 20.
Ever since I have known DH his family have made this big deal about seeing each other on birthdays, especially the children. We have always made sure that MIL gets to see the kids on their birthdays..
I'm sure you know where this is going. This year she hasn't seen DD1. TBF we haven't seen much of her either. She was working all day, came home for a meal (take away) and now gone out with her boyfriend. We did say MIL could come round for takeaway but she declined because DD was going out after.
So I feel we did offer a chance for MIL to see DD.
She has been on the phone crying and saying she thinks it's unfair that we didn't let her see DD on her birthday. DH said she was invited for tea and that DD was growing up and allowed to decide how to spend her birthday but MIL was still annoyed.
She's now posted on the group chat that we're stopping her seeing DD. Opinions in the family are pretty divided with some saying we were unfair when we know how much birthdays mean to MIL and others say it's natural for her to spend time with her friends and boyfriend as she's getting older.
I don't know what else we could have done really. MIL is likely to sulk for weeks about this and I personally don't care, but DH does as obviously it's his mum. I guess I'm asking if we were unfair, if we should have made DD stay home tonight.

I think you should leave her to sulk (which is a form of manipulation) and enjoy the peace. She is insane.

WTF she’s 20, you don’t get to let anyone ‘see her’ she’s an adult who can go see anyone she likes. No you can’t tell an adult not to see their boyfriend, birthday or no birthday.

But she was invited round to see your DD. She declined. I can’t believe family members are defending her!

Ahhh she needs to stop. The girls 20 she wants to go out. You're MIL had the opportunity to see her but chose not to. She doesnt get to make this all about her.

Call her out for lying on the group chat. She's sooo sad she didn't see her granddaughter on her birthday but turned down the chance of seeing her for dinner? Fuck that. Don't let it slide

Your MIL sounds bonkers.

Did she know the daft old bat wanted to see her so much ? You can't make an adult see someone if they don't want to.

Im confused about how she feels it’s your fault she didn’t see a 20 year old and says you didn’t allow it?! Surely it’s not your decision.

it was kind to invite her for the take away. She declined. Her issue.

Exactly this. Don't let her be the marter, she's the instigator of this whole drama!

Of course she is completely wrong, as is the family pandering to her ridiculousness.

But you can't argue with crazy, so just keep your silence and don't give it head space.

Do the family agreeing with her on the group chat know that MIL was invited to the meal and declined!?

Yes as PP has said, call her out in the group chat - keep it polite & factual, but absolutely say, ‘that’s not true, you were invited for tea with us and you declined’ and then don’t engage any further

You can’t make a 20yo stay home anyway. Mil should have come round for dinner, it’s her fault she missed out on seeing her.

Fookin 'ell! This daughter is 20 years old not 20 months old. This is mind blowing!

Of course you can't make a 20 year old stay at home- why can't MIL text her own grandchild to make arrangements, your DD can decide what she does. You don't "let" her see a 20 Yr old like you would a small child. MIL needs to get a grip. It's great that you don't care , I don't know how your DH puts up with this.

Wow, that’s some MIL - what a selfish woman to think all family members have to spend their birthdays with her! It’s your daughter’s birthday and at 20 years old she can do what she likes.
Definitely call her out on the group chat .. remind her that a loving grandparent would want their grandchildren to enjoy their day whatever .
I would never do that to my children or grandchildren! I’d be sorely tempted to remove myself from the chat group.

I can see why the 20 might want to avoid her.

I’d reply on the group chat and say we did give MIL a chance to come for dinner and see her granddaughter on her Birthday but she declined.

Her story is completely at odds with yours so I wonder what happened - was your tone towards her at odds with the invite? You dont sound like you like her

Still, at 20, she decided what she does

Was she genuinely crying on the phone.
Is she always this manipulative. It's beyond my experience that adults behave in this way. It's so pathetic it's almost funny. I think I would be resorting to silly comments on the chat if it happened to me. I couldn't take her seriously.

Ridiculous. Manipulative as well considering this is 100% not the correct story and she was able to see her - she chose not to!! I have a DS the same age as your DD and it's his birthday in a few weeks. He will be away with his girlfriend. I'm a bit sad I won't get to see him but I want him to be having a lovely time, as will his grandparents. She's making it all about her. Your DD is an adult, not a 6 year old having a birthday tea party. She has her own life. I think you need to let MIL sulk but realistically your DH needs to explain that this isn't ok and your DD has her own life and she won't see her every birthday.

This is wild! Dd is 20! I was married at that age and had been living independently for a good while. I had to scroll back to the top of your page to re-read yours daughter’s age in case I’d misread 20. This is such a bizarre reaction. I know some children far younger than 20 who won’t be made to see family for their birthday because they’re out with their friends.

I agree about including in the group chat that she declined the invitation for a birthday takeaway, where she could have seen dd which is exactly what she wanted, baffling!

"@ MIL, you know perfectly well you were invited to join us for DDs birthday takeaway. You turned us down because she was going out with her boyfriend afterwards.
We're not engaging in any more of this emotional manipulation."

Job done.

I don't really like MIL as she has form for being childish and making things about her which I just find annoying, it's so different to how my parents behave, but I certainly don't hate her or anything like that.
She was totally welcome to join us for food but DD wanted to go out so she would only be at home for an hour or so.
I did consider putting something on the group chat but DH has asked me not to because he thinks it will just cause further drama. I have agreed not to say anything but only if MIL doesn't post anything else on the chat.
I am certainly not going to beg for forgiveness, if DH wants to "make things up" with his mum that's up to him but he hasn't so far and I'm kind of hoping he doesn't and just waits until she's ready to stop sulking rather than pandering to her.

Do the family members in the group chat not feel incredibly awkward? I can't believe they are all chiming in.

YANBU. I hope your DD doesn't get any grief over this.