To do 9 hour round trip or tell ds to stick it out?

[briefinnopo]

I have 2 DS’s, ages 14 and 15 and about 18mths/2 years ago he got a new job and moved to Scotland
The boys have completely different personalities, youngest is very into marvel and comics and is quiter. Eldest is loud and into football (ds2 also is but only the team he supports he doesn't care about other teams or playing it) eldest is also a nightmare behaviour wise right now

They don't see their dad much. Initially he would come here to visit but now he says they must visit him as there old enough and capable. They did a few weekends but it was a bit pointless due to the distance and youngest is a ball boy for the football team he supports which is a commitment obvioushe couldn't constantly miss it

They went on Saturday until the 10th of August and there was issues at the beginning as youngest needed the toilet at the train station and ds1 walked off and he panicked - we live on the outskirts of Manchester and this was at Manchester Piccadilly on a Saturday so was very busyt which ds1 found it hilarious

Ds2 has told me their dad took them to a football match on Sunday and then a different team Tuesday and he took them to nandos but they haven't done much else and he asked if they can see the new spiderman film and his dad told him no because he or ds1 go and they argued and ex told him to go on his own and when he said he would he got shouted at again and told he's not going anywhere. He's also been told off for playing his music apparently

Obviously this is only ds2’s words on a text message and I'm not there but he's saying he wants to come home. Problem is he would struggle with the train journey on his own yes he's 14 and not ND but he's never done it on his own and he is immature. It's also a 4.5 hour car journey traffic permitting (it says this right now) so 9 hour round trip. Maybe more maybe less but I don't know

Would you tell him to stick it out or go and pick him up?

I wouldn’t do there and back in a day I did 4 hours last week and was completely exhausted! Is there anyway you could drive up stop over and bring him back the day after?

I would speak to him on a video call first and suss out what is actually going on. Might be worth speaking to DS1 for his take too. If you think DS2 is genuinely unhappy then phone your ex.

Sounds like your ex is favouring DS1 activities and ignoring DS2.

Is it possible to have a conversation with their dad and tell him ds2 is upset? Or will he get stroppy about it? I’m just wondering if their dad could smooth it over. Otherwise I would give it another few days then see how he’s feeling. But if he’s really miserable he’s going to have to come home. His dad could put him on the train and you be on the platform at the other end.

I don't think anything that's happened is worthy of a 9hr round drive tbh

It sounds like a squabble and DS2 is a bit bored. They aren't disasters, and he will be home in under 2 weeks anyway. I agree I would speak with DS1 first and maybe the dad depending on how that conversation goes. Is their dad working?

I would not go and get him. He's safe, with his Dad and brother. Leave him to it. In a day or two he might have settled down and started enjoying himself. Even if he doesn't, he's 14, being miserable for a few days won't kill him.

It’s very early days there’s bound to be niggles and settling in period. Nothing you’ve said sounds abusive or concerning. Dad has arranged some trips out and taken them out for tea at Nando’s. Worse case scenario he’s a bit bored. I’m not quite understanding the cinema thing why dad is saying no.
I’d listen to him but say talk to dad. Has he got money so he can go out a bit eg bus to town or take himself to cinema.

I didn't understand the cinema thing either.
While I think you should let him stay there and see he settles in, I also can't understand why he can't sit on a train. Surely DH can put him on a train and you can take him off it. Even if he needs to change, he should be able to manage this. You say he's immature - picking him up when he's basically just bored isn't going to improve that, I think if he wants to come home he will have to get himself back.

If boot was on other foot I’m sure you wouldn’t like ds2 moaning to dad you’ve told him off.
Don’t end up piggy in middle.

Do you have any thoughts that your ex could behave awfully towards the boys? If so I’d go and get him though I wouldn’t want to do 9 hours, I’d get ds to get on a train to a half way point and you go and meet him.

If you don’t have any reason the think ex will behave horribly to ds then I would do a video call with DS and have a proper chat, maybe persuade him to stay for another weekend and see how things are then?

I agree that there’s nothing seriously concerning there either. Can you speak to ex and hear his side of the story, and what else he has planned?

Why didn’t you take them to the station and see them on the train?

if ds wants to come home, Coukd ex put him on the train at one end, and you collect him at the other end.

I think cinema is ds2 asked to go, dad said no and ds2 said I’ll go by myself and dad has said no.
He’s already had a lot of money spent on him this week/dad may be working - dad is entitled to say no. Plus dad may be wary he’s not ok out on his own in a strange Scottish town - he does sound rather young for his age and dad may have been told about him getting upset at station.
I’d just say if you don’t go in Scotland you can go when you are home. As an aside is it the film that was part filmed in Glasgow? If he’s anywhere near maybe suggest he has a walk around city and sees some of the filming locations.

This^

I wouldn’t be fetching at that age, i would firstly say to stick it out for a few more days then if he’s wanting to come home he can catch the train, his dad can put him on one end

Leave your ex to sort it put. Your message shld be "talk to your dad".
Nothing overly concerning.
When they back you can speak to them about nx year /next time options and choices. They can choose nx year .
They are there now.
Leave them to it.

Presumably they can go out locally or are allowed to game or read and entertain themselves?

I would book him a cab to train station and talk him through getting on train etc and meet him your end

I’d call son and ask exactly what happened. The new spider man has literally just come out and maybe he wanted to go that evening. After listening to the boys squabble your ex just cut it dead. The film isn’t going anywhere. He could be back home and it’ll still be showing in the cinema.

you need to let him sort this out by himself. I wouldn’t wade in. I don’t go to the cinema to watch films I’m not keen on for the kids when they became old enough to go themselves. The fact your ex has no issue with them making a long journey to see him it would be at odds he’d have a problem with son going to the cinema. Why not suggest to your son he speaks to dad when all calms down and ask again if he can go. If no, accept it and he can go when he’s back.

you say the eldest is behaving badly at the minute. There is only 12 months between your boys and yet they seem years apart. Your 15yo sounds mature for his age in regards to confidence and getting around whilst your youngest possibly a little immature in the same thing. It’s way too easy for a 15yo boy to wind up a slightly more vulnerable sibling.

dad should try and do things for both boys, but as he doesn’t see them often and only hears about the football aspect of their lives. Your son’s job & the obvious sleep, breath football of the first it’s easy to see why football has been chosen. Thats on dad, not you. He will get the relationship with the boys he deserves.

Do your sons normally argue and bicker? It doesn’t sound super serious tbh. I’d talk to ds1 and if you get along with ex then him as well as discuss ds2 getting a train back to Manchester sooner than ds1. I think he should probably try and stay a few more days and see if things improve. Your son is at an age where a judge would allow him to see his dad as little or much as he wants yet he chose to see dad so presumably staying through this blip
is probably for the best and he’ll know what to expect next time dad invites him there.

He’s immature but should probably start working on his independence skills so I would want ex to put ds2 on a train and you should collect him at the other end. If ds2 shares his location then you should be able to tell him when he needs to get off at the next stop and he can head for a specific exit on his own. Talk through what to do if he’s in the toilet situation again so he knows what to do and that it’s not something to panic about.

Ds2 has told me their dad took them to a football match on Sunday and then a different team Tuesday and he took them to nandos but they haven't done much else

Well, they've only been away since Saturday. They wouldn't be doing something special every day if they were at your house, either. They've got another 10 days to fit in a trip to the cinema.

To be honest, this sounds like two teenagers bickering and being a pain and their dad getting fed up with it. Which is exactly what happens in most families, separated or otherwise.

Your 14-year-old sounds like a nice kid but probably also does need a bit more of a backbone I think. I'd expect a 14-year-old to be able to manage a train journey alone - even a long one - and also to cope at Manchester Piccadilly station. Yes, his brother was a dick, but it sounds like your youngest might need to grow up a bit.

Unless you think his dad is being outright abusive then I don't think it warrants a round trip to collect him.

If roles were reversed and one of your kids called their dad and said they wanted to go and stay with him for the same reasons ds2 has given you how would you react?

he’s with his dad and I’m not sure you should be meddling tbh - do you have an amicable enough relationship with their dad to discuss it?

i would let him come home if he wants to. His dad needs to put him on the train. If there’s a change and he’s not confident I’d meet him at the change station and bring him home from there.

Exactly what I think. Some 14 year olds are still very young for their age, they (obviously) all grow up at their own pace.

If you are thinking ex cannot make things better for your son, yes I would go and pick him up.Could DS be acting up ?. stretching his version of things ? What does ex say about it ?.. Presumably he's going to blame DS in some way. I think you will have to follow your heart. We don't know how your son usually reacts when he's upset..14 seems a bit young to travel that distance alone, that's asking for trouble..Best wishes Op

I think if you immediately jump in and whisk him home it’s not helping him build resilience.
It’s bound to feel a bit strange at first. What he’s feeling is quite normal. Strange house, strange town, dad who he hasn’t seen a lot.
Let’s see how you feel in a couple of days.
If he still wants to come home then I don’t see any need to drive. Ex put him on train, book seat in quiet carriage, you meet on platform to get him off.

Sounds as if he is feeling a bit excluded.

Why did his brother walk off at the station?

Was he worried about missing the train?

What would he do if he came home?

I'd be wanting him to do part of the journey I think.

Can he get himself to a station?

Would his dad refuse to take him if he can't?