To do 9 hour round trip or tell ds to stick it out?

[briefinnopo]

I have 2 DS’s, ages 14 and 15 and about 18mths/2 years ago he got a new job and moved to Scotland
The boys have completely different personalities, youngest is very into marvel and comics and is quiter. Eldest is loud and into football (ds2 also is but only the team he supports he doesn't care about other teams or playing it) eldest is also a nightmare behaviour wise right now

They don't see their dad much. Initially he would come here to visit but now he says they must visit him as there old enough and capable. They did a few weekends but it was a bit pointless due to the distance and youngest is a ball boy for the football team he supports which is a commitment obvioushe couldn't constantly miss it

They went on Saturday until the 10th of August and there was issues at the beginning as youngest needed the toilet at the train station and ds1 walked off and he panicked - we live on the outskirts of Manchester and this was at Manchester Piccadilly on a Saturday so was very busyt which ds1 found it hilarious

Ds2 has told me their dad took them to a football match on Sunday and then a different team Tuesday and he took them to nandos but they haven't done much else and he asked if they can see the new spiderman film and his dad told him no because he or ds1 go and they argued and ex told him to go on his own and when he said he would he got shouted at again and told he's not going anywhere. He's also been told off for playing his music apparently

Obviously this is only ds2’s words on a text message and I'm not there but he's saying he wants to come home. Problem is he would struggle with the train journey on his own yes he's 14 and not ND but he's never done it on his own and he is immature. It's also a 4.5 hour car journey traffic permitting (it says this right now) so 9 hour round trip. Maybe more maybe less but I don't know

Would you tell him to stick it out or go and pick him up?

Tricky situation but staying for another 10 days maybe impractical for your son's wellbeing.
The 9 hour round trip is not sensible in 1 go. Could your son travel part way by train and you meet him part way along, if he has to change trains, you collect him there?
Other thought about the train is whether you could make use of their assistance support. There is an app you can download and request it on there. This might give your son the support he needs to make the journey safely alone.

A 9 hour round trip drive sounds dire.

However, is there another way you could get your son home? What about if you rang him for the journey from his dad's house to the station and getting on the train? Potentially he could get a taxi if the bus is too difficult. Then once he's at the station you'd know which platform he needs to go to because you could look it up on the internet and you could talk him through finding the platform. And then once he had found the platform he'd be on the train and you could meet him at the station on the other end. Yes, it would be stretching for him but he's 14 and fed up so he's highly incentivised to make it work. And then when he does manage it, it's very likely to reduce his anxiety and improve his feeling of self-worth. So I think it would be worth a try.

Regardless of whether the ex has behaved well here, the son does need to build some resilience and learn life skills.

In your shoes I'd tell him he's welcome to come home on the train and you'll pick him up at the station if he let's you know which one. And leave it at that.

You can’t do that drive there and back in a day, i do it regularly and it’s bad enough over a weekend! Also, staying overnight isn’t that easy at the moment as its peak season in Edinburgh and even a budget hotel will set you back £200+. It sounds like he’s just being a typical teenager and had a minor argument with his dad, it’s hardly a safeguarding issue. I’d leave them to sort it out between themselves or you give him the message they can always click their fingers if they don’t like something and you’ll come running. There’s loads happening for the festivals in Edinburgh including lots of free shows and half price tickets in the next week, get them online to plan some stuff!

I would speak to him on a video call and see how he’s feeling now. Poor lad.

His dad sounds like a selfish bully and with your son being quiet and sensitive, I couldn’t leave him there if he still wants to come home. Your other son sounds like a bully too, thinking it’s funny that his brother was panicking. Absolutely wouldn’t stand for that nastiness.

It’s rubbish for you to do the long round trip, but I think it’s really important your son knows you have his back. I bet he won’t want to go again and who could blame him.

I’d do 9 hours but I’m used to very long drives as have relatives who live 400 miles away. However I’d only do it if I was sure it wasn’t a blip and ds2 really wanted to come home. Because it’s normal to have bad days or be homesick but is it persistent or really severe? I also think you’re only going by text and you’re judging the activities your ex is providing.
I think you need more info

So younger one has put up and shut up with ⚽ matches of teams he isn't following but Dad won't indulge his marvel interest to see a movie. Father sucks.
Barely sees them, meant to be quality time, it wouldn't be a huge deal to drop him off and pick him up, if neither him nor his older brother want to go with him.
Yes, matches and nandos cost £ but he is teaching and it's not that big an ask.
So he has both kids until a week on Monday.
I wouldn't do a 9 hour round trip but I would speak to your youngest on WhatsApp in private - ask him to call you from the loo or something, so you can talk to him/calm him down.
Your oldest is a tool - laughing at his brother for being upset and for needing a wee is unnecessary, bordering on cruel.

Imagine being a teacher and not even bothering with your own children 🙄.

Is your youngest going to vote with his feet from now on?

i couldn't leave my son like that. maybe im a bit too soft. But id hate to think that my son would look back in future and think 'I needed my mum and she wasn't there' xx

edit to add - I'd have gone for him right away and tried to make something special of it on the way home by stopping over somewhere if I could. He's reached out to tell you he's not happy - I think it would be so sad to ignore him.

It seems the dad has a favourite child and is neglecting the other because he doesn't share his interests. I wouldn't be able to leave him there for another week.

If Waverley is too big for him there's direct trains from Haymarket to Manchester and is a much smaller/manageable/quieter station. Maybe facetime him through the process. Assuming it was the Hearts football match they went to on Tuesday then he was probably in the Haymarket area so not totally unfamiliar with it.

I think that amount of driving would be very tiring.
Call your DS, have a chat with him, which will make both of you feel better and see if he could just stay for a few more days.
At least he knows in the future not to go, if he doesn't want to.
It appears that he is safe, he just feels a bit left out.
He's with his dad, both boys went together. Let them make the journey back together aswell.

To be honest, if you were to go and collect your DS then your other DS will be making the journey back on his own later on, and I wouldn't want that, even if he is more confident with travelling.

Do you think you might be babying your children?

A 14 year old should be easily capable of catching a bus or attending the cinema on their own.

Maybe their father is trying to teach them a bit of self-reliance?

I wouldn't get him. He can see the film when he is back. He is their father and hasn't done anything horrible.

Your ex parents differently to you but he has his DSs well being in mind.
Trust them all to work it out.

Boredon is not a death sentence. Boredom encourages self motivation, creativity and resilience.
Suggest that your son speaks to his father and works something out within his Dad's boundaries.
Nine hours just in driving time is too much pampering.
Keep asking your sons to behave as their father expects, to respect their father's rules and to stop phoning you.

There ia no reason at 14 this is not possible

So they've got 10 more days with Dad?

No, I wouldn't do a 9 hour trip to pick DS2 up.

I'd have a video chat with him and see how he is. It sounds like he's unhappy because he isn't getting what he wants and needs, which is annoying for him but not the end of the world.

I think he should stick it out and then he can choose not to go again

If he insists on coming back home he could perhaps travel alone to a halfway point and you pick him up there?

Edit - I dont really see any reason why a 14 year old can't travel alone on a train for 4 hours , if I'm honest

I would follow the original plan, assuming you don't think he's in any danger, but if he comes home saying he hated the trip don't make him go again. Perhaps have a chat with DS1 and see if you can persuade him to be a little bit less of an arse to his brother during this trip.

I agree with the facetiming, it's easier to judge someone's mood than from a text. Only you will know if, with words of encouragement, he can stick it out or if he's being serious about it all. I also agree that, if you both decide he's to come home, do not drive but he uses special assistance to come home by train as he's old enough to know that hissy fits at his age aren't a case of mum jumping any more (harsh but hopefully you know what I mean). Ask other son if he's OK to stay on his own (or he'll think HE doesn't matter!) and then tell dad. Your son will never go again if he does come home which may be good or bad, only you'll know that. But....I couldn't leave a child of mine that unhappy without trying to sort it out. I also agree that perhaps dad is right and perhaps you've babied him?

So the youngest will no longer have time with his dad , just the older one, as the wee whinger wants to go see a movie.but didn’t get and next time you’ll let the wee soul stay home with mummy!
Sounds to me like the wee whinger needs to spend a lot more time with someone grumpy and less tolerant, life is not a bed of roses -and the wee pet has been made to go to 2 nasty ,rough, noisy football matches. Awwww diddums.

I don’t get why he couldn’t go on his own to the cinema. Day one release is a big deal for a fan and I’m not surprised your sons upset he’s been taken places he didnt enjoy and then banned from something he’s probably really into.

but you can’t race up there; talk to son and practice a conversation he can try with dad. Call dad and let him know how ds is feeling
i think at the moment it’s a little mediation at this early stage, it sounds more like dad is useless and rigid rather than deliberately unkind? He doesnt know how to connect with his son but speaks the manly language of football 🙄

If these are just words on a text message I really don't think you have enough to go on. My children have been told no lots of times and im sure could make a text message sound like her parents were not very nice but the reality is they live a charmed life and are very loved and well taken care of and get to do many things. You need to either talk to him face to face or talk to your ex. He's only been there 18 months and they have visited for at least some of that time at weekends ...hes not complete stranger to them. The very best interest of the children is if a good ongoing relationship can be formed between them and their dad and allowing one of them to come home over something possibly very small won't help facilitate that. Obviously its possible this is the not the scenario ... but from what you say it well could be.

I can also appreciate that it must be really hard for you and possibly a reason to bring them home would be nice, you must miss them, and that makes it hard to think about clearly.

I’d leave them to it to be honest. Sounds like normal family dynamics. There’s always someone who feels hard done by.

Is it a holiday? I thought it was a negative thing to expect dads to be 'disney dads', this is just normal bog standard everyday parenting is it?

They are of an age to say where they want to be of course, but lets not pretend that parenting day in and day out is always some sparkly fun thing.

I don't have advice about the situation but in terms of the trains if he does decide he's getting one home.

Can he stay on the bus to Haymarket? Manchester trains go through there too. It's not as overwhelming as Waverley and only a couple of minutes later. Just four platforms.

At Manchester he needs to get in the lift at platform 13/14. It's by the toilets on the left as you exit. That keeps you away from the main station entirely and comes out at the pick up point.

i completely understand your concern for DS2 in this situation as he has little in common with his dad.
His dad dismisses all of his requests, giving him mixed messages and telling him to man up.
So my heart would break a little bit for him too if I were his mum, especially if he has another ten days to go. There seems very little love, understanding or affection coming from father to younger son. I’m surprised he’s a teacher if he dislikes children so much. Or maybe he just doesn’t like the effort he has to put in to his own parenting after teaching all year.

Talk to your sons to get a better picture. Give DS2 some reassurance if you can.
Then give it a couple of days and talk to them again to see if things have settled or worsened.

If at any time, you think the situation is too awful for DS2 to continue, then yes, do go and fetch him, factoring in the expense a hotel night so you can rest between the two long journeys.

At least your son is now at an age where he doesn’t have to spend two weeks at a time with his father ever again.