To do 9 hour round trip or tell ds to stick it out?

[briefinnopo]

I have 2 DS’s, ages 14 and 15 and about 18mths/2 years ago he got a new job and moved to Scotland
The boys have completely different personalities, youngest is very into marvel and comics and is quiter. Eldest is loud and into football (ds2 also is but only the team he supports he doesn't care about other teams or playing it) eldest is also a nightmare behaviour wise right now

They don't see their dad much. Initially he would come here to visit but now he says they must visit him as there old enough and capable. They did a few weekends but it was a bit pointless due to the distance and youngest is a ball boy for the football team he supports which is a commitment obvioushe couldn't constantly miss it

They went on Saturday until the 10th of August and there was issues at the beginning as youngest needed the toilet at the train station and ds1 walked off and he panicked - we live on the outskirts of Manchester and this was at Manchester Piccadilly on a Saturday so was very busyt which ds1 found it hilarious

Ds2 has told me their dad took them to a football match on Sunday and then a different team Tuesday and he took them to nandos but they haven't done much else and he asked if they can see the new spiderman film and his dad told him no because he or ds1 go and they argued and ex told him to go on his own and when he said he would he got shouted at again and told he's not going anywhere. He's also been told off for playing his music apparently

Obviously this is only ds2’s words on a text message and I'm not there but he's saying he wants to come home. Problem is he would struggle with the train journey on his own yes he's 14 and not ND but he's never done it on his own and he is immature. It's also a 4.5 hour car journey traffic permitting (it says this right now) so 9 hour round trip. Maybe more maybe less but I don't know

Would you tell him to stick it out or go and pick him up?

Come on OP Im 64 and do 10 hour a day drives every other weekend to care for my elderly mother.
I just get in the car very early in the morning and drive the 5 hours without stopping. Do whatever I need to do for mum and drive back in the evening. A fit person should have no trouble doing this. I work full time so cant stay over until I retire in a couple of years.
You can stop for a meal and a drink before driving back.
You could of course tell DS he has to stay and lump it. I probably would.

In terms of the travel, can you find a direct train to somewhere nearer you, so you don't have to drive all the way up, but he doesn't have to change trains.

How long does the train take? Better than driving as you can nap, watch a film etc.

I'd go. This is one of those formative moments when kids learn who they can rely on. You have to be dependable.

Does it have to be train? Can he get the national express or similar, it would take longer but I used to do it centuries ago 😂
I used to travel to from the Southwest to the North with only 1 change over, I found the bus stations a lot easier to navigate then the train stations and there tends to be more people to help if you get lost but the stands used to be numbered.
Even if it brings him closer and you can pick him up at the bus station at the first change?
I have two boys who are similar in age and there is absolutely no way I would send them on a long journey together, they can’t even share a bedroom without arguing. My eldest would probably find it funny if he had made is brother panic as well…
Im all for teaching independence but this situation sounds like it’s going to be wrought with anxiety for the younger one, he is stuck with 2 people who won’t/don’t share his interests and will be miserable. His Dad should be taking him to the movies, not just dragging him along to the football, I feel really sorry for your younger one.
I have one massively into football and the other into Star Wars so I can empathise it’s tricky to do things with both, however there has to be a balance.
I would try and get the younger one home if you can, 10 days is a long time to be a spare part. Anyone who says to a son they need to ‘man up’ always gets my back up anyway so I may be biased.
I have all boys and if I hear anyone saying it to mine gets blasted. I’d rather raise emotionally mature men who are able to express themselves then ‘manly robots’ who struggle with mental health because they feel they can’t cry…

I think it would do your son no favours in the long run to run to his aid right away. He's 14, not 5.

Facetime him to chat each day if he wants to. Suggest to DS1 that he book tickets to the cinema for the two of them and you'll cover it, if that would cheer DS2 up.

He does need to spend some time with his father, even if there are teething problems. It's boredom, not neglect or danger. It's a very good thing to learn to handle boredom.

If he's still fed up and miserable by Tuesday or Wednesday, agree he can get the train home. Don't suggest that in advance, he really needs to try and adapt a bit.
He can get the transpennine express that goes to Manchester Airport, and he can board at either Waverley or Haymarket. Yes, he might be nervous but at 14 it's very much time he was developing life skills like managing public transport.

Driving 9 hours to rescue him from "not having fun" teaches him no resilience, no independence, and that Mummy will fix it when he's the least bit uncomfortable.

I understand the urge, I honestly do. But at 14 you're trying to raise a robust, independent young man, not wipe your little boy's nose every time he sneezes.

Completely agree.

Different entirely if he was a toddler but 14??

Facetime, bit of sympathy then jolly him along a bit to make the best of it. He's not in danger he's just having a grump.

I would give him time to try and settle in a bit.

The responsibility lies with dad to make the effort not him. Dad is at the point in his life where his son has a choice whether to engage with him. It sounds as if he has been selfish and uninvolved for many years and as such it sounds like this lad doesn't want or need this bullshit any more.

If we've done our job right we will all reach a point at which our children no longer need to be involved with us. It means that if we want a continued relationship then we have to make the effort to ensure that they want to stay involved with us. If this 'dad' can't even be arsed to sit through a movie for his son (that currently has a rotten tomatoes rating of 90% btw) then he's going to find out the hard way that you reap what you sow

I'd have a video call with him to get a feel for how he's really doing and if still concerned it's more than just a bit of sulking I'd go and get him.

Some of the comments on here are pretty harsh, he may be 14 but that's still pretty young for solo travel especially for a quieter kid who may not ask for help if needed.

There are plenty of places to stop for a break to ease the drive but if you can't face it, you could stay over and have a day chilling before the drive back. (Falkirk has some cheaper options and easy commute to Edinburgh, and you could make it a mini trip, you and him going to see the Kelpies and Boat Wheel - a cinema in Falkirk too!).

Their father sounds awful too with his dinosaur language and attitude, not even meeting them off the train in a very busy city.

Well his dad is on holiday from work, the son is on holiday from school. Would be nice to do something the kid enjoys with his dad but the twatty ex won't even let the boy go on his own. The dad doesn't do any parenting Disney or otherwise, wouldn't even pick them up from the station.
He doesn't deserve to see these boys and it won't be long before at least one of them refuses to see him.

This.
This is his father.
He needs to deal with this.
Do not set a precedent.
If your son no longer wishes to visit his father, that is a conversation you can have.
But he is with his father and safe, so I would encourage him to get on with it.

14 is not young for solo travel.

The responsibility lies with both parents to bring up a teenager who can be an active part of his own life and relationships rather than relying on Mummy to sort things out when Daddy doesn't.

I stand by my opinion, obvs, 😂 he's 14 - chances are if he was at home he'd be grumping that he was bored as well, it's what 14 yr olds do. I've no idea of the relevance of mentioning the RT rating for the film but I guess there was one.

He's 14, not in any danger, and with his dad and brother. Feeling a bit miserable for a few days won't kill him.

But that being said, the arrangement won't last. My cousin is step-mum to a boy and a girl she met when they were about 4 and 7. She and children's dad live VERY rurally. By the time the boy was about 14, they rarely saw him. Not unreasonably so, he wanted to spend his time with his friends, in the city they lived in. Not 2 hours away on a very isolated farm, in which he had zero interest. He's in his mid-20s now, and I understand contact is sporadic at best.

It'll be the case for your boys as well. They'll want to be at home, where their stuff and their friends are.

Yes and taking an active responsibilty for your own relationships means setting boundaries with somebody who is bullying you or making it obvious that they don't like you even if that happens to be your arsehole of a dad

He either has to bite the bullet and go on the train alone, or stick it out- a 9 hour round trip is not viable.

I don’t think she is at all.my son is 15 and quiet,and hasn’t caught a bus etc.they are all different

Let’s hope the mature whinger has no whinging kids

Catching a bus isn’t a character trait, it’s something parents teach their DC how to do. (Or not).