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AIBU?

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Original poster

To do 9 hour round trip or tell ds to stick it out?

119 replies

briefinnopo · 30/07/2026 16:08

I have 2 DS’s, ages 14 and 15 and about 18mths/2 years ago he got a new job and moved to Scotland
The boys have completely different personalities, youngest is very into marvel and comics and is quiter. Eldest is loud and into football (ds2 also is but only the team he supports he doesn't care about other teams or playing it) eldest is also a nightmare behaviour wise right now

They don't see their dad much. Initially he would come here to visit but now he says they must visit him as there old enough and capable. They did a few weekends but it was a bit pointless due to the distance and youngest is a ball boy for the football team he supports which is a commitment obvioushe couldn't constantly miss it

They went on Saturday until the 10th of August and there was issues at the beginning as youngest needed the toilet at the train station and ds1 walked off and he panicked - we live on the outskirts of Manchester and this was at Manchester Piccadilly on a Saturday so was very busyt which ds1 found it hilarious

Ds2 has told me their dad took them to a football match on Sunday and then a different team Tuesday and he took them to nandos but they haven't done much else and he asked if they can see the new spiderman film and his dad told him no because he or ds1 go and they argued and ex told him to go on his own and when he said he would he got shouted at again and told he's not going anywhere. He's also been told off for playing his music apparently

Obviously this is only ds2’s words on a text message and I'm not there but he's saying he wants to come home. Problem is he would struggle with the train journey on his own yes he's 14 and not ND but he's never done it on his own and he is immature. It's also a 4.5 hour car journey traffic permitting (it says this right now) so 9 hour round trip. Maybe more maybe less but I don't know

Would you tell him to stick it out or go and pick him up?

OP posts:
InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 01/08/2026 07:23

Corianda · 01/08/2026 07:06

So the youngest will no longer have time with his dad , just the older one, as the wee whinger wants to go see a movie.but didn’t get and next time you’ll let the wee soul stay home with mummy!
Sounds to me like the wee whinger needs to spend a lot more time with someone grumpy and less tolerant, life is not a bed of roses -and the wee pet has been made to go to 2 nasty ,rough, noisy football matches. Awwww diddums.

Wow. You sound nice.

Why don’t the father and older brother have to put up with going to see a film, if they expect the younger brother to go to football matches?

oviraptor21 · 01/08/2026 07:25

I've often done 2 x 6 hours driving so 2 x 4.5 would be a doddle. But accepted that it's not for everyone. Another option is for OP to take the train up to meet DS2 and bring him back.

And yes, I would definitely be offering him the option to come home. Another 10 days with a father who quite clearly isn't prepared to do anything to make his stay more pleasant. I've lost count of the number of films I had no interest in that I've sat through because DC wanted to see them. And then to say DS2 couldn't go on his own either FFS!

Sartre · 01/08/2026 07:27

I think he’s just being a silly teen who didn’t get his own way once or twice so he’s whinging to you about it. With the film, I’ve seen many films I wouldn’t choose for myself because it keeps my DC happy so your ex is BU there BUT maybe he should just go by himself. He needs to learn some independence basically, one day in the not so distant future he’ll have to do everything for himself! I’d make him stick it out.

oviraptor21 · 01/08/2026 07:29

Corianda · 01/08/2026 07:06

So the youngest will no longer have time with his dad , just the older one, as the wee whinger wants to go see a movie.but didn’t get and next time you’ll let the wee soul stay home with mummy!
Sounds to me like the wee whinger needs to spend a lot more time with someone grumpy and less tolerant, life is not a bed of roses -and the wee pet has been made to go to 2 nasty ,rough, noisy football matches. Awwww diddums.

Wow! So glad you were nowhere near any of my children.

TheHonestSnail · 01/08/2026 07:30

Tell him to stick it out and then if he doesn't want to go next time, that's up to him.

Mums - and it's always Mums - do their DC no favours swooping in to rescue when they're remotely uncomfortable or bored.

That's likely the reason DS is like he is and can't do normal things. Because you don't expect him to and infantlise and make excuses for him.

It's one of the reasons we have so many NEET kids and young people signed off long term sick with anxiety. Because they can't cope with having to do anything they don't like or find uncomfortable, and Mummy is in the background saying to anyone trying to help, "he can't get on a bus, he can't talk on the 'phone, he can't go to the GP, he can't order for himself in subway' and on and on. If Mummy helps you avoid everything you don't like, find boring or uncomfortable, then it becomes an issue when the real world expects these kids and young people to function.

oviraptor21 · 01/08/2026 07:34

I think you'll find that most of the NEETs have parents who were barely there at all for them - a bit like DS2's dad in this scenario.

Ohthere · 01/08/2026 07:38

I’m in Edinburgh with slightly older teens at the moment, if it’s any consolation for your son we tried to see Spider-Man yesterday and it was sold out everywhere. I’d be happy to help him get on the train at Waverley but I’m not around much over the next few days. I’m not going to comment on the rights and wrongs of him coming home early, it sounds like hell to me personally, but you know your kids and the situation better than any of us.

cloudtreecarpet · 01/08/2026 07:38

He is with his dad, not a stranger and if he doesn't see him much then he needs to stick it out a bit longer rather than coming home straight away.
Have you had the film story from your other son or your ex? Sometimes kids can make something sound way worse than it actually was.
If they are in Edinburgh then hopefully their dad will take them to some of the festival while they are up. It's brilliant and a great experience and it would be a shame if your youngest missed out on that.

I would be inclined to leave him for now but keep checking in and if he's still miserable in a couple of days make a decision but really I think he needs to stay partly for resilience and partly to spend more time with his dad.
Only you know him and your ex though so if you think it will be actually more damaging to his relationship with his dad to stay then that's a different decision.

ohsotired2022 · 01/08/2026 07:45

Not read the full thread.
but yes, I would go and get my child if they were miserable.
could your ex drive him halfway so 2 hours to get him and 2 hours back home ?

Corianda · 01/08/2026 07:47

I’m absolutely shocked that so many posters see it as unimportant that the boy spends time with his father growing up

edit to say everyone will come back claiming that the father is what ?cruel or that that is not what they are saying - but they are - a father in a teenage boys life is just about the most important thing even a selfish one

ohsotired2022 · 01/08/2026 07:51

Just read that their Dad couldn’t even go and meet them from the Train Station when they arrived. Edinburgh Waverley is so busy at this time. That’s quite neglectful of their Dad.
doesn’t sound a great situation

diddl · 01/08/2026 07:53

Corianda · 01/08/2026 07:47

I’m absolutely shocked that so many posters see it as unimportant that the boy spends time with his father growing up

edit to say everyone will come back claiming that the father is what ?cruel or that that is not what they are saying - but they are - a father in a teenage boys life is just about the most important thing even a selfish one

Edited

Maybe if the father was interested in him?

Sounds as if they do what the father & eldest want but not the youngest.

And he's also not allowed to go & do what he wants alone.

Maybe things have improved since Op first posted.

I'd be wanting him to come home if they haven't though.

chocoluv · 01/08/2026 07:55

If he was in danger or scared etc then I’d not think twice but he just sounds fed up and bored, so I wouldn’t go and get him.

I used to hate going to my dads because we’d be cooped up in a tiny flat with nothing to do but you just suck it up.

He’s got his brother and his phone so it’s not like he’s in the middle of no where with nothing or no one else.

Tell him to explore the local area etc

Comeinsideforacupoftea · 01/08/2026 08:05

Corianda · 01/08/2026 07:06

So the youngest will no longer have time with his dad , just the older one, as the wee whinger wants to go see a movie.but didn’t get and next time you’ll let the wee soul stay home with mummy!
Sounds to me like the wee whinger needs to spend a lot more time with someone grumpy and less tolerant, life is not a bed of roses -and the wee pet has been made to go to 2 nasty ,rough, noisy football matches. Awwww diddums.

What a spiteful and obtuse post. Dad obviously favours DS1 and is deliberately making this stay miserable for him. Why on earth should he have to put up with this shit?!

Comeinsideforacupoftea · 01/08/2026 08:15

OP I wouldn't be driving all that way to collect him but I'd be videoing with him asap and encouraging him to make his own way home.This will encourage him to both stand up to dad and brother and learn a bit of independence. Do not force or even encourage him to stay though. He's more than old enough to make autonomous decisions and way too old to be forced into contact with a deadbeat parent who at best doesn't give a shit and at worst is a horrible bully. In addition to this he's only got a few more summers that he'll get all this time off in Summer to just be carefree and do what he wants. Don't ruin it by forcing a miserable time on him. Neither of you owe anything to his arsehole dad and the courts will see it that way too if it comes to it

Stompythedinosaur · 01/08/2026 08:17

I wouldn't pick up unless I thought they were unsafe, but I wouldn't make them go again. Ex sounds like a shit dad.

Corianda · 01/08/2026 08:23

This is hilarious - the world renowned Edinburgh festival is on at the moment - people travel from all over the world to it - bus fares are free for under 21s in Scotland - the boys could be making there way there and having a ball but no …….

PinkNeonSign · 01/08/2026 08:26

Urgh, your ex sounds totally useless OP, what’s going on sounds like a broader issue caused by him not being in their daily lives and probably not having much idea about the boys, their personalities and what they like to do. I’d go and get him, you’ll probably find the other wants to come back too. If not, I wouldn’t agree to them going for so long again, it’s a situation forced by him moving so far away which he should have thought about before he did it.

Seajaye · 01/08/2026 08:28

briefinnopo · 30/07/2026 18:05

I can't have a conversation with ex about it as he's always of the opinion that ds has to “man up” and stop being so sensitive etc. And hell likely blame me for putting ideas into his head which I haven't done

He makes no effort with them which is a reason we split in the first place but it's even less now he's moved to Scotland. He's not working as he's a teacher

He said no to the cinema because neither he or ds1 have an interest in spiderman but ds2 doesn't have an interest in any of the football team's he's seen play but he's put up with it and hasn't done anything for him in nearly a week. He wouldnt put him on a train or take him to the station. He didn't even meet them from the station on Saturday they had to get the bus with all their stuff

I think given their ages and it's boredom rather than a safety issue, you son just needs to be encouraged to try to make the best of it. I'm surprised that his dad didn't agree to go to the cinema to balance out DS1 interests with DS2's but it sounds like he doesn't know their different personalities very well. This trip is an opportunity for their dad to spend some quality time with them and if he gets that wrong, by favouring one over the other, or by not taking enough interest in DS2 it's their dad's own fault

This is the first trip to see his dad and it sounds like DS2 won't be willing to go again . If you intervene, I think you risk being blamed by his dad for turning him against him. Your sons are of an age when they can make up their own minds if they want to make the trip again.

Just keeping contact with both sons to ask what they have done and seen etc and try to calm DS2 as best you can. No harm in promising a trip to cinema when he gets back if he doesn't get to see it.

HumberSquid · 01/08/2026 08:45

I wouldn't go get him, no. He can finish the visit, or he can liase w you and his dad and come home by train. Going forward, he's old enough to decide whether he wants to visit or not.

Comtesse · 01/08/2026 08:48

Corianda · 01/08/2026 07:06

So the youngest will no longer have time with his dad , just the older one, as the wee whinger wants to go see a movie.but didn’t get and next time you’ll let the wee soul stay home with mummy!
Sounds to me like the wee whinger needs to spend a lot more time with someone grumpy and less tolerant, life is not a bed of roses -and the wee pet has been made to go to 2 nasty ,rough, noisy football matches. Awwww diddums.

What is wrong with you??

TheHonestSnail · 01/08/2026 08:48

oviraptor21 · 01/08/2026 07:34

I think you'll find that most of the NEETs have parents who were barely there at all for them - a bit like DS2's dad in this scenario.

I think you'll find a large number have over-protective Mummies telling everyone what the DC can't do. Except it usually means won't or doesn't want to, not can't.

My favourite comment being 'he can't work, he doesn't like being told what to do'.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 01/08/2026 08:49

Your ex sounds like a complete w***. If he cared that much he would drive the distance and pick them up although I get that they should learn to be independent and use public transport at their age. He should be doing things with them that they both enjoy and it shouldnt be an ordeal for your youngest. Its quite sad to think he doesnt know what being a Dad is all about. That aside I wouldnt pick him up, not because of the journey, but because it will have a knock on effect. If he wants to come home then he needs to tell his Dad and let his Dad organise it.

thetinsoldier · 01/08/2026 09:02

Your poor sons. Your ex is really low-effort. Not even picking the boys up from the station? Selfish.

I’d call your son, see how he sounds today.

If he’s no better, I’d pick him up, I think. Maybe stay overnight so you split the drive up.

Heronwatcher · 01/08/2026 09:03

I would give it a bit longer but tell your DS that if he really does hate it you’ll collect him earlier than the 10th, but you either do it on public transport or stay nearby overnight.

It does sound like your ex isn’t being great but equally you only have your son’s side of events and at least your ex is trying. If your DS doesn’t want to go to football, maybe he could suggest something like he stays at home and watches something on the TV? I think they might just need a bit more time to get to know each other and work out a rough routine.