Hand hold needed - away with cheating DH

[Kelkell]

Changed name as a regular poster and don’t want to out myself.

I’m away with DH and our two DC currently, we have had a few rows in recent months and haven’t been intimate for a while either.

I have spent the first few days of the holiday (we’re here for 10 days) running around after the kids, co-ordinating the on site clubs and basically not relaxing. DH has spent most of his days led pool side with his headphones in and a drink.

He has been on his phone a lot more than on recent holidays. So when he was in the shower last night, I looked at it because I was suspicious.

There are numerous messages between him and another woman. Time stamps when he would have been pool side. One really hurtful one said he has a ‘beer and the sun, I just wish you were here too so I could see your milk tankers in a bikini’. She’s equally flirting back, it made me feel sick reading.

I managed to bring this up without the kids present, he said what do I expect when I won’t go near him anymore. Just really cold. He’s doing his own thing today, and I don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of the holiday 😥

@Kelkell your STBXH has found your MN account, be careful!

At least he now knows why you don’t want to shag him!

And the reward for the most misogynistic comment goes to …..

I'm so sorry for you, OP. Something fairly similar happened to me and there's no lonelier place than on holiday with a cheating . I just wanted to say, there's no such thing as him alone having the financial means to keep the home. In divorce you will get AT LEAST 50% of everything including his income - at least until the kids are 18. Do not share any plans with him. If he has a bank account you can't see, you need to take legal action fast to make sure he doesn't drain it and hide things or spend it all on 'milk tankers'. You're in shock at the moment, I know, but you need to get lawyer protection as soon as you possibly can. Phone one today.

I'd book yourself a flight home and leave him with the kids so he can get some good solo parenting practice! No way I'd be sharing a bed with him for one more night. Once you're home, get your ducks in a row and see a solicitor.

Can you go home early? If not, I would focus on the kids for the rest of the time. I’d grey rock him. Polite but not engaging. You can’t do much more than that for now but try not to get embroiled in arguing the toss with him while you are away. If he’s emotionally detached, I doubt you will get far.

Start doing your research about what you want going forwards. Personally I would be planning to leave and start looking at how you could practically manage. Men have a tendency to claim they want 50/50 and won’t have to pay maintenance when it’s theoretical but in reality I’ve found many don’t actually step up (my XH certainly didn’t). Start looking at finances. Remember you generally start from splitting everything 50/50 but if you work less to cover childcare, have put less into your pension, this can be taken into consideration. If you go on to entitledto.com you can see if you’d qualify for any benefits. Go on the child maintenance calculator to see what you could expect from there (50/50 there’s no maintenance expected but if you work around supporting the kids, look at the hours you usually cover).

I’m 4 1/2 years down the line from splitting with XH (sounds very similar. He said he didn’t cheat but he got with someone else so quickly that I suspect she was waiting in the wings). I’m far happier than I ever imagined I could be. Also DD is thriving for not living with parents who argue and spends little time with her father these days (her choice). It was tough for a bit but worth it in the end.

She'd get 50% of his monthly income?

Do her messages sound like AI?

This isn’t true.

There’s a massive message on the London diocese website (c of e) stating that spouses (and usually children) must leave the home and won’t be supported by that particular diocese.

Many many wives and children have been shoved out of their homes simply because they are living in vicarages and the church don’t care about anyone except the (usually) husbands/and the work being done- or they wouldn’t write such things on their websites for everyone to read!
Despite it being a low paid stressful job that causes a lot of splits!!
They wash their hands of the families asap in the many examples I’ve seen.
Quite unbiblical!

Wives and children don’t always get to stay in their homes, no. 😡

They should, but they don’t sadly.

MILK TANKERS WTF???

He sounds delightful, get rid of him when you get home, OP.

I think it’s obvious that you’re not going to just leave him with the kids. I’d throw myself into entertaining them and making it a great holiday for your children. Your husband can have the time with “company” and get used to being alone. If you did even get a day to yourself, I’m sure he’d use it as evidence he does so much more parenting than he does.

Plan to separate, get all your ducks in a row. Financial details, any and all evidence you can find. If necessary get a head start by tidying his passport away, which would be a him problem.

'Milk tankers' bleurgh. 'Company for the week' while he's on holiday with his wife and kids?

It sounds bad. @WheresThatCatGoneNow is barking up the wrong tree altogether, you not wanting to be intimate does not justify any of this.

For now, I'd say 'grey rock' him, focus on having fun with the kids and relaxing without them (good job that the hotel has kids' entertainment by sound of it). Let him whatsapp away.

When you come home, get legal advice. Your financial position in case of divorce may be less bad than you think. All the best.

All of the things he said are threats.. designed to make you feel helpless.

But you are not helpless. You can get a good lawyer and your kids know which parent looks after them the most and who they can rely on.

You are the DC's main caregiver and if he wanted the kids "as much as he could" he's certainly not displaying that at the moment and I am guessing has not pulled his weight at all for a while

Family might put up with palming off initially, but when it becomes a full time thing and he expects them to drop what they are doing and do it all for him like you do, I predict they won't be happy about that long term.

"Company for the week" is so bloody insulting... since its a family holiday, his own family unit is supposed to be company for the week. Its time away from his "Lucrative" job to spend with his own children. Most decent dads look forward to enjoying a holiday with the children, and having time to play with them. Its one of the things that make up for some of the earlier sleepless nights. He's a miserable piece.

I’ll offer some solidarity with a tale that might cheer you up, OP. I went on a skiing holiday with now ex-DP years ago. I had never skied before and turned out to be totally shit at it (as in “remedial” rather than just “beginner”). The absolute cuntmeister cheated on me, on the actual holiday, with a woman from another group, while I had to smile and chit chat my way through dinner with his friends every night.

He blamed my poor skiing prowess. There’s always some feeble little excuse with these men.

Courage. And at least you won’t spend another minute of your precious life being married to a man who says “milk tankers”. 🤮

Id leave him with the kids and fly home ... as long as you think it's safe to do so.

I could have written this myself many years ago except I found out about his latest fling just before we left home and decided to go through with the holiday for the kid's sake. I spent the holiday watching him cynically wondering what on earth I'd ever seen in him and plotting the future. When we got home I saw a solicitor and got the ball rolling with a divorce.
The kids are now grown and I made a good life for myself. I would have been much better off financially staying with my ex, but I've never regretted the decisions I made on that awful holiday!
Good luck with whatever you decide but remember, you deserve the best x

To be honest. I’d leave him purely for using the phrase ‘milk tankers’.

what a twat.

OP get your head together sharpish. Get through the holiday, take plenty of time out where he has to parent his children, and book and appointment for a solicitor for when you are back.

Op are you in a position to book flights home!
There's no coming back from this , and how bloody cheeky of him sitting there txt her while your running around looking after the kids,

Honestly op i have no words for what your h is,

Just because he says that doesn’t make it true. You’re married. Get some legal advice to see where you’d stand

What do you want to d do you want? Is to try to save the marriage, or separate/divorce, as it makes a difference.

If I were you I'd fly back home, and at least secure the roof over my children's and my heads, while I worked out what I wanted and while I looked at the finances.. Don't rush into anything too quickly and don't move out of the home . Don't force him into the arms of other woman either, at least, not just yet. . Revenge is a dish best served cold. Get legal and financial advice on your options .

The 'milk tankers' comment is probably up there amongst the top 10 cringiest comments made by a man 🤮 It would be laughable if it wasn't so utterly embarrassingly bad.

Your husband has mentally checked out of your marriage. He's being cool towards you and clearly isn't in the least bit bothered you know he's communicating with another woman. He isn't going to stop, now that you know either.

Coming home is likely not an option, it means extra money being spent on a flight home. The same goes for purchasing another room (even if one is available), it's extra money and also it means the children will ask questions. Your best bet OP, is to tell your husband that childcare will be split between you both during the day and at night. Grey rock him, as much as possible. Be calm, cool and polite. I'm.not saying it will be easy, but you need to remain indifferent, and not fret over this woman.

Your husband may not necessarily know this woman or has met her. If the conversation only started a few days before you left, my guess is that she may be a random he's smooth talked online. Easy enough to swap WhatsApp numbers with her. She may not be aware of your existence or the fact you have children (equally she may).

It's irrelevant who she is to be honest. The fact remains that your husband isn't interested in you or his children. Once home, you need to gather as much paperwork as possible. Book an initial consultation with a solicitor. Look at your finances. Do you work? Can your husband afford to buy you out of the house? Could you manage the mortgage on your own? Keep your cards close to your chest. Give your husband zero idea what's going on in your head! He's not on your team, and no longer has your best interests at heart.

In divorce you will get AT LEAST 50% of everything including his income - at least until the kids are 18.

Why would Op get 50% of his income?

I agree.
There is a difference between going through a few stressful, sleep-deprived months where physical intimacy naturally takes a back seat. But if it goes on for a long time and nothing is done to address it, that is a choice.

I know many people in sexless marriages, but they either chose to work on the problem through therapy and communication, or they made an agreement to have an open relationship. Ignoring the issue and hoping it will disappear is how you end up here.

I’m not saying this is entirely your fault, but being unwilling to address a complete lack of intimacy and then being shocked that your partner looks for it elsewhere is unrealistic. You can’t neglect a major part of a relationship for a long time and expect there to be no consequences.

Milk tankers? Blaming you for another woman?

What does he bring to your life OP? He sounds less than delightful. I am sorry that you're going through this though, truly. Sounds like can do better though.

Milk tablets? Putting the udder into shudder 🤮

I'm guessing you get turned on by phrases like Milk Tankers? No?