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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not attending a friends wedding

220 replies

OonaghBhuna · 26/06/2008 17:09

An old friend of mine is getting married tomorrow.On Wednesday night I went over to their house with my present for them. Almost as soon as I had got home they phoned to say that they thought the present was awful and could i come back to collect it because they didnt like it at all.
They said ' we dont do ornaments and did you not know that we want vouchers'
So like a mug I went around and felt utterly humiliated and upset.
They were so rude and disrespectful to us that I cant bring myself to go.I am angry aswell as upset. I dont want to celebrate their maariage as I feel our friendship is over, I am shocked that I dont really know them at all......

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 26/06/2008 23:07

no,i think she shoudl go, enjoy the free food and wine and whatnot. but NOT presents, absolutely not.

handlemecarefully · 26/06/2008 23:09

Apology or not, drop them - arsewipes!

dittany · 26/06/2008 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenAK · 26/06/2008 23:11

Give it a miss, it'll be horrible. If they are/used to be friends, you probably won't enjoy rubbing their sorry noses in it anyway.

Return pressie & spend money on something nice for you.

Moomin · 26/06/2008 23:13

I don't think I could go and genuinely enjoy myself after all this. A wedding is - or should be - about wishing a couple love and good luck for their lives together. I really don't think I could attend with best wishes for them - it would totally stick in my craw.

...and as this isn't soapland, where people have standup rows with one another one minute and are bezzy mates the next, you have every right to feel very hurt.

A bridezilla I was good friends with took exception to a remark I made in all innocence about her flowers (her flowers FGS! and she didn't speak to me for 3 months . I was beside myself trying to work out what I'd done. When she finally came clean and told me I felt like slapping her. We kind of made it up and her wedding was a little while after, but I just didnt feel the same about her after that. I went to the wedding because it would have been more hassle not to, IYKWIM, but I may as well have been watching a film of it: i felt nothing for either of them on the day and dh and I left mid-eveing because we'd had enough.

Don't go.

thumbwitch · 26/06/2008 23:17

The only reason you should go is if there are lots of other people there that you want to see and wouldn't see otherwise in the near future.If you do go, be coolly polite to the "happy couple" to show you are the better human and then drop them after.
If there aren't that many people you want to see, don't go. And either way, they dont deserve a present.

blueskythinker · 26/06/2008 23:39

I wouldn't go. How do you know them? Are they your friends or your DH's? Who was the main friend, Bride or Groom?

TheFallenMadonna · 26/06/2008 23:55

Well, I'm going to go against the flow here and say you should go.

What they did was absolutely jaw-droppingly rude, no question, but if you don't go, I think this friendship may be irrevocable. It may be irrevocable of course, but better to make a more considered decision about it.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2008 00:11

Just because someone apologises doesn't make it all hunky dory again IRL.

If you don't feel you can truly celebrate because of their behaviour, then don't go.

There is no excuse for treating a pal this way.

If someone gives you a friggin' candle stub in good faith as a gift then you fucking thank them for it and move on.

Life is too short to waste time with adults who can't control themselves planning a friggin' wedding - it's hardly world peace negotiations.

eidsvold · 27/06/2008 02:16

i'm with you expat - that is ridiculous.... tantrummy toddler behaviour. I would not accept that kind of rudeness from my toddler let alone two grown ups.

I bet they only apologised cause they realised how selfish and pathetic it made them seem and that someone other than you knew. They could not even reflect themselves and think - woah - hang on - that was so rude.... like little children they needed a 'parent' to say hey that was rude or whatever.

Moomin · 27/06/2008 09:29

It's a good point actually - there's no way on earth we'd let our children behave like this!

I'll bet that when the wedding and honeymoon are over and they have time to reflect (no doubt after they've gone into a depression because life will be empty without their wedding to fuss and obsess over).

maybe it'll even take up to when they've got a PFB (because I can't believe anyone with kids would behave like this - I'm sure they'd be more go-with-the-flow) and she's sitting there crying on the sofa at 4am with her norks hanging out of her nightie trying to get the baby to latch on, and he's insane with lack of sleep and they're staring at their perfectly matching and co-ordinated wedding paraphenalia surrounding them and they really just how pointless and useless that stuff is for them, and they realise they haven't seen any of their old friends for quite some time now and it would be nice to see someone who knows what it's like - a proper friend, then MAYBE they'll realise just what a pair of precious wankers they have been.

Maybe...

Original poster
OonaghBhuna · 27/06/2008 09:40

Thank you so much to everybody. We are more friendly with the groom. We have known him since we were teenagers ( both dh and myself) We are now almost middle aged
Since he has apologised and stated that he wants us to go we have decided to go.

However it doesnt change the way I feel about them, they have hurt me and DH.They are not real friends and certainly not my type of a person to be friends with...

There will be alot of childhood 'friends' there today people that I do want to spend time with. We wont see much of the bride and groom they will be busy moaning about their naff presents

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive, I will be off line until Sunday what with the wedding and other family committments, will let you know how it all went.......

OP posts:
HelensMelons · 27/06/2008 09:47

Oonaghbhuna

Think you have made the right choice - you're right it probably wont ever be the same but you will have seen all the other friends that you want to and you will have passed yourself with the two dickheads.

It says more about them than you - just make sure you look amazing! and let us know how you get on!

Original poster
OonaghBhuna · 27/06/2008 09:50

Oh I will kook amazing just a shame I didnt get that wedding dress from ebay and I really wish I could bring that fox......:O

OP posts:
Rosylily · 27/06/2008 09:58

rofl at the fox
Have a lovely day at the wedding!

ummadam · 27/06/2008 10:02

you are right to go

if this blows over/gets sorted out/turns out to be bride-zilla behaviour that they really regret and you are friends still in 20years time....you will really regret it if you didn't go.

if it marks the end of your friendship and you pass up the opportunity to leave on the higher moral ground/without a jeremy kyle style showdown/enjoy a party with your other friends... then you will really regret it if you don't go

enjoy the wedding, try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but send them a lovely card after the wedding thanking them for a lovely day and expressing your sadness that they did not appreciate the present you carefully handpicked for them. Do not send vouchers!

bubblerock · 27/06/2008 11:01

Have a good time - maybe you could get a little bit of revenge by placing a free ad for them in the local rag or online for a free bugaboo or something equally sought after, their telephone won't stop ringing for days

Dragonbutter · 27/06/2008 11:08

Have a good time.
But do not discuss the issue with her at all.
Even if she wants to talk about it later in the evening.
Just say 'now is not a good time, enjoy your day, we can talk it over later'

Can't wait for the update.

littlelapin · 27/06/2008 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EffiePerine · 27/06/2008 11:13

I expect there will be some choice Bridezilla behaviour on the day to report back

well done for being so gracious about the whole thing

lottiejenkins · 27/06/2008 11:16

Have just read thru this and feel your being very good going to the wedding! Isnt that fox hideous... can you imagine walking into a room and switching on the light to be confronted with that? EEEEEEEEEEK!

motherinferior · 27/06/2008 11:52

Wasn't it Caligula (as she was then called) who pointed out that there are actually limits to Bridezilla acceptability - 'invading small countries' was invoked...

expatinscotland · 27/06/2008 16:35

I just don't get why a wedding is any excuse for behaviour most wouldn't find acceptable from a 4-year-old.

I hope the OP didn't bother replacing their gift.

itati · 27/06/2008 17:21

So if he hadn't have had the "word has spread" phone call he wouldn't have realised how rude they were and wouldn't have apologised?

Wedding stress by eye. Plain rudeness and no excuse for it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/06/2008 20:47

What is Caligula called now?