To think if I’d had my time over, I’d have stuck at one child

[knighttime]

I know a lot of people think it’s easier because they play together but honestly life with just one child seems so much nicer, calmer, so much lovely one to one time devoted to one, their interests tailored for and you get to properly enjoy parenting.

I seem to be really unique on this as everywhere I see having two is easier and I don’t see it myself?

I never understand these threads as all they ever turn into is people getting defensive over their own choices or people telling people that their own experience of something (such as being an only child or finding parenting more than one child is easier) is wrong despite not knowing anything about the posters life.

The answer to this is it's entirely individual. There are some parents who DO find it easier parenting one. They maybe feel more laid back, less anxious and less pressured and if that's their experience then it really isn't for anyone to argue with or challenge unless you actually know the poster on a personal level. Similarly other people are glad to have stuck to have one and that shouldn't be challenged either.

The amount of children a person has and whether they find it easy is dependent on a number of things. The personality of children, the parents own bandwidth for parenting, support, finances and personal desires etc.

For me personally, I grew up with similarly age siblings and I have great memories of just playing with my siblings, the games we made up, the in-jokes we had. I didn't have poor social skills, I had plenty friends too who I'm still friends with to this day. But growing up with siblings added a dimension to my life that couldn't be replicated with friends or playing with a parent could have done. They made holidays better as we had ready made playmates, the games and memories you make with a sibling on holiday just can't be replicated with finding a friend. And many kids even with great social skills don't want to be forced to make friends on a holiday. And playing with my parents was never rhe same as playing with my siblings.

These were my reasons for having two based on my own experience. I wanted to give them what I had or a chance too. And of course it is a risk but everything is a risk whether you have one or 5 child.

And of course before people come at me, I don't think only children are lonely etc.

This annoys me. You don't have two children so HOW could you possibly know what parents of two children are thinking. I don't get why parents of only children (and vice versa) need to invalidate the experiences and thoughts of parents of more than child to justify their own decision.

I had siblings but I had plenty friends and was able to entertain myself. Me enjoying having siblings to play with at home and on holiday was in absolutely no relation to my social skills. Friends aren't always available, less so on holiday. It's like saying all only children are lonely which of course isn't true and it work both ways

And that's great you dont find it a hardship playing with your child. But some people do especially having to play for long periods of time or being your child's main playmate. And actually that's ok, because really as an adult we aren't biologically wired to be our children's peers or main playmate. Kids play with each other on a different level than they do with a parent or adult and for some parents they do find it easier having more than one for this reason. If that's their experience then I don't know how you can argue with this, if you dont experience it yourself.

People can be so oddly dismissive about wanting a playmate for your child as a reason for more than one. But so much of our childhood and core memories are centred around play and given how vital is for childhood, I think it's a perfectly valid reason.

Of course having one is also valid. I know plenty happy, social and well adjusted only children of all ages. But if you're secure and confident in your decision to have one, I dont get this need by others on here to argue and try and take down others to have more than one.

The mother of an only advising other parents to stick at one is actually insane. You don’t know what you’re talking about you have not had two children. Surely the only advice of any vague value is from someone further down the same path.

Also it’s a very silly debate as is dependent entirely on subjective feelings and the personalities involved so extrapolating your own experience onto others is pretty meaningless.

Dd2 is brilliant fun and utterly life enhancing our lives would have been much duller and flatter without her. If she was a bloody nightmare I would likely say I wish we’d stopped at one.

It's no more 'insane' than lots of the other 'advice' I see regularly trotted out on here. I mean, have as many children as you like, obviously, but don't then come on Mn whining about envying your sister her easier life when she has half the number of children you do, so obviously she has more time and more money. And don't have a child you don't particularly want while labouring under the delusion that you are giving your existing child some kind of exemplary 'gift', and then moan when they never get on. Don't have a child at all if it's only out of a sense of 'well, that's what everyone does'.

But I don't understand this response that is similar from other parents of onlies on here, who seem so angry and critical of someone's choice to more than one child.

If you're so confident and secure in your choice to have one, than why does it matter how many children others have? What impact does it have on you?

And so what if they do complain? Why would have anything to do with you? And more so, why can't they be allowed to complain or say they find it hard at times? You can still love your children and know you made the right decision in having more than one and still have days where you find it hard and tough. That's life and parenting in general, we all have good and bad days and further more people are allowed to say that and express their difficulties no matter how many children you have. This idea that you must never ever complain, never had hard days or times and be allowed to speak about them is a completely damaging one.

It genuinely doesn’t bother me what others choose to do. My life would undoubtedly be easier, pleasanter and actually enjoyable with one child. With two, it just isn’t and that’s not a reflection on them, it’s how I honestly feel.

Fair enough. It’s all a gamble isn’t it. A friend said the same in utter distress as she’s an only herself and her dc2 is sen and extremely challenging. Heartbreaking.

FWIW I know lots of now late teen only children who are sociable confident and gorgeous the slightly odd comment is unfair.

Your children might not get on as adults. Things can change when you've left home , maybe got partners, different lives etc.
Even if your kids are ok now, just look at the people who don't talk to their siblings now.
Start a thread do you see your siblings. You will get a wide variety of answers.

Siblings can actually be a form of great stress.

Equally some siblings DO get on and are a great source of support for one another and have relationships with each other that are the most important in their life and some of the most significant.

I see this time and time on here. Every time an only child complains they were lonely as a child or a parent with more than one child speaks about how well their children get on and how they are glad they are had more than one, some parents (usually those with only children) are absolutely desperate to hammer home this point how siblings don't get on and can be a great source of stress to each other. The OP knows her children better than you and has stressed she has adult children who do get on. Why this need to invalidate their lived experience.

Of course some people don't get on with their siblings. But equally some people hate being an only child and feel loneliness and wish for siblings but there seems to be a denial of this by some posters that this happens.

This is why I think parents need to have the family that looks and feels right for them, not based on a projection of what their existing child might want.

I had one child for that reason. I did not consider whether my child would be lonely, deprived, unable to navigate life or unable to problem solve and deal wit conflict or have someone to play with.

She is now an adult and can do all of those things.

I had one child because I did not want to have a children from multiple fathers (I split up with DDs father when she was 3) and having one child really did suit my life, my career and my personality.

For us it has been a success. Each to their own. I can’t say which is better, I can only speak from my experience.

There was 13 year age gap beween my mum and her brother, so she felt that she was an only child and hated it.

So she had two girls, two years apart, my sister and I. We hated each other from day 1. Constant screaming, fighting and turned her life into a battleground. Once we became teens, things settled into a simmering cold war, where we mostly stopped fighting, but also dropped any pretense of a relationship.

Some siblings are best friends, some hate each other, and some just never interact again once they are out of the house. I haven't spoken to my sister in years, and, following my mother's passing, will probably never speak to her again.
I would have been happier without my sister in my life. For all the trouble she's caused, my parents probably would have been happier as well, though they would never say that.

I 100% get where you are coming from.

I think there are so many factors to consider. Whilst I love my second child to bits without covid I am not sure we'd have had him. We had to shield for over a year and I just felt that there was this empty space at the dining room table. Before having kids we always said we would be one and done.

Without Covid I'd have gone back to work and whilst I'd always wonder what if I'd just have enjoyed my eldest.

I only have one. Didn't have any choice in the matter as I split up with her father when she was small and was too old by then for any more. Never particularly hankered for any more but it has sometimes crossed my mind to wonder what other children would have been like.

I love having one. My relationship with her is very close and, although I can't prove a counterfactual, I am pretty sure that it wouldn't have been as close if I'd had more than one. I'm able to give her more, both financially and emotionally, than I would if I had a brood. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing but I love it.

I think a lot of this depends on the children. In theory it's a lovely idea to have a gaggle of children who keep each other company and play together all the time etc, in practice my observation is that a lot of siblings fight a lot. Maybe it's character building but at this particular stage of my life I can do without it.

No regrets about not having multiple children at all. Even if I could have more children now I wouldn't.

I completely agree with this: I find it bizarre the idea that people feel that their child is "owed" a sibling. It's a weird projection of some Victorian idea of family normalcy and it bears no resemblance to real life.

No one is owed any family at all: a child with one loving and capable parent is doing pretty well. Also it's far from guaranteed that siblings will get on or like one another. In an awful lot of families there's loads of friction between siblings.

Well of course no one is owed a sibling or anything at all but I don't think there is anything wrong at all with WANTING your child to have a sibling especially if your life and childhood was enriched by your siblings. It seems like a perfectly logical choice as it was for me.

Yes no one is "owed" a family but don't most of us have kids because we want a family. I wanted my child to have immediate family of more than just their parents and I make absolutely no apology for that.

Yes they might not get on. But maybe they will, maybe they'll be each other's closest relationship. It's exactly the same gamble as having an only child. Some people thrive as only children and are very happy. Others hate it and are miserable and lonely and wish for siblings. Their lived experience shouldn't be denied.

This is why it's the same on these threads. There's no right answer. Each situation is unique and we never know how anything will play out.

I dont get this though, acceptance that its acceptable to sneer or dismiss the reasons people might want more than one child. It would be seem as unacceptable to turn to someone with one child and tell them they might be lonely and unhappy but seems acceptable to berate those that have more than one child that they as siblings won't get on and they are all doomed to a life of stress and misery.

@Batcats

I dont get this though, acceptance that its acceptable to sneer or dismiss the reasons people might want more than one child. It would be seem as unacceptable to turn to someone with one child and tell them they might be lonely and unhappy but seems acceptable to berate those that have more than one child that they as siblings won't get on and they are all doomed to a life of stress and misery.

I'm not sneering at anyone and I don't think anyone else is? Of course if you want more than one child (and providing you can afford it) you should have more.

But the default is still very much that it's somehow more normal/healthy to have more than one child. I've seen people on here routinely suggest that only children are lonely, selfish, poorly adjusted etc and that there's an obligation on parents to provide siblings if you can. The onus is still very much on people to have more than one child "to give them a brother or sister" as if this were a universally acknowledged good.

In fact having a sibling can be life-enriching and positive or it can be absolutely miserable. It's not a magic formula for a family.

But still people raise their eyebrows and dispense pity at parents who have only one child. There are still a lot of people who regard you as odd, unusual and sometimes selfish if you only have one.

I completely agree with you. The stereotypes of only children are outdated and misguided. And I've said as well there's no right answer or magic formula. Parents should do what they feel is best for them.

I just don't get (and I am aware you weren't doing this) why people need to question or challenge the decisions that people make for themselves whatever their family size. We've had people saying inaccurate things about only children. People telling someone with adult children the siblings might not get on when they were older (which they were) and people saying if you have more than one child, you have no right to moan how hard it is at times because you chose it. None of these things are ok.

One of the greatest pleasures of my life is seeing my 3 adult daughters get on and do things together. And now there’s a granddaughter added into the mix as well my heart explodes ! I know there’s no guarantees that siblings will get on but I’m so glad I had all three !

@Batcats

I just don't get (and I am aware you weren't doing this) why people need to question or challenge the decisions that people make for themselves whatever their family size. We've had people saying inaccurate things about only children. People telling someone with adult children the siblings might not get on when they were older (which they were) and people saying if you have more than one child, you have no right to moan how hard it is at times because you chose it. None of these things are ok.

The optimal size and shape of a family is personal to that family and it's none of anyone else's business. No one should be providing unsolicited commentary about the number of children another family has unless they are financially responsible for them. It never ceases to amaze me that people see fit to air their views on other people's family plans or, my particular pet hate, ask them how many children they are planning to have or why did they have x number. It's so crass and intrusive.

I don't think, however, that should stop people discussing in the abstract the puts and takes of having one or more children, though. It's a really important decision in people's lives, it seems reasonable to talk about it.

The problem is some people do take it personally, whether that’s someone having one child or someone having more than one. Neither choice is wrong but I can say now that I believe adding to my family was wrong for me.

I do love ds2, dearly and I appreciate the fact I got to experience pregnancy and birth in non Covid times and a ‘normal’ maternity leave. But ds1 has missed out and I don’t think ds2 has added anything to his life he wouldn’t have already had from close friendships. He is a gregarious and outgoing child who easily makes friends. He has one friend (who is an only and likely to stay that way) who he is very close to and lots of others. I can go to a soft play or park and he’ll make a friend no problem. I know a life with just him would be in all honesty easy enough; he eats, he sleeps, he can ride a bike, he can swim. He is far from perfect and needs support with academics (which I feel ill equipped to help him with as ds2 is around) and generally sometimes needs more one to one than I can give him. But life with just him would be easy, out of the trenches.

As it is I have to manage him and his relationship with ds2 and it’s that which is tricky. And I hate saying I regret it but honestly I do, and I’m finding it hard to move past it which is stupid as I can’t exactly do anything about it now!

Have you considered that you may be suffering with post partum depression op? Not that you have to be to feel the way you do but I thimk looking at your child and thinking Gosh you add NOTHING to our lives and it would be so much better without you is a very extreme view.

I sometimes joke about the life we'd have if we hadn't had any kiss or the twins. I imagine if I'd got pregnant a month later for my eldest and that egg had divided how it was meant to and he didn't have additional needs. Or the second egg didn't split. But I also know what they all add to my life. To ea h others lives. I can see what they'll add to the world.

As much as you love your daughter, she is going to sense that she's a burden you regret

No, that’s not how it is @SleepingStandingUp , I obviously haven’t explained it well. I think with both of them I just prefer them infinitely when the other is not around. They are lovely kids alone. Together they aren’t, and that was something I just didn’t bank on.

It's true that two is harder physically because of the extra drudgery work but easier in every other way ime.
Mine are two years apart so we're as thick as thieves when little. Close friends and family with one were always compensating. Either by having to play and entertain the child all the time or seeking friends/ playmates for them.

@TheOcelot that is definitely true of some peoples experiences, it just isn’t true of mine.