To think if I’d had my time over, I’d have stuck at one child

[knighttime]

I know a lot of people think it’s easier because they play together but honestly life with just one child seems so much nicer, calmer, so much lovely one to one time devoted to one, their interests tailored for and you get to properly enjoy parenting.

I seem to be really unique on this as everywhere I see having two is easier and I don’t see it myself?

You can’t help how you feel I suppose but I feel sorry for you feeling that way when you have more than one.

Having our first child was definitely a big change to our lives but we loved him so much that we knew we wanted another. When we had our second, things felt perfect and I remember just feeling so lucky.

We have a 5 year age gap. Our son loved his sister from day one and they have always got on really well. They are 23 and 18 and are still very close. They never argued or fought as children and there wasn’t competition like so many siblings have which I think was because the age gap was too big. Our oldest looked after his little sister and she looked up to him and it just worked.

When I look at them now, I think we should have had more children. I didn’t have good pregnancies or births though so that meant we stuck with two and feel very fortunate to have had them.

I had one. Growing up my sister and I fought like cat and dog for the first 18 years. I wasn’t risking that

What nonsense. I'm an only and my parents were both very social, especially my DF, right up to the end of their lives.

I have no children myself and have no intention of being lonely in old age (and I'm already 67). I loved being an only and never once wished I had siblings.

My DH had a sibling, they were never close and haven't spoken in over 25 years except out of necessity when a parent died.

A husband and wife are each others support and friendship. Why would bringing in a third person to a relationship be comparable to a second sibling. It’s not.

Replying as the youngest of four.

Which is a perfectly valid perspective.

I'm an only with an only and I do think there's something quite magical and brilliant about being an only child. I feel like Mumsnet is maybe a bit skewed to people with larger families as I rarely meet anyone with more than 2 in real life and at my work for example majority of parents in my generation have only one child. I can see the upside to having more though so I guess you have to focus on the good aspects. Both have advantages and disadvantages.

Same here. Having a sibling very definitely has not 'benefitted me for the rest of my life'. We despise each other and I wish I'd been an only child.

How much older until they get closer? They are both in their 30s I

It's still valid that introducing a sibling takes time money attention etc from the first , then breaks your belongings ( can't leave anything about with a toddler sibling) argues and fights, winds you up deliberately , and they are expected to at least get along with the person who has appeared dolng this ( the sibling) despite having no choice about it,

Then to be told ithe sibling is " for them". Talk about adding insult to injurt

Op your story is so sad. It’s not about the number of children, it’s the fact that you haven’t bonded as well with one of them. how old are they?

my two are chalk and cheese. One very like me, one like her dad. When they were younger I struggled to ‘understand’ the older one. She seemed to have very little empathy, thought very differently from how I did and I although I loved her very deeply l admit I didn't ‘get’ her.

Then Covid hit and we spent an awful lot of time together. That helped me to see that she is different but oh my gosh just as wonderful and in some ways extraordinarily wonderful. She was just little and growing and different from me. That’s in many ways a huge advantage! Similar does not mean better. I now look at my eldest and her dad and think she got the absolute best of him in so many wonderful ways.

you need to work on this. But I think from the tenor of your posts that you know that already.

I have 3, very happy with 3. But very ill after each birth, I say I would have preferred one but could I choose with one !! The one changes each time

Two is never going to be easier than one.

As a parent of teens, I honestly think it goes in phases. It’s harder when they are little - definitely. But as they grow up, I’d say it was swings and roundabouts - sometimes it’s a lot easier with the two of them as they amuse each other/do stuff together. (Caveat - my two get on well, which I know isn’t guaranteed!).

@Longtimelurker1980 they are both great children, apart, it really is that simple.

I have personally never liked the ‘how would you feel if your husband brought another wife home’ comparison. I don’t think suggesting parents who have more than one child are on the same level as adulterers is very fair and it also isn’t true, it’s a totally different relationship. I think it’s more akin to a close friend introducing you to another close friend where the three of you may hit it off but may not … and even if you do hit it off three is a tricker number.

There is also a cost consideration and in all honesty I know now I’m not well suited to small children. One is manageable though.

God you sound like hard work. A compliment is patronising now!?

And yes, you were condescending.

There's some very triggered mums of multiple here 😂

Yes, same here. You would struggle to believe our two adult daughters were brought up in the same household. They are completely opposite personalities who never shared anything together even though they are 18 months apart. They can just about be in each other's company for two days at Christmas. They are both close to their brother and will go on holiday with him and have no problem sharing space and activities with him, as long as it is not both together.

I mean that’s maybe something you heard? I most definitely had my older two close together for them to have each other. I would never have made it about their whole identity though.

My youngest would definitely appreciate someone closer in her age but she still feels the advantage of a busy house and a brother and sister who do nice things with her.

To be fair though my oldest wasn’t even 2 when her db came along. So she doesn’t remember any feelings one way or another.

It's what I lived when my brother was born.

Like " don't leave your stuff about because it's dangerous for him" " you can't have a pyramid ice lolly because he's too young and it wouldn't be fair" ( still remember that 50 years one. ) " don't have a goat him even though he's been winding you up constantly, he's only young" He really didn't add any positives to my life

I just don’t think you can say for sure what will happen either way. It’s like anything. I’ve known parents of children close in age where they all love it; the children are super close, and I’ve also known them really not get on and in all honesty everyone’s been quite miserable as a result. Both those are extremes and not necessarily representative of normal family life and most people fall somewhere between those two polar regions if you like where the kids get on well sometimes and sometimes don’t. Neither bliss nor hell.

Then I’ve also known a lot of only children very happy in that situation or with large age gaps where they get on well. One of my close friends at school was an only until she was fourteen as her dad passed away when she was four. Her mum did meet someone else and they had another DD. The two girls were and are so close and while it may not have been a traditional sibling relationship it’s certainly a loving one. I’ve also known large age gaps where they feel like ‘two only children.’ You just can’t tell what will happen with relationships.

Thats why I’m thinking in terms of what would have been best for me, not them! And I can honestly say as much as I love them I would have been happier with just one.

Another thing we have noticed is how all 3 of ours, who are all adults and dating, have specifically said they find it difficult to connect with potential partners who are only children. All 3 currently have partners who have 2 siblings. I have 2 siblings and my partner has 2 siblings. Not sure if partners with siblings have fundamentally different personalities that are attractive if you are not an only child yourself, or if it's just what you are familiar with.

Do you think you may be leading them though @Goatsarebest ? I mean, I’m thinking back to my ‘dating days’ and someone’s siblings and whether they had them or not was not really something I ever gave any thought to!

No. They all live away from home and we only see partners when they introduce them. I don't think it's a question on a first date about siblings, but after a few dates it seems to be that they don't share the same outlooks or make connections. One even said to us 'he's an only child' when she split up with a partner. As if that explained everything😂
Our son is definitely very comfortable in company of young women and very respectful and suportive of his girlfriend. There is no doubt he has benefitted from having two older sisters in his life.

I'm quite happy with one, we were lucky to manage to have a child after a long journey parenthood. Having another wasn't ever an obvious possibility. Plus we had the vision 'just the three of us' and never moved that on.

I think the best thing is to make peace with what you have and find the joy. There are sometimes challenges to this. For those with one, I suspect most of us have had the situation where that one wishes they had siblings and questions your 'choice' to make them an only. Those with more than one likely get the reverse at times.

We have mostly been very lucky with our parenthood journey. However, it's definitely not always been the quiet life or necessarily easier than those with more than one. A grumpy teen versus 2 grumpy teens, it's not that different. The most challenging moment for us was DS facing serious illness in young adulthood. When the first of several medics said 'he's your only child?' the pain at the pit of my stomach was the worst through the time of his illness.