AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

[Fluffyscrubberdo]

As a stay at home mum how often do you get this judgement online vs real life?
It seems no one really says it in real life but there seems to be so much vitriol on here that there must be a fair amount of people who think it.
Has anyone made a rude comment to you in person?
Or are you a person who think sahm’s are lazy?

AIBU to think sometimes a sahm is in a family’s best interest?

The research doesn't line up with your experience though

I think each to their own, however what I do find infuriating (but also think it just makes them sound a bit thick) is when they say, as a stay at home parent of school age children, that they are so busy, it’s exhausting, it’s a full time job in itself etc.

It isn’t. They’re doing what every working parent does on top of working, potentially minus a couple of hours of afterschool club.

I'm a full time working Mum and I'm lazy. As evidenced by the fact I'm on Mumsnet at 9.20am.

Some people are lazy, regardless of how their day spent.

My Mum was a SAHM and we lived rurally so it was hard for her to get out of the role when it didn’t really work for her.

Also we lived near where my Dad is from so she had a lack of support network.

She was obviously very unhappy and that combined with my Dad hating his job meant it wasn’t a great set up for anyone. I don’t think it was good for us to have her so unhappy.

I was a SAHM and loved it, definitely the best thing for DS (ASD).

I am also lazy and I love that too.

Please send a link to this research.

As long as the family is self sufficient and not claiming a multitude of benefits, I say lucky them for having the opportunity. Not lazy when kids are young, probably not lazy when they are at school, just able to do things they want to do such as gym and hobbies so it's a different world to those that need to work.

I'm a SAHM
For nearly 30 years now .
I hate it
I feel judged a lot
I've never had a works Christmas party ,ever in my life
I don't have my own money,I get carers allowance,but it goes to the bills .
I feel guilty buying anything I need
I can't imagine that anyone would choose this for fun
I have two adults with disabilities
I had the children close together so I could get back to work
By the time the eldest was 6 months old we were on the merry go round of hospital appointments trying to find out what was wrong..
So I wasn't able to go back to work,when my maternity leave finished
In society,your identity is closely wrapped around what you do for work
When you don't have that identity,it knocks your confidence,
And that knocks confidence in other areas of life to.
Plus ...once you loose your financial independence,as I have ,your dependent on your husband playing nice with money
Because I'm married I can't claim benefits..not that I would, because I'm not looking for work...how could i work with this situation..
This is it it ..for the rest of my life .
So I imagine most people choose this for financial reasons, because nursery costs are to high ,if women are on a low income to start with ,I suppose they think it's not worth paying nursery fees ,that are more than their income from work

I think it's not necessarily lazy (no more than working) and can be good for the family.
But I think it makes the woman ridiculously vulnerable to neglect her financial independence and her career, and to risk her DH moving in a different direction in life to the life she has carved out for herself. I have seen far too many divorces because a husband thinks he has "left his wife behind" whether that is intellectually, financially, etc. I also think husbands offering a stay at home life to their wives are not always well intentioned given it gives them the upper hand.
I never had the option but I'm glad for that.

No, shes saying “if you judge me then I’ll judge you”, not “I’m allowed to judge you but don’t you dare judge me”.

It isn't though. All research I've seen shows its the quality of care and attachment that is important for children and nothing do with whether a parent works or not. Research has shown that kids with working parents are equal to those with stay at home parents.

My grandmother grew up without advantage, had 8 kids and was a SAHM until her youngest was 8. My grandfather's mental health collapsed, he took to a chair for the rest of his life and she took a full time job in the insurance industry. My mother, towards the end of the family, was born in 1945. It was considered very unusual to be a working mother at the time according to my grandmother. Jane Austen's experience wasn't everyone's. If I was her descendant, I might feel differently.

I don't think I have made myself powerless with my life choices and I think ignorance is in the eye of the beholder JugBouquet.

True! The future is unknown. You have to do what feels right for you and your family.

I can only speak from experience I had a short time as SAHM, have worked PT but mainly very FT. Latter much harder for me. Didn’t have anyone at home to do all had to on top. Single parents who work FT often have it hardest of all imho.

I don’t think SAHM’s are lazy if they’re at home looking after one or more preschoolers and running a house. I don’t agree with the term SAHM if your kids are at school. That’s just unemployed.
I work school hours and term time only so am with dc whenever they’re not in school, same as a ‘SAHM’ parent to school age kids. But I’m not a SAHM I’m a parent who works but who also looks after the kids when they’re are home (along with my dh when he comes back from work). Household chores have always been 50:50 with my dh.

You do keep your skills current though and remain much more employable if you keep working in some capacity.

I barely made any money after childcare in the early days working part time but it set me up for a promotion and full time when the kids were older.

Luckily I did as DH was made redundant during covid, there was not anything around so, took a career break to be a SAHD, then went back part time. By then I was out earning him anyway. I love that we have both been able to be the primary carer at different stages.

We would have been screwed financially if I hadn’t stayed employed. I don’t like the idea of being financially dependent on one person (realise for single parents that’s the only option).

But I guess there a lot of people out there that think divorce, job loss etc. will never happen to them.

God, I dreamt of being able to be lazy when my kids were little. Once they went to school, I was a bit lazy in the day. Felt I was owed it after being on call 24/7 for years. 😊

There is research the other way as well. You can try and make yourself out to be superior all you all you want . I can afford to be a sahm and I wouldn’t do it in a million years .

I’ve been both. I don’t think SAHM are lazy. But, for me, being a SAHM was a million times easier than being a working mum. Although we used no childcare when working. I worked 12 hour shifts nights and weekends while dh was at home. He worked “normal” hours. So working meant dh and I doing everything I did as a SAHP as well as both working full time. And no sleep due to nights and non sleeping babies, and zero time together for me and dh.

For a short time I worked full time while dh was a SAHP. That was great in terms of workload. But was due to his redundancy so we had no money and a lot of anxiety!

To be honest I really don’t give that much thought to other people’s lives. If being a SAHM works for someone’s family then great. It’s not up to me to judge other people’s life choices.

AI posting at its worst, a goady title followed by a post making the opposite point and no further engagement. Bring back real human voices.

So sorry to hear this. I think you have hit the nail on the head though. Happy parents are probably the ideal and it matters less what makes them happy. If your set up allows you to be happy, I think your children will be.

Not necessarily. In the early years before school, having babies and toddlers to care for all day long is exhausting and often more exhausting than most women's full time jobs. Plus there is never any proper break from it. You have it all day long and you don't leave it behind at 5pm and come home to something completely different so you can decompress.

As a FT working mother you don't do both. You do your paid job instead of the daily routine childcare for your children. Someone else does that for you. The bits you do do both of are all the other things, like the grocery shopping, the cooking, the life admin, the laundry, the cleaning. Assuming you don't pay someone else to do any of that for you as well.

I disagree.

She is actually saying "I judge working parents and they wouldn't like to hear what I think of them, but I won't voice the detail of my judgment unless they openly judge me."

It is clear from her post that the negative judgment is already there, whether she chooses to express it or not.

Which of your 2 very different AIBU questions does the vote relate to @Fluffyscrubberdo as it's not clear.

Anyway, imho SAHM to small baby/toddler/preschooler very much not. Primary/secondary kids who are out at school all day? Little bit yeah.

I don’t think they’re lazy but I do roll my eyes when people post on here about being a sahm and wishing their husband did more or the fact they’re exhausted. I work 4.5 days a week in a full on demanding senior role, solo parent 75% of the time and run the house. Plus our child only goes to nursery 3 days a week with my parents having her one day. I just get on with it!