AIBU to feel upset by my mother-in-law's message about visits?

[Mamibaba]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we moved into our house 3.5 years ago, I invited mother in law over to see the house that first summer she never showed and when I saw her months later she said she had decided to wait until house was finished to see it. After that I only saw her once a year at weddings etc. Last year I became pregnant and did not see her throughout the pregnancy. She came over to see the baby and I have since been taking the baby to her house every 6 weeks or so. Baby is now 11 months old and partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months. Last week she asked me and the baby over on the Friday and I said no as we already had plans and would come over another day. She has since text my partner saying ‘ I want to know the baby but finding it difficult as everytime I try I’m not allowed’ am I right to be angry as I feel that she’s thrown my visits back in my face just because she didn’t get her way that day.

Why hasn't your husband seen his mum in 8 months!?

And what did he say when she was so rude?

Anyway you're obviously not being unreasonable and it sounds like you're trying hard. I would leave it to DH to repair the relationship though.

Partner needs to man up and tell his mother that she can quit being a victim. She has had plenty of opportunity to visit and has chosen not to. She is welcome to make an effort and arrange mutually suitable times but she needs to ditch that attitude first.

Sounds like a dig at her own son rather than at you. Why hasnt he seen her for 8 months?

I would leave all future contact and visits to DH to organise. Just take a huge step back.

When i text her saying ‘ please do not make s difficult situation harder by making out you don’t get to see the baby when I’ve brought her over to your house several times from now on we will meet in a cafe’ she texted my partner the next day ‘ a year since we lost grandad what would he think of her nonsense’

Why are you bothering with her when your partner doesn’t?

Tell your DH to tell her she’s welcome to make arrangements to come over with your DH anytime.

Hmm what does your partner say? I’d be inclined to message ‘I will free you of my nonsense. You can see baby when <dp> takes her to visit, I’ve never stopped him from doing that.’

Let it go.

Take a huuuuuuge step back and breathe freely.

This is not your problem.

Let your partner handle it and go live your life as you please.

And stop taking your child to her house.

Yes, step back and leave it to your partner. I think you’ve made huge efforts tbh, especially since your mother in law appeared to be so disinterested before the baby arrived.
Is there a back story as to why your partner sees his mother so rarely?

You have been generous. Cease worrying and leave DH to pull his finger out.

Your DH could take baby over to visit his mother each month. He also needs to say and text to his mother that she is free to call him to organise visiting baby at home sometimes. DH suggests that some Saturday afternoons could suit him.

Also formally invite MIL over to your place for tea. All three of you host her.

It sounds very clear that your MiL has issues. Whether it's to do with her mental health or family history that you aren't party to or something else who knows?

But you have tried to be reasonable with her.

So please don't let her messages get to you. Let your H deal with his mother and whatever situation has caused this behaviour.

Stop messaging her. Stop visiting. Just drop the rope. Hopefully your partner is passing on these messages with a sense of “the latest batshittery from DM” not “why won’t you take the baby?!” because if it’s the latter he is being shitty to you and needs to sort it himself. Either way this is not your circus or monkeys and nothing good ever came of pandering to serially batshit drama queens.

What's the reason for your DP not having seen his mother in 8 months? How has he replied to her text?

Why are you dealing with her at all? You are doing all the work to maintain a relationship and getting none of the gratitude. Plus will get the blame for whatever they decide you haven't done enough of.

I used to be like that with my PIL. Then they said some nasty stuff about me and I decided to put in exactly the amount of effort they put in, and no more. And let the relationship with the dc be through dh.

I have seen them once in the last 10 years. Dh and the dc maybe twice.

I don't miss them.

Yeah, why are you trying so hard with her? Especially when your partner isn’t. She’s not interested. All you’re doing is causing upset to yourself.

Don’t get bogged down with petty come backs. Be mature. Make it clear your (DP and you) door is always open and suggest a meet up at time of her choosing. That will show there are no barriers. Maybe she’s not a people person and struggles with communication.

Remember she is your child’s grandmother. She wants to see your child and have a relationship. That’s a positive.

Some of the suggestions here are very immature and destructive.

Why should the OP jump through hoops? That's not how a healthy relationship works.

Text her back to say that you'd love for her to see her grandchild more, but you were busy on the Friday, but you can come round on Monday/Wednesday next week. Or your partner can bring the baby round at the weekend.

Why on earth are you doing all the running? It’s up to DH to ensure the relationship with his family.
I found that no matter what I did for the IL’s it wasn’t good enough, so I stopped bothering.

The only nonsense here is her’s; I would step back and let your partner facilitate the visits. She is only going to get worse.

I think the nonsense she’s talking about is on the part of her son not the OP.

OP, why doesn’t your partner see her? Have they had a falling out?

And why was your follow up that you would only see her in a cafe in future?

It seems like there is a lot of relevant context here.

Not jumping through hoops… your suggestion is exactly what I suggested.

OP has made all the running to ensure that her MIL has a relationship with her baby, unlike her own son who hasn't seen her for eight months and has never taken the baby to see her. OP has gone above and beyond what a DIL should have to do to ensure that her MIL has a relationship with her grandchild. MIL has thrown it all in her face because on one occasion when OP has other plans, she told her MIL that she would come another day.

How dare her MIL be so rude and ungrateful? If it was left to her own son, she would probably never have even seen the baby.

The last thing OP needs to do is bend over backwards to placate her difficult MIL. I'm sure if MIL apologises and suggests another more convenient date for both of them, OP would probably accept the apology and agree to the meeting. It isn't OP's problem to fix. The ball is in her MIL's court.

It's laughable that OP's MIL is complaining about OP not being available to meet on her sugggested day to the son who never bothers to see her at all.

Exactly. Tell them both that DH will be organizing the visits.

See my thread ‘aibu to reduce contact with ex mil’ the resounding voice was ‘his mum, his job to do it’