AIBU to feel upset by my mother-in-law's message about visits?

[Mamibaba]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we moved into our house 3.5 years ago, I invited mother in law over to see the house that first summer she never showed and when I saw her months later she said she had decided to wait until house was finished to see it. After that I only saw her once a year at weddings etc. Last year I became pregnant and did not see her throughout the pregnancy. She came over to see the baby and I have since been taking the baby to her house every 6 weeks or so. Baby is now 11 months old and partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months. Last week she asked me and the baby over on the Friday and I said no as we already had plans and would come over another day. She has since text my partner saying ‘ I want to know the baby but finding it difficult as everytime I try I’m not allowed’ am I right to be angry as I feel that she’s thrown my visits back in my face just because she didn’t get her way that day.

In cahoots with her? He didn't live with her as a teenager, hasn't seen her in 8 months, wants nothing to do with her and didn't even want her to know about the pregnancy.

He told OP what would happen and OP chose to override his wishes and take the child to see her anyway.

This is very revealing.

Block her number and move on. Do not give her any headspace.

Agree wth this. Every time I read threads like this I am so grateful for my wonderful MiL. Honestly, you shouldn’t put up with this shit and whilst it’s lovely for children to have close, loving relationships with grandparents the right to that relationship is earned by the GP concerned and not automatic.

Lots of children grow into functioning adulthood without GPs, so let your DH deal with her and you live your life and conduct your home and marriage as you and DH see fit. You’ve done enough.

DH and I have been together 20 years next year and I don’t think I’ve ever messaged his mum! They have their family whatsapp group where all the visits etc are sorted, DH just checks dates before agreeing.
Sounds like your DP doesn’t want a relationship with her, so why are you bothering?

I agree with previous posters, the woman was a shit parent and your boyfriend doesn't want a relationship with her. Good for him.
Archive her messages, delete her number and tell your boyfriend he is not to give updates if she contacts him.
It's on him to manage contact with his relatives, same as he likely doesn't arrange contact with your relatives.

Why are you forcing a relationship with a woman that your DH wants nothing to do with?

What exactly makes you think you are smarter and more knowledgeable than a man who has known her all his life?

She's horrible, leave her be. Who cares what she thinks.

OP! You have the perfect excuse not to bother with her. He doesn't. Why are you?

I have changed my opinion after the update about your do not wanting contact with her. Just match her energy.

Message her to tell her you will no longer be the person responsible for her relationship with her grandchild, she should make arrangements with her son and then block her number.

Tell your partner it's up to him to make arrangements with his mum and you do not want to hear anything about her complaints. Cut him off if he ever tries to talk to you about taking the baby to visit.

Don't get angry or upset. Make your decision and stick to it without drama.

His Mum, his responsibility. You are not obliged to be the go to person for everything

Are people just not reading the part where OP said he wants nothing to do with his mum and it was OP who decided to take the baby?

So you should have followed his lead on this shouldn’t you?

Just drop it now.

You've essentially gone over his head and tried to force a relationship with his mum that he doesn't want. Send her a message "from now on you can arrange visits with your son." And block her. Let him manage her how he wants

I was under the impression throughout the pregnancy that he did not want her in his baby’s life but after the baby was born he sent a picture to her and invited her over on the Saturday to meet the baby and conveniently left to go to the pub before she arrived so I had to deal with her.

So she was a rubbish mother, and is now being a rubbish grandma. I'd forget about her completely.

Your partner's mother does not want to see your baby, her GC. If she did, she'd move heaven and earth and play nice to you both in order to facilitate that. It's like men marrying: if they want to, they'll make sure it happens.

His mother is simply playing at being a doting grandmother, pretending that you don't allow her access, ignoring that you have done a lot to build the relationship.

She doesn't sound a pleasant person so I would simply leave her to it. Your partner knows her better and has dropped the rope, suggest you follow suit and don't give her any more headspace.

Sounds like his rubbish mum raised a rubbish man to me. How dare he.

I agree with another poster here that you mil has been rude and petulant. You been with her son 12 year's. When you moved into your home she never bothered to call in and see it saying she wait until it was finished.
I wonder does she have money and was expecting your partner to ask her for cash then?
Then she never called to your home when your child was born.
Meanwhile you called over to her house every 6 weeks with your baby for the last 11 months. She wanted you to call on x day and you said no to that date. She sends that text message to your partner. Meanwhile he has not seen her in 8 months

At this stage I would step back and stop visiting her. Tell your partner that he can bring his child to see his mother. My feeling is that she wanted you there that day to show her grandchild off to one of her friends. I also think she sounds selfish and it's all about her and what she wants. The reality is that you have been trying with her since your child was born.
You may be going back to work soon after maternity leave. As your child gets older school, after school activities and friends come on the scene and life gets busy.

One of my friends has a mother in law similar to yours. My friend tried for years with her. After hearing her mil bad mouth her to other people she told her husband what happened. That day her husband called to his mother's home and said what his wife heard. She was told not to call to his house or contact either of them. My friend was happy when he did this and was no longer dealing with her mil. A few years later he started to call to his mother's home the odd time to see her. Mil now has health issues and my friend is not bringing her to appointments or providing the odd few hours of care to give the family a break.

In this situation I would step back and let your partner call to her with his child. My feeling is that you're mil has issues and has been this way for years.

Your husband needs to start facilitating meeting her with the baby. The fact she texted him to say she's never allowed is not anything to do with you. But obviously now she's expecting to meet you still. I'd just say no. She can come here or husband takes baby to her. And he can deal with her rudeness.

Stop making the effort when her darling son can't even be bothered. Why are you doing all the visiting to her? Stop this right now.

And now I would retract the cafe offer.

Her son can facilitate spending time with his mum and his DC; you're out.

He was right ... that's what she's doing. And now he can deal with her. Or not. Step out of it.

The number of evil MILs on MN is almost......unbelievable

You need to talk to him some more. It sounds like she wasn't a great mum to him so it's ok if he doesn't want her involved with your child.

Unless you are leaving out important detail, this is a really easy one. You text MIL and you say

'why are you lying to DH and pretending I keep refusing to let you see the baby? You know very well I bring him/her to see you every six weeks or so. I can't come on Friday as you asked, because I already have plans. I haven't refused to see you at all, I said we can arrange another day. DH is always capable of bringing the baby to see you any time he wants, but he doesn't. You are welcome to visit us any time and you've been invited but you don't come. What do you want me to do here, because I think you are being very unfair.'